I was raised Exclusive Brethren. The Exclusive Brethren are an extreme Christian sect that forbid radio, television, theatres, and eating, drinking, or socialising with anyone who is not a member of the church. I was a seventh generation member of the church, so the rigid control never seemed odd growing up as a child. We accepted that our family, our friends, our social life, our education, our employment, (and everything else you can think of), were under the control of the church, and so long as the rules were followed, it was a bearably conformist lifestyle.

I always knew that I was different, but it wasn’t until I was a young teenager that things began to make sense, and I realised that I was gay. The thought terrified me, and I rejected it for several years, not wanting to even think about how the church would react. I was educated at a church school, moving from there into the family business, so was never exposed to people I was able to talk to about it.

I accepted Jesus as my Saviour at the age of 18, (August 2007), after several years of mental torment. The first thing I did was “confess” everything to the priests, including that I was gay. They didn’t know how to react, and encouraged me to fight against my feelings. Four months later I was scheduled to meet the international leaders of the church, and was grilled as to my homosexual feelings. I was told that it was “constitutional”, and that I had to hope that one day God would have the grace to change me. In the meantime, I was told , I had a strong mind so just had to deal with it. It was too much to deal with, and a week later I packed a bag and ran off. I hadn’t planned anything, and the church found me several days later 600kms from home and persuaded me to return to the church. A month later I was sent to live in Sydney under the wing of the international leader of the church, where I was once again grilled as to my being gay. The leader of the church referred me to a doctor within the church, and this doctor prescribed me Cyprostat. Cyprostat is a hormonal suppressant, and is designed to reduce sexual feelings, typically in registered sex offenders. The logic was that if gay feelings couldn’t be changed, then removing sexual feelings altogether was the next best thing.

I was in Sydney for several months, and was eventually sent home with stern warnings that if I ever followed my “natural tendencies”, the only people I would ever get on with would be “wicked people”. I held out for another four months before being sent back to Australia in August 2008. On my return to NZ, I accepted in myself that remaining in the Exclusive Brethren was never going to work. I spent the next few months thinking about my decision, and tentatively making plans for leaving.

In March 2009 I informed the priests that I intended to leave the church, that I was not ashamed of being gay, and that I was no longer interested in following their policies. At this stage I had made very little contact with anyone outside of the church, so had no idea how general society worked!

The priests were alarmed, and word went out that I was in a bad state. For the next few months I had members of the church contacting me every day (calling, writing, visiting, even knocking on my bedroom door), trying to persuade me to change my mind. I began to tell people that I was gay, and the reactions were those of embarrassed confusion. The crunch point came when I came out to my six younger siblings – within a few hours my parents had removed them from the family home and sent them to live with other church members, and I was informed that the priests wished to speak to me immediately.

I knew I was staring down the barrel of excommunication, and spent that entire Saturday afternoon visiting family and friends saying goodbye. The worst day of my life. I turned up on my Grandma’s doorstep to say goodbye, only to find that she had been warned in advance not to let me in. She stood on her doorstep crying for half an hour, saying that she couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. This pattern repeated itself again and again – uncles and aunties, old friends, cousins… Words can’t describe the feeling of emptiness I had at the end of that day.

The priests began the excommunication process within a few days, and all church members were forbidden to contact me. I began networking outside of the church, and tentatively making new friends. My parents informed me that I was no longer welcome in their house, and left all my possessions in a storage unit for me to collect. (I was away at the time). All locks were changed, and they now refuse to let me across the threshold of the house. Dad has asked me not to contact them, and when I knocked on the door to say goodbye, was told to “go away, so we can get on with our lives”. I have been told that I am “evil” and “contaminated”, and that I am heading for hell.

I am prepared for the reality that I may never see my parents or siblings again – church rules forbid them from contacting me. The silver lining to the cloud is that I am now starting to meet family members that are already outside of the Exclusive Brethren. People like my Grandpa, who was thrown out of the church when my Mum was 13 – I’m the first of his children/grandchildren he’s seen for 28 years. He joined with me when I told my story publicly – for those of you interested in watching the TV documentary, it can be found here: http://www.tv3.co.nz/60-Minutes—Exclusive/tabid/905/articleID/62283/cat/631/Default.aspx. A fuller version of the story can also be found at http://www.gaynz.com/articles/publish/36/article_8207.php.

Hey Craig…. welcome……..and .thanks so much for posting your story…..it is sad but also inspiring. We are the blessed ones to have found freedom from the misguided concepts and rules of others.

Whilst many here have not experienced being a part of cult……I guess we can relate to times we have been in churches that have had cultic elements to them. I often say that culture of itself is good……companies have cultures….countries have cultures…..families have cultural traits…….but when that culture is taken to far and to the extreme it becomes cultic …..a bondage and oppressive…….would you agree with that.?????

hope you enjoy our space here.

Hi Craig,

Welcome to Freedom2b[e]. I’ve heard different stories about the Exclusive Brethren and the way they operate and it saddens me that they treated you this way. It’s unfortunate some churches feel to need to exercise a high degree of control over their flock. I personally experienced the results of this myself when I was going to a pente church.

Hope to hear more of your journey on the forum.

Craig,

Thanks for telling us this story- it is amazing that you are still in one piece! Testimony to the God who preserves us. I hope we can meet some time.

I’ve known what it is like to be without a family and a church- but life moves on and things change, and get better!

Ian

Hey Craig.

You made it on here! Good on ya bro. Hope to hear more from you as you come from such dark places beyond what a lot of us could ever understand.

Keep sharing.

Shane

love your new avatar shane….very cool

Whilst many here have not experienced being a part of cult……I guess we can relate to times we have been in churches that have had cultic elements to them. I often say that culture of itself is good……companies have cultures….countries have cultures…..families have cultural traits…….but when that culture is taken to far and to the extreme it becomes cultic …..a bondage and oppressive…….would you agree with that?????

Hi Anthony!

Yes, I think you’re right. Sometimes, though, it can be quite a subtle shift from “culture” to “cultic”, and it can take a while before people realise it has taken place. I was wondering about it the other day, and came to the conclusion that the change takes place when the leadership within a “culture” begins to forbid members to deviate from or question the core foundations of that group. When this element of control is introduced, it starts to become “cultic”. The Exclusive Brethren, for example, use catchphrases like “if you don’t understand it, don’t question it”, and “we’ll do the thinking, you do the doing”.

Hi Craig

Brilliantly put about the subtle changes from culture to cultish. I can so relate to that. My church started off as a very loving community, just as Jonestown did (Actually, I couldn’t take my eyes off that documentary/story of Jonestown and recommend it for anyone who thinks they’ve been in a cult. There were so many parallels with my own experience of church). But then as time went on, things gradually changed and we were told that anyone “not of the vision for the church must be against it or against leadership”. This of course was another way of saying that we couldn’t question anything. Things became more and more absolute and there was no room for variation or grey areas, as there needs to be in normal societies.

Now, I personally feel that if I’m finding myself listening to another’s views more than my own inner voice, there’s a problem. But sometimes in increasingly rigid churches/communities, the changes are so slight over time and people are so involved that it becomes difficult to see the wood for the trees. The inner voice gets muffled or silenced.

Craig, it’s really helpful learning about your experiences and no doubt healing for you to share as well. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Craig,

Just adding my voice to the chorus of greetings and also thank you for sharing your story. It must have taken incredible courage to cut the ties with a group who had been everything to you for most of your life. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like.

I’m glad to hear that you’ve made contact with some family members outside of the Brethren, that must be a tremendous help–and that you’re grandfather is supportive of you is just wonderful.

Looking forward to getting to know you here on the forums!

Hi Paul

Welcome to f2b! Is this your first time here and how did you find out about us?

Craig’s story is really inspiring, isn’t it? We’re so privileged to witness not only his amazing resilience but that of others in this forum.

Hope to hear more from you.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Ian – are you in Sydney? I’m coming to the mardi gras at the end of next month – would be nice to meet anyone who’s in the area

Craig,

Sorry for the delay! I’ve been kinda busy teh past few weeks- and for a few more. Unfortunately, I’m not in Sydney for Mardi Gras. I’m in a rather gay-oppressive part of the world- but at least this site isn’t blockd by the government! I’ll be back just after Mardi Gras; it would be great to catch up with you! I hope to be at the F2b[e] meeting in April. Not sure when it will be because the first Friday is Good Friday.

Ian

ian.jenson@hotmail.com