Hi guys, I told myself that this year, I would FINALLY come out to my parents. Its still early in the year but the question is, am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? Am I willing to take the risk of complete rejection? Will the stress, fear and uncertainty cause me to have another seizure? Will my parents (or at least my mother, as I rarely see my father) be able to understand & accept it, or will they go down the "your demon possessed" path? Am I a man or a mouse?

Here is a first attempt letter, I would like to be able to speak to them face to face, but that may prove to be too hard, if anything, at least writing this is a "healing" in its own way, even if I don’t post it or give it to them. I will address it to mum first & then worry about dad later. I probably wont post it but at least I have been able to write (type) it.

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I love you, Dad and Johnny and I cannot continue to live a lie. I cannot continue lying to myself and all of those I love. As a Christian it is important that I tell the truth even when it hurts. Writing this is the hardest thing I have ever done, I am already in tears and I have only written a few words. My heart is aching and my hands are shaking, I am scared of your reaction and scared of your rejection.

You have always been there for me, it is because of you that I am here today, you were there when I was a baby struggling to survive, you were there when I had my first seizure and you were there when I had my last. You have been so strong, despite all the hardships and trials you have gone through with Dad, your divorce, the abuse and the pain and worry that I have put you through, with my epilepsy. You have always put my needs ahead of yours. And now I am feeling incredibly scared of what confession, will do to you.

You know I love you, you are not only my mother, but in many ways you are my big sister. I have always been able to come to you with my troubles. You have always comforted me after every seizure, each time dad screamed at me or Johnny. Each time you and Dad fought, you would comfort me despite your own pain. When I went through depression and when my medications made me do all those crazy things, you were the strong one. You were the one who prayed and continued to love me and support me, even though you didn’t understand and at times, were angry and scared.

I have had had many problems over the years, much of which can be attributed, in part to this one issue in my life, this one thing that had held me in bondage, because I have been unable to accept it and deal with it. My prayer is that you will not allow your shock, anger, confusion or the devil to stop you reading this letter to the very end.

Mum I cannot live like this anymore. For as long as I can remember, I have battled with this, I have hated myself for it, I have feared it, I have attempted suicide to get rid of it and most of all, I have feared that you and Dad would reject me for it. And even worse, that God would hate and reject me. When I was 16 or 17 I tried to kill myself and again, when I was older and living with Dad. On both occasions I thought that God hated me, I hated myself and I thought that you and dad would never accept me or forgive me if I told you the truth and even now, I’m uncertain that you will. The difference now is that I am an adult.

Have you ever wondered why almost all of my friends are men? Have you ever wondered why I have never had a girlfriend and have only had a few female friends? Have you wondered why Jessica, Anna, Sophia and Stella are just friends and nothing more? The simple reason is because I am gay. There I said it!

I can imagine that you might be now feeling extremely upset, angry and shocked. This isn’t easy for you, I know, and I am sorry that you have to go through this. If you need time to try to understand what I’m saying and deal with it, I completely understand. You are probably blaming the devil or saying, it is impossible, I cannot be a gay.

Perhaps, the next time I see you, you will refuse to open the door or you will tell me that I am demon possessed and have opened the door to the devil or that I have allowed the spirit of homosexuality and perversion to take hold of my heart. Maybe you will tell me that you don’t ever want to see me again. Maybe you will go into your room, pray and pray, commit this to God and believe that He will set me free. Whatever you do or think, just remember that I love you and that I am still the same loving, caring and quiet Brunski that I was before you read this letter. I have attempted on a few times, to tell you and Dad that I am gay, but on each occasion you both have rejected it, said it was not possible and if I am, then you don’t want to see me again. Dad told me that I would be a disgrace to the family if I am gay and he wants nothing to do with me. So for many years, I have never spoken about it again. I know how you feel about homosexuals, I know you dislike them, maybe even hate them! For almost 30 years, I have prayed and prayed, asked God to make me "normal" and to set me free from my sexual desires. I have been prayed for, time and time again. And each time I would come out from the prayer room believing that I had changed, believing that I was "free" only to find that those same thoughts, desires and attractions were still there. I tried to hide those feelings and kept praying; asking God to make me “normal” like my brother Johnny. I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me drugs, told me I was depressed and had a personality disorder. Dr B told me that often, people who have temporal lobe epilepsy experience sexuality disorders. I wanted to believe him and blame my epilepsy, but it didn't change anything. I went to see a Christian counsellor from Hillsong and later from the Baptist community services. I have seen so many counsellors, psychologists and doctors, but nothing made me "normal" nothing changed. I have been through so many exorcisms; I was sent me the Living Waters sexuality program at Hillsong that only made me feel more guilty. I tried to ignore it, tried to forget it, but no matter how hard I tried or how hard I prayed, nothing changed. When I started going to C Community Church, the same problem followed me, I hated myself even more, at times I wanted to kill myself but I couldn't go through it. I spoke to Pastor Robin a long time ago, he prayed for me, suggested I seek counselling and ask for God's guidance and deliverance. I started going to a different program and support group in S Hill, in secret, but only went a few times and although I was able to control my thoughts and at times, ignore them completely. They remained hidden but they were there never the less. We have never spoken about my sexuality again, Robin and I. I guess he just thinks I have dealt with it or that God has "healed" me from it. In recent months I have wanted to talk to him again, but haven't because he is just too busy.

I know that God wants me to be happy and the only way I can truly be happy is by accepting that I am gay and I think I finally have, but I need your acceptance. I know you will tell me that the bible condemns homosexuality, that God hates the sin of homosexuality, God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. I know you will tell me that the bible says homosexuals will go to hell. For years, I believed that and for years, I believed that there was no hope for me. But now I know that God loves me, He accepts me and He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that no matter what my sexuality is, the bible says "Whosoever believes in me will have eternal life". God offers me the free gift of eternal life, He makes no demands on me, He sent His son to die for me and He loves and accepts me as I am. My prayer is that in time, you and Dad will do the same. In time I hope we can sit down calmly and discuss what the Bible really says about homosexuality and I would like to show you a DVD which explains exactly what the Bible says through the eyes of Christian Pastors and a Jewish Rabbi and Jewish Scholars. But that is for a later time, the first step is you coming to terms with what I have shared and hopefully in that process, you will reach the point of accepting and loving your gay son, just as you did before reading this.

Love …

Sorry its LONG …. and pretty heavy stuff. And I probably wont send it anyway … I am a mouse after all

I was very pleased to read your post. It must have taken you a lot to write that. Good on you.

It is just fine to be gay and Christian. When you decide to send the final draft of your letter, I trust it will go well.

I will be thinking of you.

Davidt

Hi Brunski

I just read your letter out loud to my 20 yr old son, to see what he thought (home early from work due to rain, just in time as I was reading it). Hope you done mind me sharing it with him, as I read I could relate to that very son I was reading it to, saying that Adam n Steve comment to me around 8 yrs ago (just to encourage you,he is now my biggest support of who I am). We both agree that must of been so tough for you to write your letter and you can hear that in your words, which we agree is important to get that across. It hasnt been an easy journey that all and as a mum I would want to know this if it was my son telling me this. Well done in writing your draft, cant see alot that needs changing at all, just a few spelling errors is all I picked up.

Dont know if your mum has access to internet at all, might be good if she does to just mention also there are websites for support she could turn to or organisations she can phone and speak to. Obvious she may not be ready for that intially, although she may want to talk to other parents who have gone through this. In time I hope and pray that she will process this, as her love and support for you sounds strong from your letter.

Hang in there, you are doing so well in planning this step, well I'm sure it feels more like a leap right now. Know that you have friends to support you here, who know the pain and stress your going through in planning this. Have read through your past postings and youve come so far.

Hugs

Damn you two! You've made me cry again! (who says men don't cry?) thank you both SO MUCH for your love, care and support. It is so much appreciated.

No princess Fiona I dont mind that you shared my letter with your son hopefully, it was a source of encouragement for you both in some way. Mum does have access to the Internet although she rarely uses it and doesn't really know how to use it, other than sending emails. As for telling her that there are support groups and websites that could help her or organisations where she can talk to someone, that is a good idea, but perhaps at a later stage. I know she will reject the idea at first, she wouldn't want to be with other people who are either gay themselves or have a family member who is gay … at least not at first. I think it will take her a very long time to deal with this, she an "old school" Christian who believes straight out that homosexuality is a sin, period! its wrong, evil and against God's created order and His standards …

I really want to send this letter, I really want to get this burden off my chest, I just don't know if I am brave enough or if my parents will be strong enough. My mother, though she is so strong in many ways, she is also very fragile in other ways, like me she is easily hurt, she takes everything to heart and this will be an incredible shock for her, it will crush her but hopefully, she will be able to get up through the rubble.

Thanks Mother Hen, I really do hope that in her response, that she is moved with compassion, empathy and love for her son. I have no doubt she will be angry and upset, she will be in denial and she will tell me that I am no longer welcome in her home … It will be so hard for her, but she is such a loving and caring person that I am almost certain that in time, she will accept and love me regardless. She may "never" accept "that thing" that "act" and that "lifestyle" but she will continue to love me and she will simply refuse to talk about it. Or as I suspect she will pray, pray and pray, she will ask her pastor (we go to different churches) to pray for me and she will probably tell her closest friend and I know the response she will get, "your son is possessed by the "spirit of homosexuality" she is involved in a prayer and deliverance ministry in her church, she often prays with people who are broken or possessed … so she will be convinced that I am also unfortunately, her pastor will only re-enforce that notion but I will deal with that when it comes or if it comes.

You said

When my son came out to my husband and I, he wrote a letter too, he handed it to us and sat and waited while we read it. For him that worked out very well. I don'think I could do that, not sure if I could give her the letter and sit and wait. I will be in tears even before she says anything Im sure and she will be in tears, my step dad will be tears, then the fury of an angry mother will come down on me like a tonne of bricks lol if I do give this letter to her, I think I will post it or give it to her as I leave and wait and see what happens next …

Thanks again for your support and kind words. I will let the letter sit with me for a while, see if I decide to make any changes, its quite long … and will let you know how it goes.

By the way my "friend" H said he doesn't want to see me because I am demon possessed and have given into the devil, blah, blah, blah … Im okay with that.

Hi Brunski

Well done! Excellent effort.

I have taken the liberty of correcting a few tiny gramatical errors. I also took out some identifying features, changing your name to your username, and abbreviating the name of a church and support group. This is to protect your privacy on this site but you might want the full names included for your Mum's eyes.

I also put the word ' might' in where you say what you expect your mother will be feeling. I appreciate that you know your Mum well (whereas I do not) and expect her to feel shocked and angry by your disclosure. However by using the word 'might', it's a softer stance. You are showing her that it's possible to feel something else more positive rather than directing her to automatically feel 'negative' emotions. It's a small thing but changing it allows for a more open stance rather than locking her into anger, upset and shock. Does that make sense?

I agree with others that suggesting supports at the end for your mother would be very important. Perhaps Mother Hen was thinking you could put her name down as someone your Mum might speak to? I would suggest you check this with Mother Hen first. I'm wondering what other supports the mothers here would suggest you include? PFLAG perhaps with a contact website address and phone number?

I like the mention of the dvd 'For the Bible Tells Me So' (assuming that's the one you were referring to?). I think that would be a great resource for your mother or anyone who's open to watching it.

I wonder too whether you might include some focus on your strengths and the fact that you've met gay Christians who are good and wonderful examples of the faith? If we show others that there are positive things about being gay and are able to be positive ourselves, we give them an example of how to respond positively to us. Your Mum may not even be aware that there are gay people who are Christian. She may only have certain stereotypes in her head that only represent a small number of gay people on the 'scene'.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts of mine that I hope are helpful.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Brunski,

Congratulations on taking the first steps toward speaking to your parents! Your draft letter is so very heartfelt and full of honesty. It really is a reflection of you as a caring person so you should be very proud for being brave! I hope when you do feel you are ready that you will have some support around you, you always will here! Take the time you need to say what you want and be kind to yourself. Take care:)

Michelle

Hi Brunski,

I’m posting back here in relations to your other posts to get them back together, you have posted similar subjects over several different threads and to be honest it’s been hard to keep up and follow. Can I suggest you keep the same theme/subjects together so we can follow you easier and other people reading you post have some sort of context.

It’s a start with your mum, I think you need to give her some time and space, just leave things with her. She is entitled to have her own views and beliefs, I know it would be really great if she “came around” and fully accepted you as a gay man but the main thing is as she has stated that she still loves you and will not kick you out, which from my understanding of your previous posts was your main concern. Let’s face it we don’t ALL agree all the time but can still have great relationships with each other. Just enjoy the relationship you have for the time being.

“Pastor said at one stage "give me any verse in the Bible & I will show you someone who can and will justify a completely different view using Scripture to back up their claims and to serve their own agenda, making scripture say what they want to hear"

Totally agree and have said exactly that several times on this forum, the same applies to them, the Church, your pastor and elder, they can give a totally different view of scripture to justify THEIR point of view.

“I agree, with that, I was left wondering what all of you people have told me and everything I have read & heard from "pro-gay" theologians is correct or simply scripture being twisted to suit the agenda’s and views of others.”

Why do you assume it’s the “pro gay” that have twisted scripture? Couldn’t it be the other way around? There are plenty of examples in the past where the church has some kind of revelation and changed their views of different issues. So like umm were they twisted scriptures to fit their views at the time or what?

Take one day at a time Brunski and I really feel you would benefit from some form of counselling or other health care professional. Stop thinking about it so much and just do it. We can all over think things and talk ourselves in and out of anything.

God Bless

Hi Brunski,

Things are sounding a bit better for you today, keep putting one foot in front of the other you will get through all this with your mum. Your letter is great its obvious it comes from your heart. How do you feel about it?

One wee suggestion where you have said

I would like to show you a DVD which explains exactly what the Bible says about homosexuality. The DVD has a number of Pastors, Rabbis & Jewish Scholars, all of whom explain homosexuality from a Biblical view.

Can I suggest you change the words "which explains exactly what the bible says" to this is what I believe the bible says. Reason being she strongly believes something very different, you don't want to get her defensive, you are just trying to encourage her to see there is possibly another view on what the scriptures say.

God bless

Brunski

Two things from my experience:

Firstly, all the Material, DVDś, Greek scholars and other proof – NO MATTER how overwhelmingly convincing – is no good until the time is right. At the wrong time, it can just make people dig in on their position. Let your Mum know that you have stuff to help her and leave it at that (I know it's hard – believe me – I struggle with this but it's a lesson I learnt the hard way)

Secondly you are the same person you have always been and you are your parents' son. Show them that you love them and that you aren´t running off to satanic rituals and you are just a normal person like everyone else. In time their perception will adjust. Avoid debates. When scriptures came up with my family I just said – "I have studied in this issue over a long time and in depth and I am comfortable with my understanding. If you want to spend time going over the Greek and Hebrew and the science etc with me I would be glad to.. but for now I would just like to spend time with my family." Let family time be family time.

Don´t let anyone define you totally by they fact you are Gay. Yes – that's part of you – and its important. But we are not one-faceted beings. I don't know what other things you do and like but I'm sure your life isn't only about the fact you are Gay and nothing else. I work at least 40 hours a week – often a lot more. I socialise with my straight colleagues (and ex colleagues) . My Sister and her family. My God Daughter and her family. I love movies. Photography. Reading. Gardening. Walking my dog. I meet the neighbours (who are straight) down the pub for a drink or we have curry nights at each others places.

I also socialise with some Gay friends as well – but in all things – a balance is good. What other things define you and make you a full person ?

There's more to all of us than the fact we are Gay – let them see that – (and it helps if you don't see yourself as only GAY and nothing else) and in time – they will see you in perspective again.

Well put Shadow Boxer Your totally right.

Thanks Ann Maree. What do I enjoy?

I enjoy photography, watching a movie or a quite night watching a DVD, I enjoy listening to music, keeping up with current affairs, like to spend time studying things lol love spending times in parks, and gardens, like bushwalking, cooking, wanted to be a cook when I was a teenager but my epilepsy put an end to that … but I still enjoy cooking just not for myself lol love to cook for others. Love Animals, use to have a few dogs, but since moved into an apartment, so no dogs, but one of my neighbours has a cat who has adopted me! It sees me coming & gets all excited even though its 1000 yrs old okay not that old, but I think he is about 15yrs old that old for a cat, so I am told.

He use to be a massive, overweight yet adorable cat, now he is his normal weight & looks like a "normal" cat, but I think he has worms. He eats like buffalo but is loosing weight, but seeing how he is getting old, I guess it's normal that he is slimming down. Poor thing he is starting to have problems with his eye sight. And is starting to get some arthritis poor thing. but I "love" him even though he isn't mine His owner calls him a traitor when she is in a bad mood, but generally refers to him as my "step son" or "adopted son" Sorry Im rambling on about my neighbours cat lol while I'm on the topic of animals, I have a lot of birds here and have lorrikeets visiting me every morning, they are noisy, but so so cute, then there are the currawongs, magpies, crows and pigeons lol its like a bird sanctuary … see what you've started? enough about my "pet birds" and "adopted cats" lol

Oh I enjoy writing! but I suspect you have already noticed that If you use facebook you can add me & you will see a lot of my posts tend to be very expressive & at times colourful and entertaining, other times a bit "political" in nature & other times, some would say inappropriate or controversial. Sometimes I need to remind myself that this is FB not a private conversation.

I have always wanted to write a book or a novel, just never got around too it although I did write something years ago about my experience of being an epileptic & a Christian, gave it to someone to publish, but never got it back If I can workout how to publish my books (Im sure I find something online about that) then perhaps, I would get around to writing something, maybe even something about my experience with Ex-gay ministries or my struggle with my sexuality and faith. Or perhaps, some poetry or something like that …

is that enough for you guys? or shall I go on and on … ?