My own sexuality had haunted me for for much of my life. At school I was attracted to guys also during my two years National Service in the British Army although my sexual activity with those guys was very limited. This was back in 1954-1956 and there was virtually no one available to give advice or counsel to young men or women who had questions concerning their sexuality. The very few times I asked questions of older friends or others I was told that it was just a phase which would pass – I would grow out of it – or all I needed was a good woman! The professional opinion at the time was largely that Homosexuality was a mental disorder and that the only ‘cure’ available was usually ‘electric shock treatment’ or a prolonged period in a Mental Institution. Neither option was appealing to me! It is also important to remember that same-sex relationships were illegal and many caught engaging in such activity in a public place were sent to prison.

I took the accepted course which was to be married – I was just 21 and a virgin never having had ‘real sex’ with either gender – I married the girl I had been friends with for about two years. We did produce two children but there was never the passion which I was sure should exist between two people in a sexual relationship. I concluded that my wife was frigid but most likely I was just lacking enthusiasm as I still had private fantasies about having sex with guys. We divorced after almost seven years and for the first year my ex-wife had care of the children. I had no plans to marry again and began to investigate and indulge my gay desires in very ‘vanilla’ sex on occasional visits to London. I had a business in Kent about an hour south of the City. As far as I knew there were no Gay clubs or Saunas in London at the time, no doubt there were but without the existence of magazines such as Gay Times there was very little information available. I found just two Gay Pubs which were in Earl’s Court but I was usually very reluctant to accompany strangers to their homes.

My plans to remain single and to seek a gay friend or friends came to an abrupt end when my ex-wife asked me to have the children as she and her new partner had been offered work overseas. I had been unhappy about the children each time I had visited them. They clung to me and there was always an emotional time when I had to leave them. I decided that I had to then take full care of them – my son then aged 7 and my daughter aged 5. I realised that it would be almost impossible for me to look after them adequately without help – my business was growing and required my full time attention. I moved from my small apartment and bought a house in the country with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I advertised in ‘The Lady’ Magazine for a housekeeper and carer for us all. After numerous responses to my advertisement I found the perfect answer to my problem – an attractive Lady, also recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter, she was also a qualified nurse and we immediately got on very well together. After just six weeks we decided to get married and at first the relationship went well – even the sexual part was so much better than I had previously experienced. One year later and our baby boy arrived and for a while we continued to enjoy life as a family.

Without going into all the details, just five years later in we were ready to divorce.

It was at this time that some old school friends and their wives came to counsel us and encouraged us to go with them to their Church of England Church. This was something I had previously decided never to do as I had been turned off Christianity by my years of attending a Cathedral School. Unfortunately we were both in a very vulnerable and emotional state by this time and we were desperately seeking a way out of our problems. Suddenly we were encouraged and promised that if we made the decision to be ‘Born Again’ we could start a new life together. We responded and after just a few weeks decided that we would sell everything – our business and home and emigrate to start a new life in New Zealand.

We bought a farm property with ocean and river frontages and decided we would use it possibly as a Christian ‘retreat’ or similar. We immediately became involved with the work of the ministry in a local Pentecostal church and used our property for Youth meetings and activities every week and virtually worked as full time unpaid ministers assisting the Pastor. We were seeking to know more and wanted to have qualifications to become ministers and possibly to have our own church. After five years or so in New Zealand we moved to Tulsa Oklahoma as we were accepted as students to attend Rhema Bible Training Centre there. After Graduation we moved to Perth as we believed that ‘the Lord’ told us to go there to begin a new work. During all this time I completely suppressed my homosexual tendencies. I had been told that God would deal with any problem and although I had been ‘delivered’ and spent much time in prayer and fasting – the thoughts were still there.

In Perth we began our ministry in a small hall but within a few months our congregation had grown to over 100 attending our Sunday morning service. We moved and leased a building which would hold 300-400 – again within a year or so we had to move to another building to accommodate 1000+ people. Finally another move to a building to cope with the 2000-3000 then attending. This was the largest single congregation in Perth and one of the largest five in Australia at the time. In 1989 our marriage was failing and my wife wanted to leave the ministry and the marriage – this was a difficult and sad time for us all and I decided to resign from the church and handed over the work to my son who had also attended Rhema with us in USA and had worked with us for several years. He was a popular and respected teacher in our Bible Training Centre.

It was incorrectly stated in an article in the West Australia that my marriage had ended as I had ‘confessed to my son that I was homosexual. Yes – I told my son about my homosexuality a few years after I had resigned but it was never a factor or the cause of the divorce and he had not said that it was. I received an apology from the West Australian for this assumption.

After my resignation I came to terms with my sexuality and decided that I should spend the rest of my life (then aged 53) living how I wanted to live rather than how others thought I should live! I do not make an issue of my sexuality either in my day to day life or in my book “From Faith to Reason” which I published last year – I did not want the book to be primarily judged on the basis of my sexual preferences. My book is entirely about my change during the past years from a Fundamentalist Christian to a rationalist, realist, skeptic and an atheist – my sexuality had very little to do with this.

I am happy to say that during the past 10-15 years I have enjoyed the most personal peace than I had at any other period of my life. If you are Christian and still have questions or concerns about guilt, condemnation or judgement which may have been used to persuade you turn from your homosexual desires, I suggest that you seriously question the reality and evidence for your faith.

I hope that my story will help others especially those who have struggled with their sexuality and the condemnation they may have received from their church or Christian friends.

Brian Baker

Author: ‘From Faith to Reason” – [vividpublishing.com.au]

Yes, I just read this again. You have had an amazing journey, Brian. There’s so much to take in. It makes me realise our immense capability as humans and how much can be packed into one life. I’m sure we are not aware of half the things we’ve done until we write them all out in order like this.

How are you going?

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Thank you Forestgrey for your comments – it is my pleasure to share my story with you.

Best wishes

Brian

Hi Shane

Thanks for your comments I am so pleased that you and others find my story inspiring.

Best wishes

Brian

Thanks for your story Brian, it sounds like you’ve had an amazing journey. I’d be more interested in hearing about the path that has lead you to being an atheist. As a gay Christian, I find that my belief in God, who forgives me for everything regardless of what it is, sustains me and gives me the strength to go through each day. I couldn’t imagine ever living without that faith.

Also, David I’d be very interested in reading your paper. Any chance of getting it posted online here on the forums somewhere?

Dear Brian,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. It is one thing to hear second hand stories, but to hear your testimony directly is awesome.

I can identify with a lot of what you say. I was born in England, grew up in New Zealand, where I attended pentecostal churches, and went to a bible school in the U.S. that had several teachers, speakers and staff from Rhema and Word of Faith churches. I also attended some of Kenneth Hagin’s meetings in Lakeland and used to love his teaching and that of E.W. Kenyon. I still listen to some of Kenneth Hagin’s recordings sometimes.

During that time I believed that confessing the Word, spending enough time under the anointing and in the presence of God, or receiving the laying on of hands could eventually “set me free” from being gay and tried to get married. It didn’t even matter to me that the reality was so totally different. I simply ignored the reality of who I was in order to “hold fast to my confession”. I didn’t realize at the time that I was really just being a fake. But eventually I began to wonder why I could use my faith for what I considered miracles in areas such as health, finances or other things, and yet not in changing my orientation. I wish I had heard of your story back then.

I stopped going to church around 2002 and gave up on the idea of ministry, went back to university and decided to work in business. I began to really examine everything critically, not afraid to read opposing views or to look for bias in what people were saying or writing. I was still trying to become straight though. It wasn’t until 2006 that I finally accepted myself as I am, but only after what I believe to be the voice of God saying to me “you will never have power in your life until you accept yourself”. That one “Word” was what really “set me free” to be me.

Now I can honestly say I am really at peace and happy with myself as a gay guy and like yourself, “enjoy the most personal peace than I had at any other period of my life”. I don’t attend a local church and still find most churches have too strong a stench of “religion” that really turns me off, but these days I find more “church” and more people like Jesus among the LGBT community, regardless of their “religion”. There is an honesty, an integrity and a real power in people like yourself who are finally living free and living genuinely from the inside out. I believe this freedom is what Jesus died to give us.

So I just want to say thank you Brian for your honesty and your work to help others blinded or trapped by religious dogma. I hope many young LGBT Christian guys and girls get to hear your story.

Timothy

Thank you Ann Maree,

I was just really impressed that Brian posted here. It felt like another piece of the puzzle falling into place for me. I had read about Brian and the church in Perth a while ago online, but not his own version. Sorry I am about four months late though! Haven’t looked at the forums for a while. Seems to be lots of good progress happening. Keep up the good work!

Timothy

Hi Timothy

Thank you for your encouraging letter – I was particularly amazed that your experiences were in many ways so similar to mine – From UK to NZ to USA – Word of Faith – and I guess you are now in Australia? I am so pleased that you have been able to free yourself from the condemnation and guilt which you no doubt experienced during those years when you were sincerely seeking to have answers to the question of your personal sexuality.

I am particularly pleased that my story has helped you.

Thank you again

Brian

hi gang…..missed your lovely chat.

BTW Rivers…..that reminds me ….have you posted your story separately in this telling our stories section.

Hi Timothy

Thanks again – I am very pleased you are enjoying personal peace and LIFE now. Although our travels and countries of residence have mostly matched – I don’t think I shall be visiting Japan but thanks for your offer of contact if I do.

Best wishes

Brian