Wow, that’s a great story. Of course, I’m sorry about your family, but I’m sure that it will all be for the best. It’s great that you are choosing to live honestly and all of us are here to support you. And yes, it is a difficult journey, but I think with a philosophy like that you are heading in the right direction.

welcome

its such a journey isn’t it. One day….in the not too distant future we hope that people will not feel they have to get married in order to conform or be ‘normal’…….and then have to deal with the aftermath when we finally realise that this is not actually who we are.

I dont think we can value openess and honesty enough….which is what coming out is all about really. Know one wants those closest to them to keep secrets from them.

After the hurts start to heal we can begin to rebuild……on the right foundation.

Not everyone is happy with our level of honesty……but we have to leave those decisions up to them…..and remain true to ourselves.

the support on this board is wonderful….I’m so proud of you all.

they say the first person we must come out to is ourselves.

I guess that this is moving from denial to acceptance.

After that…..for some there is actually the step of saying I’m gay. Like taking on the identity of who we are inside. Not to be confused with taking on the ‘gay lifestyle’ (whatever that is)…….but having true integration with who we are on the inside with who others know and perceive us to be.

OMG…..it is such a relief to stop pretending.

Sandy… how old were you when your father came out to your family? Do you remember the emotions that you felt and how you worked through these?

It’s been over a year since my dad came out… wow that can’t be right, where does time go?! So I remember my reaction and my emotions pretty well. I’d get an A in what not to do.

Being gay myself I got what he was going through to a extent so I had more empathy than alot of family remembers do I imagine, I actually “got it”. The problem was Im a conservative Christian so we had different ideas about how to handle being gay and what it all means for the individual and the family. Suffice to say we fought alot. My dad is 55 now and it took him 25 years of marriage to finally come out and tell us about feelings he had felt ever since he was 16. I’m sad he spent so much time pretending and has lived most of his life the person he thought he should be insted of the person he really is. Merely surviving insted of truely living.

As people often like to remind me my first reaction was the burst out laughing and say “no your not” in the kind of tone you usually reserve for scary men you meet on the train who tell you aliens exist. I was angry for a long time. Angry that my dad married and had kids at all if he was gay, angry that he backed out of his obligations as a husband, angry that he had stepped on my toes by having ‘my problem’ forcing me to deal with issues that fell a little too close to home. I struggled with forging a new relationship with him because I needed to accept his homosexuality when I choose not to embrace my own. We are both rather linear black/white people and he wanted approval from me, something I can’t give so it was been a long ride.

We have also come a long way from where we started. I do accept my fathers sexuality now, and respect his choices even if I don’t agree with them. I’m glad he came out because he is so much happier being honest and its always better to know. I’m still angry in places and we still don’t agree on much but at least now I feel like I know who he is. Time was a big help in our sitaution that and the many, many miles between us.

In the end he is still the same person he always was, or really he is the person he really is insted of the person he once tried to be. I love my father and I have because a firm advocate of the idea that people are not the sum of the choices they make. Seperating who my dad is from what he has done helps me alot.

Its a hrd thing to do, to be honest and I wish I had of had the prescence of mind to tell my father at the time how brave that really was. Its good toknow your extended family is by your side, Im sure that support will prove invaluable. Don’t be afraid to get involved here too, as you will come to see everyone has a story and different opinions, we can all learn so much from each other.

Yes, I agree with you that we are not the sum of the choices we make but in a manner those choices do define who we are. I hope to find a spot where I am confident that acknowledging my sexuality was a positive decision to make. In time. At the moment it is like swimming in an ocean…’drowning not waving’. LOL

You have typed how you think your father was brave… I suggest that you should show him this posting!!

I for one can empathize with such feelings, wondering whether or not acknowledging your orientation is a good thing. I grew up (and still am) in a conservative Christian home. Being gay is bad. Very, very bad. So as a young kid (not too long ago) I knew I was attracted to guys. I knew it in my head. But I didn’t want to think I was gay. It’s the whole coming out to yourself thing.

An anology would be like this. Imagine you work in an orchard where every crate is full of apples. Then one day, you find a crate full of oranges. You say to yourself, this isn’t full of oranges. This is an apple orchard, there can’t possibly be oranges here. That’s just wrong. And so you take it upon yourself to explain how the oranges are, in fact, not there – they are, rather, a figment of your imagination. Or perhaps, it is actually a crate of apples after all. It is a crate of apples that simply, on occasion, can make itself appear to look like a crate of oranges. Deep down, they are really apples, you are sure of it. Very orange and round apples, but apples nonetheless. You think all these things despite the fact that said ‘imaginary’ oranges are currently staring you right in the face. It takes you a long time to accept, but over time, you finally stop your wild imagining and slowly, very slowly accept the idea that maybe there is a crate full of oranges at the apple orchard. Maybe. Your certainty grows – certainity? No, not certainty. You knew the facts the whole time. It’s only know that you recognize them for what they are. You begin to recognize that the crate of oranges is in fact, a crate of oranges. There is a crate of oranges at the apple orchard. Not a wild imagination or a crate of apples with obscure mystical properties. It is, in fact, a true blue, honest-to-goodness crate of oranges. Recognizing the truth with no denial, excuses, or explanations. That is what it means to come out to yourself.

We wonder if that is the right decision. Kind of an odd question. I can look in the mirror and see I have black hair. I don’t have to wonder, am I making the right decision by describing myself as a black haired person? No, I would not wonder whether or not that is a good decision to make. I know I am black haired, therefore, I should describe myself as a black haired person. Equally, I know that to describe myself as something else, say a blonde haired person, would be lying. So if we think that, why do we sudenly have a problem when it comes to our orientation? The answer is shame. We have heard the stories. Gays are presented to us over and over again as immoral, horrible people. We don’t want to be immoral, horrible people. We also don’t want to be rejected. Unfortunately, much of society has believed the horrible lie that sexual orientation is tied to morality. It’s not. Not in any way, size, shape, or form. You can be a gay saint or a straight sinner. Unfortunately, many people, including those who are gay themselves and struggling to accept themselves, have failed to understand that fact.

I could go on and on, but I don’t want to write too much. Just know that you are not alone in feeling as you do and you are not the only one who has walked down this path. Again, we are here to encourage you. Much love.

It takes you a long time to accept, but over time, you finally stop your wild imagining and slowly, very slowly accept the idea……

The apple orchard analogy written by gettingthere is very apt AND humourous. You feel like saying “Can’t you see that are they not bloody apples! Accept the truth” But..we know it is not that simple. I find it very difficult to get people to understand that I repressed my thoughts & emotions. Sheesh… I find it difficult to rationalise it to myself now that the lid is off!

Not sure why it takes so long…. for me 20+ years! Silly me

Actually, I do know why. As gettingthere wrote… fear of rejection. Not wanting to be ‘different’. Also, in my case, not identifying with any ‘gay’ people. I grew up in rural Victoria and did not know one gay person. My world was totally heterosexual and all I knew was stereotypes. Back in the 80s these stereotypes were not at all positive. “The Grim Reaper” springs to mind. See this youtube clip: –

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=U219eUIZ7Qo

But despite all these societal and family pressures not to accept who I was, in the end I had to embrace the reality. The alternative was not liking who I was.

Recognizing the truth with no denial, excuses, or explanations.

A Succinct idea!!. I will write this down…. to help me survive the storm.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and reflections. “Gettingthere” I can tell that you are a thoughtful and good person!

that analogy of the box of oranges in an apple orchard…..do you come up with that gettingthere

Sheeesh, this makes me sound like an inhibited middle aged recluse!

If it makes you feel any better my dad was well over 50 by the time he came out!

really good description Sandy…..i ignored the spelling mistake

Oh shut up would you?!

I can’t spell, I’ve never been able too. I read and read and read and you would think I could spell but I can’t. I spelled “does”, “dose” up until my HSC when my english teacher told me she would go through all the papers until she found the one that was spelt in this way and take a mark off for every time I did it. For someone who ended up getting 97.8 in the HSC this was very serious and I had absolutly no sense of humour about it.