I am a lesbian christian and for years have gone through periods of accepting myself and accepting that God accepts me for who I am and on the other hand, being confused about whether it really is God who accepts me, or am I just trying to deny the truth and that He loves me, but has a different life in store for me that I just dont want to follow… Day in and day out I cry out to Him to show me a sign, give me answers, and then when I get what I think might be answers, I start wondering if its just me seeing what I want to see/dont want to see or if it truelly is Him.. Is my interpretation of His word true, or is it false? I so desperately want to have children with my partner, but maybe we are suppose to do it the “normal” way… They way God apparently intended it to be. I am so so so confused and hope that some how, some way, I come to a place where I know that I know that I know that God loves and accepts me for who I am, and blesses my relationship with my partner and its really okay to have children in a gay relationship…. Thats what I want to hear, but I am scared that I am just hearing what I want to hear and not the truth…. What is the truth…?

Well, there are times that I choose to not listen to the “Bible Bashing Truth” and then after a while, i begin to doubt and start to question myself… Am I really hearing from God on this issue or am I hearing what I want to hear? there are so many interpretations of the Bible… How do you know which is right? am I just applying the “Pro Gay” interpretation becuase it allows me to be who I am? But even so, why do I still struggle? 13 years of struggling? I see straight couples and envy how easy it is and wish I could have that. Wish I could experience that…. be “normal”. and I know I could probably live that life, if I broke my gf’s heart and my own heart and found a man and did it the “normal” way… I would be living that “normal fairytale” life, minus the connection to myself and my partner, but perhaps more of a connection to society and to God….

Am I finding it hard to accept that God loves me and accepts me, and its me hiding myself from Him, becasue I have not accepted who I am?or is it the ongoing sin that seperates me from Him, the sin of homosexuality?

Thanks guys, for your input! Really appreciated… I guess this is my journey and I will work at my Salvation on a daily basis. Its really nice to have other people out there’s encouragement and opinions. It really helps ALOT! So if anyone has anything to add, I really do appriceate it! Thanks again!

hi kachezva…..great that you found us and have a space where you can talk about these things with people that understand the journey. It hasn’t been smooth for many of us. It is not unusual for some of us to have our ups and downs and even in and out of the closet several times.

Sounds like you are getting some good help, support and caring advise here….which is great.

BTW….I am moving this over to the telling our stories section…….hope you dont mind……..but that is often where people look for a story to relate to and of course some would relate to yours.

heyy

your spiritual experience is so similar to mine! i’m now absolutely comfortable with God being totally okay with me being a lesbian. this was not through periods of many doubt and tears tho. i think it takes time for you to weigh things out, emotionally and mentally. spiritually i think, there’s no room to doubt! For me, the condemnation brought on about homosexuality topics has no weightage at all! bible study leaders, preachers, pastors and all always touch upon the issue of sexuality but never really dive into the core depth of the passage/verse! they touch it lightly and move on to the next topic, leaving the impression to those who are under their guidance to believe that homosexuality is condemned! the thing is, a lot of them dont even know that they are doing it. it’s because society sets the statues quo and because majority of the people on earth, and also people in d bible are straight, those that dont fit into their category are labelled sinful/ungodly.

before i was straight with myself and my orientation (check out the irony in that! lol), i was also leading some people in bible reading and having follow-ups with a few people and i would go relatively against gays and lesbians, without even knowing my scripture correctly and without even knowing what i was going on about. i was so sure what i read was what it meant n what was taught was what was true that i didn’t even do my own research on the issue to come to conclusions. hence why i say that some of the teachers dont even know that they are going about it the wrong way.

personally i think awareness is what people need, to come to “enlightenment”. because i have a strong feeling that if i were to round up 10 of my christian friends together and ask them about homosexuality and their basis of biblical judgement towards us people, they would not have a single true evidence using biblical scripture to be able to stumble us. it’s just the whole hoo-haa of people spreading the surface understanding of a very deep pool. they didn’t even jump in to check out what the scripture really meant. they just look to d surface and think that what they read and learn about is true. i’m very guilty of that and i’m very aware and passionate about this now

oh… haha have i went off topic? i guess to bring things back, God loves you unconditionally, there’s no where in the bible that states that you cannot be in a same-sex, committed, loving and monogamous relationship. and most of the “homosexual” statements in the bible are regarding same-sex sexual activities that happen through ritual of worshiping another god. when i figured that part out, it brought me to tears and God’s unconditional love was just overflowing! and hopefully you’ll come to that understanding as well or maybe u’ve already have! :D

and yeah, i guess i wrote so much about people not understanding what the bible means is because when i found out what it meant, i finally really saw God as God of my life, the God of love

great to see u in this community and hope to hear more from you!

-rach

Great words of wisdom there, Rach. Thank you!

It is SO true that many people have only done surface readings of scripture and have no idea what was originally meant. They have not been properly informed from the pulpit nor thought to independently check the information given. It is never wise to simply swallow a message whole without checking the content against good research and our own internal guidance. When it comes to the bible, I believe those who are interested need to do independent research and also be aware that quite a few things cannot be proven because they are lost to antiquity.

In the Sodom and Gomorrah story, it’s also worth noting that the sodomy that went on was at the hands of a crazed mob, most of whom would have been heterosexual men. So that horrendous story involved pack violence and abuse that had nothing to do with sexual orientation.

I love the scripture you have quoted as part of your signature, Rach. I think that sums everything up. It’s all about love. I also think that looking at peoples’ lives for the fruit of the spirit is a way to measure whether they are good and of God. And for those who are fond of preaching hatred against those in the LGBT community, the fruits of the spirit don’t include hate, judgment and condemnation. In fact Jesus had a lot to say about those who do that, and none of it good. Meanwhile he said nothing about homosexuality that I know of. You’d think if it was wrong or a highly significant issue, he would have had something to say.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Dear Kachezva

I also have been on this journey but I have finally found a sense of peace about this issue and I hope that my story might give you some sense of hope for yourself.

When I first came out at my church after I had met a woman I had fallen in love with (after 2 failed heterosexual marriages and 5 children) the church made me “feel very unwelcome”, stripped me of my offices in the church, and turned their backs on me ( and my children), hoping I think that this would encourage me to repent and see the ‘truth”. I received hate mail, some people wanted to have me exorcised, and several church friends tried to encourage my children to leave me, and go and live with them to save them from my sinful lifestyle. My girlfriend was devastated for me, as all I could do was cry. I felt so naive – I had no idea my decision would release such a maelstrom in my life! Anyway, my girlfriend in an effort to support me, rang many churches in my city to get someone to pray for me and many declined. She was a non-Christian and she was appalled. In one day I had lost my best friends, my sense of security and I was filled with shame. And after more than 10 calls not one Christian was willing to pray for me.

Interestingly, one lovely spirit-filled elderly minister opened his church to me that night and prayed for me. He said he had learnt grace when his youngest daughter had suicided in the Catholic church several years before and he had been wounded by his parishioners and friends response to his daughter choice to end her life. That night he told me God was more interested in what I did with my heart than my plumbing . Even now I am amazed by the grace of this wonderful man who had until then been a complete stranger to me.

I also got on the internet and sent an email to a straight woman from America (a wife of a well known pentecostal minister) who had been brave in declaring her support of gay people openly belonging to churches. She sent me a delightful message telling me that she absolutely believed that nothing could separate me from the love of God and that God still loved me. I wish I could say that I could hear these people’s messages, and yet, unfortunately I began a journey into the dark recesses of my soul as I could not shift the ideas about homosexuality I had heard in church.

For 3 years I walked without God and finally my relationship with the woman I had been with broke down and I was devastated. I wanted to commit suicide. I was empty and hollow and my life had become meaningless. At this time I rang the original elderly minister for some solace and he suggested I go and speak to a straight married chaplain at my university who had recently been stood down from her position in the church for expressing her support of homosexuals participating openly in church. That woman, who I had only just met saved my life, quite literally. She contracted with me to keep me alive and she walked with me and was the most remarkable source of love and support. We remain dear and close friends to this day.

After this I decided that I could only be alive AND in relationship with God. Slowly I started to trust in God and people again. It was a very slow process, and I often wondered where the truth was, whether I had only told myself things to justify my actions etc etc. I started to read more widely about Church ideas about homosexuality and realised that the pentecostal view of homosexuality was not shared by others. Many Christians I admired including Desmond Tutu and Philip Yancey spoke out against the hard line Christian doctrines and the interpretations placed on particular scriptures and I realised that there were churches and people who actually believed and lived the gospel of grace.

I have since reestablished my relationship with God and I can see daily proof in my life of his blessing and presence. I still find church difficult and I actively avoid going. I trust God but I must admit I still fear people’s judgement. His spirit has remained with me. Some of my old church ‘friends’ have seen this in my life and have been surprised by this I think. They have as a result reconsidered their own opinions about God. My God is not small and narrow minded. He is the author of everything I see, He loves variety, he loves to love me. He is what makes my heart beat, He is still what makes my heart sing. And I know, that every person on this wobbly planet including me, despite being imperfect, makes His heart sing when we enter into relationship with Him.

I do a tough job where I work with mentally ill and distressed teenagers who have either lost their way or are having trouble finding it. I could not do this work without God. He is there in the room with me, flowing through me to them. When I walked those 3 years without God I was empty. My heart was cold and lifeless. I wish words could do this explanation justice. All I know is that despite my sexual orientation, where there is love there is God. When I pray he answers even if only to say hush, be patient, not your will but My will be done. My life now is full of meaning. However, it is not without its heartache, not without disappointment, not without pain. But then that is life. I just know that I am called to be Jesus’ hands, heart and care in this world just as those special emissaries who came to me when my life was hanging in the balance were called to be there for me. They are the true Christians. They gave me back my life and showed me what it is to be a true Christian in this world. God cares about what you do with your heart not your plumbing!

I pray that you will also find peace and the truth to know that nothing will ever separate you from the grace and love of God and that He will send you angels in disguise to support you and guide you every step of the way. Sometimes its only in hindsight, we can see His presence was always there, even in the darkness.

Follow your heart

T x

Hi tessinthelabyrinth

What an amazing story! Thanks so much for sharing. Is this is in the ‘telling our stories’ section too? If it isn’t, it would be great to include there.

I’m glad you have found peace after a difficult search for supports in Christian churches.

Blessings to you, especially in your work. You are amazing. (I know because I do some of that work too).

Ann Maree

Thanks for your kind words and maybe I’ll cut and paste it across on your advice.

Blessings. Keep up the good work

T

I put this sticky up at the top of this forum as i’m sure some people who post their stories here don’t realise that people have replied. http://www.freedom2b.org/topic/946