:~

My story is plain, but it’s my own, so here it is.

I was brought up Roman Catholic (did not have a choice, really, in a RC country). It was pretty heavy indoctrination, heavy on sin and hell, and light on God’s love.

As a result, although I admire people with a living faith, I can only take ‘religion’ in small doses.

I grew up much loved and sheltered (only child of older parents), and went to a girls’ school till 16.

At 11, I had a best friend to whom I was very attached. She felt uncomfortable with me, and broke the friendship and my heart.

I have never had a physical relationship with a woman. With me it always stopped at feelings and desires.

I considered myself capable of being attracted to either sex, and I chose the heterosexual way. I married, had children, then I met another man and my marriage collapsed.

After the end of that relationship, for the following 20 years I decided to ‘close shop’. I was not bitter, I believe in love and I like sex; I just felt very comfortable with celibacy,happy, not just contented, and in control.

Well, little did I know that it was all going to collapse. Unexpectedly one year and a half ago, I fell for another woman (and I felt so foolish at my age). I let my heart and my mind run ahead of reality and out of control. She did not even know of my feelings and I was already dreaming of a happy future together! She was such an interesting person to know and I had been told that she was unattached. Against my better judgement and for the first time in my life I told her how I felt and I asked her to give us a chance. When she said no, and also disappeared from my life, I was totally devastated. I do not understand why the end of something that had not even started felt to me like the end of a long term relationship.

I now had to deal with issues of personal identity as well as the rejection. There was the dismay – and shame – of witnessing my well-nurtured equilibrium and self-sufficiency shatter, and it was a pretty ‘public’ display of vulnerability, bordering on suicidal feelings at times!

I was lucky to be surrounded by very supportive people; I may not be here had they not been around.

I still do not know what I am, but I am comfortable with myself. I have been working at understanding myself more, with the help of a counsellor who respects and supports my identity. I consider this experience a catalyst for growth and change. But it hurt, OMG, did it ever!

Hi AVB,

How far have I come since this time last year? Well, no matter how I was feeling inside , I have not let that stop me from living, and I have achieved a number of my personal goals for the first year (thank you, coach!),

I have also felt strong enough in myself to wean myself off from the anti-depressant medication.

The uni subject I did last semester (Loss & Grief) has provided valuable insight and tools. What resonates with me the most is the current theory of ‘adaptation’ rather than ‘resolution’. Robert Neimeyer says: ‘closure is for accounts, not for relationships’. I am finding a place for the memory that does not interfere with the present living.

I will never be the same, but I probably do not want to be the same. Living and loving and being a complete person involve every emotion , including pain, and I recognize and accept this.

Hi Lady Jane,

Thanks for posting your story, its a brave thing to do and I hope the comments posted and the atmosphere of F2b make it worthwile for you. It’s not plain at all, in fact I find it very interesting. I tend to suffer (and I do mean suffer) from a very ridged black and white view of most things. I’m working on expanding that scope but its a constant challenge for me. I greatly admire how comfortable you are with yourself without the need for labels or ‘identities’ and to be able to give yourself the time to work through what these events and feelings mean for you.

Loosing someone you love is extreemly difficult and I’m sorry that you had to go through it. I hope that in time you emerge from the grief stronger, wiser and with a greater understanding of both yourself and others.

Again, thanks for posting. q

Hello Lady Jane, I also want to welcome you to our community here. It always lifts my spirits to see a new person posting their story. I admire your ability to live without a label. Today’s society makes it very hard for people to do that and I know many people expend so much mental energy trying to figure out what label suits them best. For many the process leads to anguish instead of answers. You are setting a good example, I think. Hopefully one day, a person will not feel any anxiety at all over feelings towards a person of a sex they didn’t know they were attracted to. Looking forward to hearing more from you soon, Lady Jane.

living with ambiguities is a great lesson to learn. People make poor decisions sometimes when they can’t come up with all the answers.

In the process of churches accepting LGBT people into their congregations they will have to live with some ambiguities……this will be the challenge….because we are so used to saying with have all the answers in the bible.

I also agree with gettingthere and long for the day when there won’t be any anxiety or issue about our attractions, sexualities or uniquenesses. They will just reveal themselves and there will be acceptance and no need to justify or label.

Cheers,

Ann Maree

Hello again,

You know, I used to be obsessed with the ‘why’ of things. Why does the Bible say what it does? Why do people interprete it differently? Why do I feel the way I do about women? Why don’t I feel that way about men? Why did I fall for that particular person? Why me? I just read your post and was struck by the statement: “I know what I feel.” With so many questions at a time like this, so many uncertaintities its encouraging and reassuring to know what you feel, to know yourself.

Years ago I rang an ex-gay Christian organisation and told them my story in the hopes of…well actually without much hope, just a whole lot of desperation. I expected bible bashing, I expected stern speeches about attending reparative therapy and Jesus’ sacrafice for me. I got one simple question: Have you given yourself time to grieve? This person, this conservative, right-winged, employee of an ex-gay organisation acknowledged my love for another woman as real, he acknowledged all the losses I had suffered and through asking that question he gave me permission to grieve for a love and a life that would never be the same again. I remember this man every time I feel like smacking a conservative Christian .

What you felt for this woman was real because as you said yourself, I know how I feel. So, in turn, I’ll ask you: Have you given yourself time to grieve?

Happy New Year Ladies!!

Thank you for this discussion. Relationship losses are as painful as deaths although our society is still a long way from acknowledging them as such (i.e. we don’t usually get ‘compassionate days’ from employers when a relationship breakdown occurs). And so what you have gone through, Lady Jane, is a major beareavement that will take time to grieve. I commend you for standing firm with the knowledge of who you are and your right to grieve in your own time and way. Perhaps your loss is more too because your feelings weren’t reciprocated, while touching on the earlier event when you were 11. You didn’t get the chance to develop the relationship beyond the realms of your own fantasies so in a way that is another loss in itself. Our minds are powerful in creating all kinds of things before the physical world even has a look-in. And if you have a rich inner life, investing a lot into your fantasy, then the pain of losing that is perhaps more compared to someone who processes things less.

I don’t think that actual age is an indicator of development or what we should or shouldn’t know. We learn things when we need to and relationships are tricky and part of lifelong learning. I say this because it sounds as if you were berating yourself for being older and not knowing, comparing yourself to others perhaps. As well as that, falling in love can cause anyone to feel foolish and exposed no matter what their age. I think it’s universal.

I’m glad you have supportive people around you, Lady Jane. You sound like a very strong and determined person who is moving toward greater self awareness. It’s a privilege to share in some of your journey.

Hi Ann Maree,

Thanks for writing and for caring. I am doing reasonably well. I have ups and downs, but the downs seem to be less at the moment. This afternoon, I recalled an episode that made me a bit teary, but then it went. I still think of upcoming things such as Valentine Day and birthday, but i’ll deal with it when the time comes.

I am back at work and I am swamped, but I have been seriously reorganising it, to make it more effective and easier on myself. My uni course (grad dip in counselling) restarts in 3 weeks and I am gearing up for the final run this year (unless I want to be really masochistic and go on to Masters and higher).

Recently I had a face to face conversation with someone in a same sex relationship for an number of years, after being married and having children. It was so incredibly easy to talk to her and feel the commonality of experiences.

Next Tue 19th, I’ll be going to Sydney to the Paul Martin’s workshop on ‘working more effectively with GLBT clients’, and I am looking forward to it.

Hi Lady Jane

Thanks for the update. So you’re completing your counselling quali? That’s exciting. I’d be interested to know how the GLBTIQ conference goes. I thought about attending but unfortunately can’t make it.

It’s nice to know you had someone to talk with recently who understood your experiences.

Those connections are so important aren’t they?

Blessings,

Ann Maree