Hey all,

I am so nervous and scared at the moment mixed with a bit of excitement.

I hope to come out to my parents next weekend (29th June) as I feel that this will be the most appropriate time to tell them. I am going away that night to a mates place and I was going to leave them a letter. I feel this is the best option as this gives them time to think and process the information without my pressure and gives them time to think about how they want to answer me and address the topic.

I would prefer to do this is some other way than a letter but with my parents I don't think there is any other way.

Below is my draft letter to my parents. Please tell me what you think and I would love to get any hints or tips surrounding this issue. Also Anthony i have used one of your quotes in my letter "Homosexuality is not a choice but morality is". Hope you don't mind.

Dear Mum and Dad

You’re probably wondering why I wrote you a letter. Well firstly I wanted to tell you how much I love you as my parents and I am truly blessed to have a mum and Dad that have always been there for me.

You have supported me through everything and given me anything I ever needed. You were strong when I was weak and have raised me to love our amazing, mighty God.

I am not perfect as you know. I’ve made mistakes, been hard to handle and been a bit too much sometimes.

Writing this letter is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Because I love you and the thought that this could hurt you is enough to almost not say anything. You mean the world to me. But I know that I’ve needed to tell you this for a while. Here goes…I am gay.

There are probably many things going through your head during this moment. Perhaps you are sad, disappointed, shocked, worried, or confused. It is natural to not know what to do or to think. I know that there's a lot of theories that parents have something to do with their son being gay; I want to tell you both that none of it is true (both scientifically and psychologically) and to not accept it. As far as I know I was born gay.

This isn’t easy for you. Not many parents have to go through this and I am sorry that you have to. I’ve had my whole life to come to terms with it and it has still been extremely difficult. If you need to take some time to deal with it that is alright and I completely understand that. I love you both and will give you all the time you need. I hope that your journey to acceptance and love of your gay son doesn't take as many years as it has for him.

I am still the same person today as I was yesterday. I haven’t changed except I am finally being honest with you. I am gay and I am alright about it for once in my life. Over the past few months through my depression I have struggled with accepting myself but I have come to accept me for who I am. I know that God still loves me and my relationship with Him will never change. Jesus is still my Saviour and while I probably have more questions than answers I just have to have faith in His saving grace.

This has been so difficult for me and when you know you’re gay and you are a Christian it almost seems like they are two worlds in conflict. But there are others, Gay Christians that is. I believe the church as a whole is changing, motivated by the love and compassion of Jesus Christ and with the knowledge that gay people can still live a life devoted to God. Homosexuality is not a choice but morality is.

Being gay doesn’t mean that I have to be promiscuous or that I have to change the way I act. There are so many gay people out there that are humble, loving, caring, honest and understanding. I am myself and I will still carry on the same way and just in case you were wondering I do not have a boyfriend or anything like that.

Most nights growing up I cried myself to sleep, desperately praying for God to change me. I hated myself and didn’t think that being gay was part of God’s plan. I constantly lied to myself and to others pretending to be straight. I would continually put on a facade as if everything was ok but underneath it wasn’t. I don’t know if there is anything harder than trying to deal with your sexuality in a church and a society that condemns and devalues you.

For all my life I’ve been praying for God to take the gay away but He would not make me straight or ‘cure’ me. He seems so present in so many circumstances but it’s almost like he just leaves me alone to deal with my sexuality. I have studied the bible many times and have probably come to take a more liberal approach than before but my faith stands strong if not stronger because of this. I have a deeper connection with God and a greater understanding of human frailty and potential and what it means to love unconditionally.

I’d love to tell you that this is just a phase or that I can change but sadly that’s not the case. I’ve been gay for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I just know that I am. Who knows why some people are born in developing countries and some are born to wealthy families; who knows why some people are straight and some are gay. There are no definite answers to these complicated questions but we have to believe that God’s plan is bigger than just what we see and hear.

I’ve read almost every single book I could find on changing the homosexual as I was desperate to be ‘normal’ and believed that change was what Jesus wanted of me. I have been through what the church call ex-gay programs to make you straight but they don’t work. After several attempts to try and ‘cure’ me it didn’t work. The success rate of these programs is something like 13% and even for those that claim to have changed, many are just denying and suppressing their true feelings. Personally, it made me depressed to the point where I almost took my life. I hated myself and constantly believed that I was a mistake or problem and started cutting myself just to feel anything. I kept who I was a secret, covered under shame, guilt and loneliness for most of my life. I was told I was an abomination and that is what I believed. I tried to change but could not and in my eyes that made me a failure with a one way ticket to hell. I had no self value, confidence or peace. Recently with a lot of medication, regular psychology sessions and heaps of prayer I have come to the knowledge that this can’t be what God requires of me. The heart of Jesus Christ cries out for love, freedom, truth and justice. Surely he doesn’t want me hating myself and wanting to die. There had to be something else to this. His word only says 6 debatable verses condemning homosexual sexual relations. The bible never condemns homosexual orientation nor says anything about trying to change homosexuals into heterosexuals but it does say:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Cor 12:9

Maybe I can be a light in the gay community, perhaps which part of God’s plan for my life is. I want to be a part of bringing hope and justice to those that were in the same situation as me. Recent statistics have come out showing that one of the highest rates of suicide occurs by young gay men and women. Many are not told the truth nor given real answers. The term homosexual wasn’t even put into the bible until 1948. And nowhere in the bible does it say that you must change or that because you are gay you are a mistake. I can’t just stand still knowing what I know, what I have learnt and what I believe. I will be part of the difference and the hope that many in the church need today.

I don’t expect to ever have children or a family and that knowledge is once more a hard thing to face. But I cannot continue living a lie nor could I ever bear to put a woman through a false sense of love and marriage.

These next few weeks and months will be difficult but I will not back down. God is by my side standing with me for truth and justice, walking each and every step with me. Teaching me new things, blessing me with compassion and helping me unlearn many old, unhelpful attitudes and beliefs. Jesus is my guide, my strength, my rock. The God that I had once blamed for all of this has always been my liberator and my refuge. I just took longer to see Him for who He really is.

I would love you to support me in this even though it’s hard. You don’t have to agree with me but I would really appreciate your love and support. I don’t know where you stand on this complicated issue and the choice is completely up to you. I would love for you to ask questions and I’m sure that by now you have heaps of them. I will be more than happy to answer any of your questions or concerns and I would love your advice. Again I would love for you to take all the time you need. This will be difficult for you and you both may need some time to reflect on it, ask questions and get support. If there’s anything I can do to help you deal with this then I would be happy to.

I love you so much and I hope you love me too. It is ok to find this hard, I probably would too if I was in your situation. But I want you to know that no matter what, I am still your son and I still absolutely love and respect you.

Lots of love,

I’ll see you when I get home tomorrow.

Ben

Ps.

Hopefully you are both reading this together and if so now might be a good time to give each other a hug. I’m sure you need it.

Sorry. It is pretty heavy stuff at times but let me know what you think.

Thanks heaps,

Have the best weekend!!!

You are brave Ben.

I’ve been there and it takes alot of guts to be honest with your parents.

Know that however they respond you have love and support here with your new freedom2b(e) family.

Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes as you’re able.

Ben, that is a fantastic letter bud.

Hope all goes well with your folks.

I trust you have some supportive people around you regardless of how your parents react.

All the best champ.

Hi Ben. My mother and father go to Hillsong and have had to go through the parent journey. They are good friends with a few of the pastors as well. I could give you there details for support if you would like.

They have gone from a place of anger and distress to their place of acceptance… PM if you want there details etc.

Hey,

Thank you again for the warm support, encouragement and helpful tips and guidance on this issue. I appreciate it and I honestly don’t know what I would do without you all. THANK YOU!!!

This will be hard and I just hope and pray that God guides my way. Without Him this could end very badly. I would go so far as to say my Dad hates gays. But my Mum I hope will be a bit more supportive. I’m just really scared at the moment you know.

I really do wish that we were a little further along in discussions with Hillsong so that there was a pastor I could recommend that would support your parents appropriately. Do you want me to see what i can do?

Thanks Anthony and Frogger for the offer but in my previous talks about this with Hillsong pastors, either they try to shove me in another ex-gay program or like some pastors have, they just pray for me and then ignore it. My connect leader just prayed for me and told me….”Well Sy Rogers did it”. He’s said nothing since. Aargh!!!!

I like others are stating to see a change in Hillsong but unfortunately many pastors and leaders are unwilling to actually help me out. I am scared to think what they will tell my parents.

But thank you for your support. I will definately mention PFLAG to them and maybe they could even come to a session with my psychologist. He is from Hillsong and seems like a great guy. I’m sure he could support them.

I’ve written a list of info and support sources for them:

ALSO – If you need support or advice:

- Ring Friend’s parents ******* for advice or support

- Uncle **** could probably help

- Ring Hillsong if you feel you need to.

- My Psychologist (*****) at the Hillsong ******** – (ph:*******)

- PFLAG

- Gay Christian 101 is a website that explains the theological side http://www.gaychristian101.com

- http://www.exgaywatch.com

(Info on Ex-gay programs, reparative therapy and the dangers of entering these programs)

- http://www.freedom2be.com.au (Australian Pentecostal GLBT Christian support website)

And I was also gonna buy them a copy of your book Anthony. . My mum loves a good read!

Also would it be possible for my parents to maybe email you with any questions or anything like that. Most likely it won’t happen but is that possible?

Ben that is a wonderful honest letter and very very well written and thought out and I ditto on having support for both you and your parents available.

Thanks Anthony and Frogger for the offer but in my previous talks about this with Hillsong pastors, either they try to shove me in another ex-gay program or like some pastors have, they just pray for me and then ignore it. My connect leader just prayed for me and told me….”Well Sy Rogers did it”. He’s said nothing since. Aargh!!!!

Thats annoying yes but Sy was wanting a sex change and felt he was a woman really in the wrong body (he also had a very very shattered childhood and his perception couldve been distorted and not suprisingly so), very different to a gay man who loves being a man wanting to be with men, Sy was not homosexual as far as I can see with these things in mind(so can hardly be used as a homosexual model for change), people still need to be educated in that arena(re:transsexuals) as far as I can see(in my opinion).

Hey all, yes I have been busy sorting out my family, and other things… I am okay. Super crazy busy with work, family and life in general.

Ben, I’m sure my parents could lead you to a supportive pastor, maybe not with the same values as you, but supportive all the same. They found pastors who were supportive to them in their time of dealing with my sexuality, my relationship and then my partner and I having kids…

Well done Ben!

I am so proud of you to have written such a positive and confident letter to your parents …filled with genuine love and integrity!

We’ll all be thinking about you this weekend.

iain

Wow Ben, I so should not have read that at school why my kids are working on the computers. Man alive, I am moved, torn, inspired and a whole range of emotions right now. It’s all a little too close to home, but such a huge step.

God Bless and good luck,

Phil

encouraging words from the other side of the fence cowshoes…..thanks