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45, Christian, Female........but I'm not sure about much else

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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 8:23 pm

I don’t know what I am really………don’t call me lesbian or bisexual just yet, I’m not comfortable with it. I’m on my own. I just want to be a person who can love another person, irrespective of their gender.

My christian journey began about 30 years ago (actually it doesn’t feel like that long ago). As a new christian my idealism knew no bounds – I was married at 18, a mother by 19. My own family aren’t christians but are very supportive and loving. They allowed me to make my own choices even though they had serious reservations about both the marriage and my new-found ‘religion’. I thought my marriage was safe and ‘wholesome’ (does anybody remember the magazine’ Above Rubies? Sorry for dredging that memory up!). We were the perfect family on the outside.


As time progressed and the rose-coloured glasses about church life began to fade, I began to openly challenge and question gender stereotypes and traditional pentecostal views. Often the arguments were with myself – my own narrow views that I had constructed as a new christian. Eventually my marriage disintegrated. I left my husband and we divorced about 10 years ago. Such freedom, but such a high price!! My kids hated me, my church didn’t understand me and I knew I had committed the unpardonable sin -you know, DIVORCE. I can’t say how many years it took to get over that guilt.


About 2 years ago a beautiful lesbian woman came into my life. You probably all know what happened next – I prayed, I cried and cried, I had counselling, and I finally learned to tell myself the truth, that this was love and it was too strong to ignore. I quietly began a relationship with her and once again upset my kids and my church. I have a few people around me that support me but none of them share my faith. And I found out that there IS something worse than divorce in the eyes of the church…..


My girlfriend had a whole lot of reasons to hate christianity, and after some beautiful times and some tragic, we broke up. I have lost a lot but found out 2 things. I have loved a woman more than I ever loved any man. And I still believe Jesus loves me!! So I’m in no-mans land at the moment. No church, no girlfriend and no interest in a relationship with men. But I have found out that at the darkest times I have one who cares and never gets sick of hearing me pray. I’m amazed to find that God still loves me. But even though I’m no longer in an ‘offensive’ relationship I won’t go back to church. I want to be free to be with who I want. Now if I could only find where I belong………


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Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 8:51 pm

LuckySky,


Your story sounds similar in many ways to my own, but for the fact I went actively looking for a female partner after leaving my husband. But yes, I remember the magazine Above Rubies, and I remember being in that ‘picture perfect’ (on the outside) marriage.


Thank you for sharing your story with us. The one great thing we all share in common, no matter what labels we use or don’t use, is the fact that God loves us just the same despite our labels, beliefs or fears.


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iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
February 2, 2010, 9:19 pm

Hi Luckysky,


Welcome to Freedom2b[e] and thanks for sharing your story. Here you can be free to just be yourself without any condemnation or judgement. Hope to hear more of your journey to find a place of belonging …


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 9:36 pm

thanks for that, Meg.

May I ask why you went looking for a woman? (sorry if that’s a bit forward) That’s the part of me I don’t understand. I don’t think it had ever occurred to me that that could be my path, I had always thought that only broken people were lesbians. That sounds so arrogant now, I know. A big part of why i left my church is that I was suddenly so horrified by the judgement and hostility I saw around me towards homosexuality. And through my ignorance i had played a part in that. I feel so uninformed, how can I remedy that?


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Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 9:44 pm

Hi LuckySky,


I am not offended by the question.


I guess because I’d always known, but did a lot of work at repressing the fact that I was same sex oriented. When I finally broke free, I wanted to put paid to the lies I had told myself, and everyone else, and finding a partner seemed the way to do that.


I didn’t find one immediately and I feel grateful for that, now. I went on a series of ‘dates’ with varying degrees of disaster.


It wasn’t until I stopped looking that love found me. So glad, now, that that is how it happened.


As far as feeling uninformed goes, please don’t think that I am any kind of expert. I’ve had a total of one same sex relationships in my life and am still in that same one and still ‘learning’ who I am. :)


Where is it that you feel that you lack knowledge or information?


These forums are a great place to ask questions and learn more about faith and sexuality. I’ve learned quite a lot since joining here a couple of years ago now.


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 9:45 pm

thanks, Mobileguy.

I’m so glad I found this forum. Some days are pretty hard to get through aren’t they. I feel caught between 2 opposing worlds, neither of which have any tolerance for the other. I can’t believe there are other people from the same place as me. I’ll be sticking close.


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 9:47 pm

thankyou


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Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 9:48 pm

You’re welcome! I went back and added a little bit to my previous reply. I hope you didn’t miss it. :)


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
February 2, 2010, 9:54 pm

Hi Luckysky


You wrote:

“…and I finally learned to tell myself the truth, that this was love and it was too strong to ignore”


I love this, the way you’ve expressed the journey of being who you are, as truth telling. Thank you for being so refreshing.


You are very welcome here. :)


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 2, 2010, 9:55 pm

Hey Luckysky…..great to have you here. I trust you feel safe…supported and that you can be yourself here.


I dont know if this is of any help…….but I’ve had lots of emails from women who read my autobiography and told me their story.


it went very similar to yours. Never identified as lesbian…..but fell in love with thier best friend or another lady then had a relationship…..some are still together years later. Its okay to live with the ambiguity if its okay for you. You dont have to take on a label…..you just have to be you.


BTW….if you dont mind telling…..how did you find us.


…..and….OMG…..haven’t heard about Above Rubies for decades….had completely forgotten about it. Obviously I didn’t read it……used to read the Evangel and Charisma.


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 10:04 pm

OK I guess where I’m most lost is ….

I thought I had such clear ideas about sexual orientation – I assumed that you’re either gay or straight, and have always been. I don’t know if that’s me, cos this last one was my first with a woman. And initially I fought that so hard, as I said. Whatever happens now, I’m so grateful for my time with her. I haven’t loved someone like that before and I wonder if its because she was a woman. So was it just about that person, irrespective of her gender? And does that make me a lesbian, or just lucky because I stumbled across someone I could really give myself to?


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Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 10:10 pm

I think that it makes you lucky, first and foremost. :) Not many of us get the chance to experience that one, great love that transcends all else, you know?


Secondly, in my opinion, labels are just something to stick on jars. ;)


I don’t know if I am lesbian, or just in love with a person who happens to be a woman, or whether I could ever love a man in the same way again, or if I even want to. Not knowing is not a problem to me.


I’ve told people that I am gay/lesbian, because applying a label just makes things easier for others, but for me, it doesn’t really define who I am…if you know what I mean? I don’t think that any individual can be completely summed up in just one or two words.


I used to drive myself bananas trying to decide whether I really am gay, or just in love with a girl, or…any of a million different questions that could roll through my head in an hour.


About the only word I use to describe myself at present is “Happy”


That should be the only one that counts, really.


I agree with AVB it is perfectly fine to live with the ambiguity if that suits you. :)


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 10:17 pm

thanks I do feel safe. And that’s so good after the all the self doubt and defensiveness. I’m sitting here crying out all the sadness of the past few months, and its so healing to know that there are people here with me. About the label thing – I sort of feel like a bit of a fake calling myself a lesbian, because I’ve only had the one relationship and frankly don’t know if it was a one-of or not. I’m not up to another relationship just yet because I’m still grieving over the last one.

I came across your page through the American (I think) website for gay christians – there is a link there.


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Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
February 2, 2010, 10:22 pm

The one thing I love about this journey of life, is that there’s never any hurry. If you’re not ready to use a label, you don’t have to. You might never be ready to use a particular label and that’s okay.


I think the important thing is to take the time to grieve your losses and truly feel free before you push yourself on to any more exploration or progress.


Remember that part of the 23rd Psalm says: “He makes me lie down in green pastures, and restores my soul.”


That verse is all about taking time out to rest and heal. *hugs*


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Luckysky
 
Joined in 2010
February 2, 2010, 10:23 pm

Meg, I love your answer. It really resonates with me. I’ve never liked categories.


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
February 2, 2010, 10:44 pm

Hi Luckysky


I also agree with Meg and don’t care much for labels. They can be restrictive or about others’ expectations rather than our own unique journey.


When it comes to sexuality and orientation, I prefer to think in terms of spectrums and fluidity, which are more dynamic than fixed. For me personally, I am most comfortable with women but sometimes like men. You raised a good point that we don’t have to be 100% gay or straight. I mean, some people are and that’s great but some of us are not and that’s also more than OK. I think being present, aware and honest in each moment is more important than the label we use. And sometimes the expression of sexuality (in women especially) can change, and this is where a label that seems to fit at one time of our lives may no longer be accurate during another.


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 2, 2010, 11:04 pm

i’ve been working with some ladies lately who like the term gay women……not lesbain


for me I like the term gay. I buried all the negative connotations attached to it years ago.


for a time I thought I called myself bi…..my Christian friends said I was a confused heterosexual…..but now I realise I was a confused homosexual….hehe.


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pingtimeout
 
Joined in 2009
February 3, 2010, 1:07 am

Welcome and I hope you feel comfortable and happy here :)


Magz said it better than me – but labels are just that. Some people are gay. Some people are straight. A lot of people are in the middle somewhere. Even if you get a room full of people who are actually 100% gay and you’ll find most of them won’t have anything much in common and will have different understandings and expressions of their sexuality. There’s as many ways of defining sexuality as there are people in this earth. So don’t feel that you have to define yourself by someone else’s standards – define yourself as you, as a unique special person who God created, and figure out the rest on the way :)


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 3, 2010, 10:19 am

just a thought. Heterosexuals don’t have to identify themselves by their sexual orientation…….its already assumed and not an issue.


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Lady Jane
 
Joined in 2009
February 3, 2010, 10:23 pm

Hello, LuckySky,

I add my welcome to that of all the others’.

You don’t have to call yourself anything or try and fit into a mould. There is no ‘one size fits all’ label; we are all unique and had different experiences and feelings.

I don’t know what I am either. I did not have a same sex relationship, I just felt deeply in love with a woman and it forced me to re-examine my whole life and identity.

Ambiguity can make it more difficult to find our own place to belong, which is such a basic and important need. I find that Freedom to Be embraces everyone on their journey, in whatever place they are in the sexual continuum.


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