LuckySky,

Your story sounds similar in many ways to my own, but for the fact I went actively looking for a female partner after leaving my husband. But yes, I remember the magazine Above Rubies, and I remember being in that ‘picture perfect’ (on the outside) marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The one great thing we all share in common, no matter what labels we use or don’t use, is the fact that God loves us just the same despite our labels, beliefs or fears.

thanks for that, Meg.

May I ask why you went looking for a woman? (sorry if that’s a bit forward) That’s the part of me I don’t understand. I don’t think it had ever occurred to me that that could be my path, I had always thought that only broken people were lesbians. That sounds so arrogant now, I know. A big part of why i left my church is that I was suddenly so horrified by the judgement and hostility I saw around me towards homosexuality. And through my ignorance i had played a part in that. I feel so uninformed, how can I remedy that?

thanks, Mobileguy.

I’m so glad I found this forum. Some days are pretty hard to get through aren’t they. I feel caught between 2 opposing worlds, neither of which have any tolerance for the other. I can’t believe there are other people from the same place as me. I’ll be sticking close.

You’re welcome! I went back and added a little bit to my previous reply. I hope you didn’t miss it.

Hey Luckysky…..great to have you here. I trust you feel safe…supported and that you can be yourself here.

I dont know if this is of any help…….but I’ve had lots of emails from women who read my autobiography and told me their story.

it went very similar to yours. Never identified as lesbian…..but fell in love with thier best friend or another lady then had a relationship…..some are still together years later. Its okay to live with the ambiguity if its okay for you. You dont have to take on a label…..you just have to be you.

BTW….if you dont mind telling…..how did you find us.

…..and….OMG…..haven’t heard about Above Rubies for decades….had completely forgotten about it. Obviously I didn’t read it……used to read the Evangel and Charisma.

I think that it makes you lucky, first and foremost. Not many of us get the chance to experience that one, great love that transcends all else, you know?

Secondly, in my opinion, labels are just something to stick on jars.

I don’t know if I am lesbian, or just in love with a person who happens to be a woman, or whether I could ever love a man in the same way again, or if I even want to. Not knowing is not a problem to me.

I’ve told people that I am gay/lesbian, because applying a label just makes things easier for others, but for me, it doesn’t really define who I am…if you know what I mean? I don’t think that any individual can be completely summed up in just one or two words.

I used to drive myself bananas trying to decide whether I really am gay, or just in love with a girl, or…any of a million different questions that could roll through my head in an hour.

About the only word I use to describe myself at present is “Happy”

That should be the only one that counts, really.

I agree with AVB it is perfectly fine to live with the ambiguity if that suits you.

The one thing I love about this journey of life, is that there’s never any hurry. If you’re not ready to use a label, you don’t have to. You might never be ready to use a particular label and that’s okay.

I think the important thing is to take the time to grieve your losses and truly feel free before you push yourself on to any more exploration or progress.

Remember that part of the 23rd Psalm says: “He makes me lie down in green pastures, and restores my soul.”

That verse is all about taking time out to rest and heal. *hugs*

Hi Luckysky

I also agree with Meg and don’t care much for labels. They can be restrictive or about others’ expectations rather than our own unique journey.

When it comes to sexuality and orientation, I prefer to think in terms of spectrums and fluidity, which are more dynamic than fixed. For me personally, I am most comfortable with women but sometimes like men. You raised a good point that we don’t have to be 100% gay or straight. I mean, some people are and that’s great but some of us are not and that’s also more than OK. I think being present, aware and honest in each moment is more important than the label we use. And sometimes the expression of sexuality (in women especially) can change, and this is where a label that seems to fit at one time of our lives may no longer be accurate during another.

Welcome and I hope you feel comfortable and happy here

Magz said it better than me – but labels are just that. Some people are gay. Some people are straight. A lot of people are in the middle somewhere. Even if you get a room full of people who are actually 100% gay and you’ll find most of them won’t have anything much in common and will have different understandings and expressions of their sexuality. There’s as many ways of defining sexuality as there are people in this earth. So don’t feel that you have to define yourself by someone else’s standards – define yourself as you, as a unique special person who God created, and figure out the rest on the way

Hello, LuckySky,

I add my welcome to that of all the others’.

You don’t have to call yourself anything or try and fit into a mould. There is no ‘one size fits all’ label; we are all unique and had different experiences and feelings.

I don’t know what I am either. I did not have a same sex relationship, I just felt deeply in love with a woman and it forced me to re-examine my whole life and identity.

Ambiguity can make it more difficult to find our own place to belong, which is such a basic and important need. I find that Freedom to Be embraces everyone on their journey, in whatever place they are in the sexual continuum.