The Whole Story

Part 1

Church Life

I was brought up as a Catholic, and from childhood, experienced the church as cold and lifeless. The youth group made the church experience more palatable, with my social life expanding positively. When I outgrew this however, I was left with a painful void. I wanted a real relationship with God and meaningful connections with others but didn’t know where to find this.

In my early 20s, a friend introduced me to a Christian Revival Crusade (CRC) church, which seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I loved the emotional freedom, the degree of personal interaction with the preaching, the presence of actual biblical teaching and the huge amount of creative outlets. Most of all, the people were truly loving. There was great emphasis on experiential self development and I thrived on that and my newfound sense of purpose. I became involved in the worship team as a singer and later as a youth leader, with many blissful years of creatively reaching my fullest potential.

I never noticed however that as the church grew, the leaders became gradually more rigid. There were subtle changes over time. I was so involved in church activities that it was difficult to attend other things outside of church circles. I started to feel trapped. I met my husband, D, a visitor from other churches, who noticed things that weren’t biblical and quite wrong. People were made to feel that they weren’t committed enough unless they attended every single event.

D. challenged a couple of things and the leaders were threatened. They made life very uncomfortable, trying to pit us against each other. They had spies making lists about D., which included the most trivial of things and then conspired against him. We went to a meeting that we were led to believe was for working through differences but instead we were told to leave. They called D. “a cancer in the body of Christ” when he’d done nothing wrong. We were instructed not to talk to anyone inside or outside of the church. So-called friends stopped calling. People who’d been closer to me than my own family deserted us and there was no one to talk to. For years afterwards I had ongoing nightmares and was on an emotional roller coaster. I tried talking to a pastor at another church but he remained closed off, fearful that he might be perceived as siding against a pastor in his local network.

Part 2

The Desert

In the months and years that followed our ex-communication, we wandered around as if in a desert, utterly displaced. It was a totally barren landscape. I found myself baffled, unable to make sense of what had happened. Everything had been taken away with no reference for dealing with it. I would be stumbling along and suddenly flooded with powerful emotions. Once I woke filled with rage toward the church leaders, wanting them to suffer like I was. I asked D.: “Do you think I’m an evil person?” to which he replied: “No you’re just experiencing a wide range of emotions more intensely than ever before, which, given what’s just happened is totally normal.” He permitted me to imagine inflicting whatever suffering I could on the perpetrators. I found myself picturing that and then dissolving into tears. The anger gave way to pain as I realised I couldn’t do anything to them. This, although reassuring, meant I had to face my helplessness and was left with the gnawing questions of ‘How could they have been so cruel?’ and ‘Why?’ Then silence. There were no answers.

We visited a couple of local AOG churches but I missed the music and people I knew. I felt like we were marked as ‘rejects’, paranoid that even strangers were keeping their distance. Perhaps this was part of the grieving process to long for the previous church, and to feel that nothing seemed right because of the losses we’d experienced.

Part 3

Realising My Attraction to Women

As a young adult, I had fleeting moments when I thought of women in an intimate/ sexual way but didn’t pay much attention. I worked in clinics where the majority of staff members were either part of the GLBTIQ community or open to diversity. Differences in sexual orientation were readily accepted and there was a healthy openness about sex and relationships. It was within these surrounds that permitted me to wonder what it would be like to be with a woman. (By this time D. and I were divorced). I became friends with H., only to quickly realise I was completely in love with her. One day I blurted out how I felt. She admitted an attraction too. I was deliriously happy although slightly insecure as to whether she felt as intensely as I did. This was my first relationship with a woman, her second. H. was worried how her best friend (also a work colleague of mine) would respond when she told her of our attraction. (They had previously been an item years before). When the other woman was told by H., she was incensed. Her personality issues came to the fore in full force. Life at work suddenly became untenable. H. seemed to oscillate between wanting to be with me and pacifying the other woman. I realised I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t clear about what she wanted and lacking in courage. I therefore decided to leave the relationship and job behind.

Soon afterwards, I met my second GF. A. facilitated much of my healing, possessing a more universal view of life. A. was not from a church background but believed in higher truths, like kindness, integrity, hard work and goodness. It was refreshing but daunting to be with someone who had these ideas. I had to take more responsibility for my life within this broad framework, in stark contrast to the Pentecostal arenas where I’d been told what to believe and spoon fed. The church absolved me of many responsibilities, such as the pursuit of independent thought. Outside of the church however, I was required to seek and process ideas before deciding whether to integrate them into my life. It was not easy.

Integrating My Faith and Sexuality

I knew God, being love, was inclusive of all people, and so it made no sense to me that those in the GLBTIQ community would be excluded based on their sexual orientations. As far as I knew homosexuality wasn’t mentioned by Jesus and this got me thinking that maybe the subject wasn’t as important to Him as it was to a lot of Christians? It occurred to me that if we all just solely focused on learning to love, other issues, such as the debate about homosexuality, would probably become obsolete. This revelation was to underpin later learnings.

It was a powerful knowing over time that informed me that God wasn’t against gay people and therefore, that same sex relationships weren’t sin. Despite the drama of my first female relationship, I had been so happy and knew God would never be against that. Some books on homoeroticism and biblical times also provided alternative interpretations to the ones I’d been taught. Homosexuality was seen in a positive light, looking at cultural and historical practises, while challenging negative views from a more superficial reading of the bible.

Coming Out



I decided to be open and not lie if asked about my relationships. To some degree I took my cues from others, especially if they showed any open mindedness. The initial responses were positive, giving encouragement that being increasingly open was OK. For disclosures that I anticipated might be more difficult, I allowed myself time. I wanted to be as clear as I could about my orientation before presenting it to others. Any confusion or lack of confidence on my part might just be another hurdle for others to overcome. I wanted to be open but not rejected. I realised that others have the right to respond as they choose and that this might not always be my desired response. This made me seek supports in the GLBTIQ community, to strengthen my sense of self so I could deal with any possible negativity. Some time later, my mother invited my GF to dinner and I took the plunge to say that if she attended it would be as my partner not just as a friend. Mum indicated prior knowledge of this (!), adding that no one in the family would make an issue about my being with a woman! My father behaved in the same way as always, and now is more accepting of my current partner than any previous male partners.

I have not attended a church for many years, still fearful after the cult experience. My attempts to fellowship as an openly gay person have been unsuccessful, with pastors stating that I either change my orientation or be silent about my sexuality. I couldn’t do that so have learnt to rely more on myself while seeking supports elsewhere. Despite this, my faith in God and yearning for true spirituality is as strong as ever. The sacred is everywhere and no single faith has monopoly on that. Freedom to B[e] has helped me connect with like-minded people, which means a lot after feeling isolated for so long. I hope this story resonates with others to facilitate similar connections.

Hi Meg

Thanks and yes, you are right.

Ann Maree

Hi gettingthere

Thank you!! I’m really enjoying being on this site too and grateful.

It was difficult going back into my story although cathartic to write. I’ve carried that around, not having had an avenue to properly express it for 13 years. I mean, who was going to understand?

And so here I am, stronger and more open minded for my experiences.

I wouldn’t have chosen the suffering I went through but grew a lot as a result. And I do like a challenge!!

Thanks again for your feedback and the chance to dialogue. It helps.

Ann Maree

that was sooooo good Ann Maree. I’ve had bits and pieces of the story but it was good to have it explained this way.

when I set up freedom 2 b[e] and the guidelines….I so wanted it to be safe place for all….a place of healing and from your engagement here over the last few weeks and in this piece it seems to be working for you.

From my experience there are two major issues for GLBT people from christian backgrounds have to face. the first of course is the sexuality issue. For many of us the only way we can do that is to leave the christianity thing behind. Once we sort out the sexuality issue though…..the christianity one is left unresloved and on the shelf. Not everyone will take it down to look at it. But by doing that….it can cause as much cognitive dissonance as the sexuality issue. I see it so often. People got the gay stuff sorted out….but you know they are still carrying a burden from the past.

It is a timing thing though. For me it was 6 years later. For some people who resolve the faith issue they come out with a more inclusive, profound and universal sense of spirituality instead of a rigid christian belief system.

all our welcome in this space and respected. Freedom 2 b[e]….no agenda….no judgement…..your space to connect…talk….share….to be able to move on in our lives having resolved issues of faith and/or sexuality.

Hi Avb,

Thank you for that lovely reply!! And yes, this site is definitely a place of healing for me, and no doubt for many others. I can only say thank you to yourself and everyone involved for your vision and hard work in setting up and maintaining it.

I like what you’ve said sbout the 2 main issues and the long process in resolving them. It’s been 14-15 years since things soured in the church and we were kicked out and then all those other things occurred afterwards. So for me, the church thing preceeded the sexuality issue as we were asked to leave the church for other reasons. I’m just thinking: maybe that order of events helped me process the sexuality issue quicker than I might have otherwise? And then of course my jobs in GLBTIQ-friendly places and years of counselling training (involving very experiential, supportive and spiritual settings/processes) were invaluable.

Some of the faith issues are still unresolved and yet there’s been great growth. I’m still finding my way and yet I like the way I’ve developed. I have to say I like who I am now – there’s more open-mindedness and compassion and more of an ability to connect with people from all different beliefs and backgrounds. It wouldn’t have been good for me to stay as I was in a rigid belief system. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Hi Avb

Yes I probably am a layer girl! I process things deeply and so it takes a while for things to come together. Now you’ve got me thinking about each of the areas of sexuality and faith and how they’ve affected the different parts of me and where they resonate. With me it’s hard to say because I’m wired with emotions, thoughts, spirit etc all closely linked. Both sexuality and faith are complex areas too. With regard to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the sexuality issue could fit with needs around biology, safety, identity, belonging, and self esteem whereas faith perhaps overlaps with the last two and includes cognitive needs, aesthetic and self actualising. I may be oversimplifying though and they may cut across all our needs. Do you think that for some people, sexuality, although a major issue, may be easier to define or more obvious than faith which may be why it gets sorted first?

And yes, I must read your book.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Ann Maree

I guess my experience of sexuality is more fluid than that and yet I can see how if you’re born gay, and I agree that many are, that this is more constant/fixed than beliefs and perceptions.

That’s ok, Avb. Good to know I’m ‘normal’, whatever that is!

What about guys who are bi? They may take the view that they were born that way (and that well may be the case) but could it also be suggested that the expression of their sexuality might be more fluid than some gay guys or girls?

When I worked in sexual health clinics, one of the general views held was that sexuality is like a spectrum and that there is freedom to move about in that, that our orientation isn’t necessarily as fixed as we might have thought. For instance, I might identify as ‘lesbian’ but have some slight attraction to men, whereas other lesbians might be closer to being 100% for women. What are yours and others thoughts on that?

Ann Maree

Hi Trebor

Why thank you for the compliment! I feel very humbled, knowing that others have had worse things happen. That said, you are right – I have come through a lot and gained much too.

I like that we can all express ourselves differently, that there doesn’t have to be a cookie cutter type of GLBTIQ person. Celibacy definitely has its place and Jesus mentioned those who might take that up so they can dedicate themselves more to the Kingdom. I’d consider that a high calling though and a gift only for a special, small group. Do you think you could be called to celibacy or are you saying it might be easier than working on the relationship stuff? As much as I would love to be a nun, I’d end up being a naughty one. Sex wouldn’t be something I’d want to go without!!

Ann Maree

Hi Trebor

Well, as you said earlier, one step at a time. Maybe this period of not being in a relationship is necessary as you build yourself up and your relationship with God? It may be that you’re not so much being avoidant but just in need of some space for now. Whatever happens, whether you remain celibate or not, both states have their advantages and unique set of challenges.

From what you originally wrote, it sounds like you would like to be in a relationship but perhaps not just yet?

Ann Maree