:glasses: Mark’s Story…..as brief as can be ?

My life revolved around the church 100+% no time for friends in “The World” as it was called so therefore extremely sheltered in my entire upbringing since the age of about 5.

I did love my time in the church and made a lot of good friends but a few years ago that all changed. After 40 odd years in the church I finally came out of the closet the weird part was I wasn’t even planning on coming out.

Once I did it was horrible as all my friends and the only people I knew were in the church and I had no one to talk to I contemplated suicide everyday and played a Pete Murray song over and over again howling every time I played it and even now it still brings a tear to my eyes the words are….

“Better Days”

And I saw it coming

I saw emptiness and tragedy

And I felt like running

So far away

But knew I had to stay

And I know when I’m older

I look back and I still feel the pain

I know I’ll be stronger and I know I’ll be fine

For the rest of my days

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

I noticed the smallest things

But I didn’t notice the change

It was hot in the morning

Then it turned so cold, twas the end of the day

There was no condensation I just felt like I was in space

I needed my friends there I just turned around

They were gone without a trace

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Now I have just started

And I won’t be done till the end

There’s nothing I have lost

That was once placed upon the palm of my hands

And all of these hard times

Have faded round the bend

Now that I’m wiser I cannot wait

Till I can help my friends

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Great words and the part “I needed my friends there I just turned around

They were gone without a trace” got me every time.

I have only been out for 3 years now and trying to make new friends at my age has been so hard also trying to fill the massive void in my life now the church and all my friends were gone. So I threw myself into doing what I do best putting others before me to help me stop thinking about my life and where its headed and stop asking myself why did I bother coming out so late in my life. I had met this guy who use to be a Heroin addict but at the time of meeting him I had no idea. he wasn’t Gay and I just liked him and we just clicked. Eventually he was looking for a place to live and I let him move in to my spare room and then it all began.

He was still taking drugs – hooked on crystal at this time and every fortnight when it lead up to him getting his pension he couldn’t sleep as he knew it was pay day tomorrow meaning another hit. Things just got worse and worse even to the extent of him stealing stuff from my house and selling it at Cash Converters to get money for another hit.

But I never gave up on him I had been judging people all my life even people like him and not giving them a chance at all or knowing their full story eventually after a long long time he realized I wasn’t after anything and was being a true friend as the only people he had mixed with for the past 10 years of his life were drug addicts.

He got better and better as the weeks went on taking no more drugs except his medication and making contact with his family and his daughter who was now 3 years old. So I was glad to be able to help him but what I was also doing was putting my life on hold once again for nearly 2 years.

Eventually I explained this to him and told him we needed to go our separate ways and that I needed to be on my own again so that I can move on to the next part of my life where and what that is I still don’t know.

We are still good mates of course and chat and catch up nearly every week but it’s only been a few weeks since all this happened and it feels like I am coming out again. I am currently seeing a Counselor and to see if it helps as I am at that stage again where I feel alone.

Then I became a fan of “Anthony Venn-Brown – A Life of Unlearning” a fabulous read and I am not a reader but loved the story and highly recommend it. Then on Anthony Venn-Brown’s facebook page I saw comments regarding freedom 2 b [e] and nearly went to their Melbourne event but decided not to in the end.

But then I sent a message to Linda and Michelle freedom 2 b [e] in Melbourne which lead me to here to this site. I think this could be what I am looking for and talking to people that know exactly how I feel and what I am going through. I haven’t been to a chapter yet but I am looking forward to finding out about them and attending one.

It feels like I came out of the closet 3 years ago and slammed the door behind me but then I just stood there and didn’t keep on moving…….

I read or heard recently somewhere ‘Our Scars remind us of our past but don’t need to dictate our future.”

Mark.

Hi Mark,

welcome and thanks for sharing that challenging story.

I remember how scar and negative ‘the world’ was as a christian teenager- even now at 50 I don’t think I have seen or experienced much of it. But I do believe that your friend has met Jesus through you.

Keep on moving- this is a good, safe place to share and explore. keep on moving! You are so right about our scars- I just keep moving forward.

Look forward to more interaction with you.

Ian

Hey Mark……welcome. That was a really interesting observation that you slammed the closed door closed but then stayed there and didn’t move on.

I think this happens to many of us from church backgrounds. We know that we dont want to live in fear or shame anymore…..but when we come out we have to redefine oursleves. Unfortunately the images we have received in the church of what it means to be a gay man or lesbian are very negative. And when we come out there are those in the community who tell us this is how we should live as gay people.

My hope and the mission of freedom 2 b[e] is to provide a different space. One that will give people many of the things that we once had in the church….genuine friendships…..support…..sense of community with like minded people…..and also a sense of morality.

thanks for sharing your story…..hope to hear more from you and catch up when I come down to melbourne again for another freedom 2 b[e] meeting.