In the modern world faith and sexuality seem to go together as well as oil and water. I wish it wasn’t this way but hmmm. In my own little dream world there would be no one who is labelled GLBT or straight, no one who is defined by what religion they are. We would all just be people known for ourselves, no them and us, no questioning about what faith we align ourselves with. Why is it that in our societies we are separated by so many boundaries?

This is my story. I grew up in a middle class family, my parents are 10 pound tourists from England who came to Australia with practically nothing. They had 2 girls my sister and I. We lived in a lovely suburb a few hours from Sydney and I had a perfect childhood, my Dad worked 12 hours a day and my mum worked nights so there was always a parent in the house. Then when I got to high school mum got a day job and the daily house duties fell to my sister and I. We were both heavily involved in sport.

It was at this time one of my teachers invited me to her church Christmas service and I gave my life to the Lord. A day I will never forget and so started my Christian walk. God put so many wonderful people in my path, but I was always naïve and insecure and doubted myself as a person. Who was I? Church told me I should follow a certain model and marry a nice Christian man and have a family the only prob was I didn’t know if I was attracted to girls or guys and had a few encounters with both sexes I was really confused and to shy to tell anyone cos it was “so wrong”.

I knew one thing, I really wanted children and that could only be done with a man, so at 24 I married a man who I didn’t really love but fitted into my life at the time and we stared a family straight away. He however had a string of addiction problems and many tears (11 years worth) later we separated and later divorced. It was during my first marriage that my sister “came out” and I watched as my family struggled with her “choices”. So I kept quiet about my own inner struggle.

So at 36 I was single but that desire to have another child gnawed at me again so when I re-connected with an old friend we decided to have one of our own. Much to his very religious parents dismay so now I am in my 2nd marriage with a lovely Christian man and we literally have a truck load of children whom we love to bits. But sexually I cannot give him what he desires because I really struggle to this day with my true sexuality.

I will never leave him because I don’t want to hurt him he is a good man, but how do I deal with my inadequacies? I put myself in this situation and my life is not a bad one it’s only what goes on in the bedroom I have problems with. My husband is a great companion and father. Who knows, if I had been born 50 years in the future thing may have been different, but this is my life with all it’s simplicity and complexity I am mostly content!!!

Hi justme

Welcome to f2b.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

hey just me….thanks for sharing some of your journey with us in this online community.

something I have written here might be of some help.

http://lgbttraining.blogspot.com/p/mom-faqs.html

The situation we find ourselves in was not one of intentional deception. (In some cultures, families and geographical areas this maybe different however, as it is a matter of survival). For most of us though, our marriages were the result of us conforming to a society, who at that time, believed homosexuality was crime, perversion and mental illness. We married thinking that it was the right thing to do and that it would help to change what we perceived was faulty within us. I know this was the case for me. I wanted to do the right thing. Having a wife and family was everyone’s goal. There are also a number of people whose same sex orientation did not become obvious or awakened till after they were married. You, I, and 1000’s of others are the products of an uninformed society. We are at the fault line and our generation is the one caught in the transition.

Had the current knowledge on sexual orientation been available to us growing up, our choices would have been different. If we were born 40 years earlier we wouldn’t have ever considered coming out. If we were in this current generation we would have realized our sexual orientation is natural and normal and wouldn’t have married to help fix it or felt it necessary to conform.

Making a decision about what to do, being gay or lesbian in a heterosexual marriage, can be quite complex. It has many consequences that can include firstly our partner of course but also children, families, employment, business, finances, friends, church, faith. The decisions we make will impact several or all of these.

does this relate?

Thank you people for your messages of welcome. I don’t know at this point where the future will lead me. There are just to many uncertainties if I told those close to me how I really feel. I don’t want to hurt anyone. It was good to read Anthony’s comments because you hit the nail on the head. My mother always says “you made your bed so you lie in it”. I cant see any way to change my situation…. so… I stay…… I have too much to lose. My family will alway be mu number 1 priority.

I was speaking at a bible college in Melbourne recently……and interestingly enough the questions that came at the end were not really about bible verses etc…….most wanted to know how I felt about the promises I’d made and covenant with God in marriage.

I thought it was interesting in that people felt that God what want me to stay in a heterosexual marriage…….me unhappy and living in-authentically….my wife unfulfilled and missing out on what only a heterosexual man could give her……and all because we repeated some vows 16 years previously……totally ignorant of sexual orientation…….living with the false hope and belief that this would change me.

If that is the kind of God they serve then he is cruel, vindictive, lacking compassion and unforgiving.

I believe the decision to leave the marriage has meant that both my wife and I have been able lead happier and more fulfilled lives. My children have been wonderful.

the time has not been without its pain and things to work through but I think I can safely say that we are all better people today for the way we have handled it. I shudder to think how things would have turned out had we been forced to hold on to those vows.

Life is not perfect for any of us…….but its how we handle it that counts.

It’s actually one of the more common responses I get when I discuss my journey on my blog. Some Christians do the whole clobber passage thing, but not as many as used to, but more often now, I am getting questions about why I thought divorce was the best solution. It’s quite strange, actually.

I’ve even asked some of them whether they think that God would expect me to live a lie, or live unhappily to which they only seem to come back with the old “Well, what do you believe the Bible says about sex outside of marriage?” line.

It’s puzzling. I think that if that’s the God they believe in then that God is cruel and unloving too. It leaves me at a loss for how to respond and I usually end the discussion there, since I *would* be married, if I *could* to the woman I love.

:~

It’s actually one of the more common responses I get when I discuss my journey on my blog. Some Christians do the whole clobber passage thing, but not as many as used to, but more often now, I am getting questions about why I thought divorce was the best solution. It’s quite strange, actually.

I’ve even asked some of them whether they think that God would expect me to live a lie, or live unhappily to which they only seem to come back with the old “Well, what do you believe the Bible says about sex outside of marriage?” line.

It’s puzzling. I think that if that’s the God they believe in then that God is cruel and unloving too. It leaves me at a loss for how to respond and I usually end the discussion there, since I *would* be married, if I *could* to the woman I love.

:~

I find it a fascinating mindset.

Of course this mindset has pressured some woman to live in abusive, dysfunctional relationships for years.

Law…..not love…..methinks

I was speaking at a bible college in Melbourne recently……and interestingly enough the questions that came at the end were not really about bible verses etc…….most wanted to know how I felt about the promises I’d made and covenant with God in marriage.

Mark 2:3-28:



” 23One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain. 24The Pharisees said to him, “Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?”

27Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. 28So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”

I think the case you brought up, Mr. Brown, is of people reaching for the letter of the law and not the spirit.

Divorce is still bad news, but living a lie is much more so. You made the best of a bad situation.

Yours in Christ,

Raul

Ann Maree,

I am fairly certain that had I stayed in my marriage, I would be dead by now. Either by suicide or illness. The relationship was toxic, it was slowly draining me of my will to live. I seriously do not believe God wanted me to stay there.

All the advice I had from friends at the time was to get out, that God didn’t condemn anyone to live with abuse or to stay in a situation that was endangering them.

This swing back towards law over grace is worrying in the extreme.

I think we honestly make promises with the awareness that we have at that time and genuinely mean to keep them…..but there comes a time when we have new knowledge or awareness realising that to maintain those few words is unhealthy personally or for all concerned.

To ask people to uphold the promise is cruel.