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Pastor’s Kid, Out and trying to maintain relationship with parents

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Rabid Womble
 
Joined in 2010
January 6, 2010, 9:54 pm

I grew up on the church floor. Literally and figuratively. The literal is my three younger brothers and I all had blue sheepskin rugs to sleep on as we grew up and my first memory is of aisles of people’s feet as they danced.


The figurative is that my parents were pastors (and pioneered 11 churches) in the Christian Outreach Centre movement and I always thought of church as far more of a ‘home’ than anywhere I happened to be living. In fact, the movement was started by my uncle Clarke Taylor (my father is his younger brother) and my parents ran the Brisbane centre for a while (after Clarke’s slew of affairs became public knowledge in the late 1980s/early 1990s). As other writers have testified, COC was not a very ‘accepting’ environment.


Naturally, I intended to go on to become a pastor and eventually attended bible school in Sydney (at CCC). But I never could confirm my sexual nature to what I believed to be ‘right.’ I didn’t act on it until I was 30, but I knew I could be a ‘spiritual leader’ if I was fundamentally immoral as a person.


To come out to myself, let alone anyone else, required travelling to the most isolated city on earth (Perth). Even then, it wasn’t until I realised my heart would fall in love with men (it had happened twice before, even though I only thought of them as friends consciously – and they were completely straight) completely outside of my volitional control. That was the point I could reconcile my homosexuality with my spirituality.


If God was unwilling to change me, and I unable to do it through dint of willpower alone, then clearly He didn’t have that big a problem with it. (The alternative was that God is a perverted sadist who sets us up for lives of misery and despair – which I couldn’t reconcile with my personal experience of God.)


Since then I’ve met the person of my dreams, come out to friends (in WA) and family, and created a life for myself in WA. I’m writing because of two things. The first is that while I am involved (somewhat) with an accepting Church in Perth it is Anglican and very different from what I grew up with. Does anyone know of an accepting Charismatic church?


The second is that I’d be interested in hearing other people’s experiences in developing a relationship with their parents. I want to invite my parents to the reception my partner and I are planning to hold (to celebrate the civil union we signed last year). I am uncertain how to do so in a non confrontational, but still assertive, manner.


I tell myself that their attendance would not matter, but cannot help but want to complete cut off the relationship if they do not attend. After all, if they cannot be present at one of the most important experiences in my life, then when would they ever be present?


My family follow the well established WASP practice of denying uncomfortable realities (which fits in nicely with some Pentecostal teaching!) Any advice on how to handle such a situation would be welcomed.


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man in confusion
 
Joined in 2009
January 6, 2010, 10:15 pm

Hello Rabid; hope you are well doing.Your story is clear and i guess you seem sharp in decisions.Thereby, i love to give a suggestion but you consider it over and over before judging me ( i am like you , having orientation toward males and searching for comfort ) .My suggestion is that you confront your parents if you have not done yet , that you have feelings toward men before you informing them that u intend to get married .Listen to their reaction and be patient.Their reaction will guide you definitely regarding what you intend to do with your partner.Parents are parents. Regarding yourself , talk seriously with your partner and ask god together about your intentions.

I hope you answer me , cos here, we need to know more to understand more and share wisely more.

Your brother in the struggle


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 6, 2010, 10:25 pm

Welcome Rabid Womble!


Wow! Your story is a powerful one. Congratulations on getting to where you are , surviving the journey and meeting the person of your dreams and being courageous enough to move forward with that partership.


In answer to your questions re your parents, I guess we all want parental approval. Dr Phil would say: “Do you want to be right or have a relationship?” So that is a question that comes to mind for your folks. They don’t have to approve but do they want to have an ongoing role in your life anyway? And I guess, they have the right to their views and to the time it will take for them to become better informed. On that last note, the 2 articles I would recommend that you and they might want to read are at http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/20763.htm and http://laughingbird.net/supplementarysubmission.pdf


Hope those are helpful.


I wish you well on your journey and look forward to hearing more from you.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
January 7, 2010, 1:46 am

Hi Rabid:


Welcome to F2b, it’s great to have you. Thank you for having the courage to tell us your story.


I have a personal anecdote about parents but it’s kind of the backwards version of your situation. See, my dad came out what seems like yesterday but its quite a while ago now. To say I wasn’t pleased was like saying the Pope is a little bit Catholic. My dad was furious as he thought we should have had some special bond or understanding both of us being same-sex attracted. We were both ready to call the whole relationship quits.


Luckily, my dad was with a man at the time who had the foresight to say pretty much the same thing that Dr. Phil did. In the end we both agreed to perservere with each other and things have gotten better. I won’t lie, some of the things he says and does still make me feel the need to take a deep breath and count to ten but I’m so greatful that we are plodding through.


I think when you’ve spent so many years and so much emotional engergy coming to terms with homosexuality the idea that the people you love the most won’t accept it or your relationship is deverstating, and rightly so. What we can sometimes forget is all the other stuff that has nothing to do with being gay.


Perhaps there are ways in which you can relate to your parents that won’t bring homosexuality to the forefront and cause a fight? You’re not capable of changing your parents views on homosexuality, only they can do that but there are ways in which a relationship can still be maintained, I believe. It takes work and its not perfect but they are your parents and I’m sure you have common ground with them on some issues or enjoy some of the same activities or topics. Practically, my advice would be to build on these, spend time with them, talk and laugh and have fun–it doesn’t always have to be about you being gay and their not being accepting. The rest will come in time and if it doesn’t that isn’t your fault or your responsibility.


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 7, 2010, 8:10 am

Hi again


Yes good points, Sandy. Building on the common ground you have with parents is a great idea. And we are certainly more than our orientations but sometimes get super focused on that area. If we emphasise it too much we can put pressure on us and well as others who are not yet sure about the topic. And that’s not a good idea.


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Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
January 7, 2010, 10:59 am

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated as things progress.


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Rabid Womble
 
Joined in 2010
January 7, 2010, 8:33 pm

Hiya guys,


First off, thanks for those links – on first glance they seem to be incredibly valuable and I will enjoy reading them thoroughly. Big thanks! However, I hold out no hope that my parents will read them but I sure will.


Secondly, since writing and reading your comments, I’ve tried to think about what I want from my relationship with my parents (in particular, I never want to be the person who vacillates like Sandy’s dad!) Its not their approval (they have not had the subjective experiences that disprove traditional Charismatic thinking about homosexuality like I have). Further, it would be too much to ask them to question and change their world views about what it means ‘to be gay.’ A painful and threatening process for me – and I had every incentive in the world!


What I want, ideally, would be to have their acceptance and to share my life (including my partner) with them. Emotionally I don’t believe that this can happen, and so I want to cut off the relationship completely (an immature reaction on my behalf – but heay its worked thus far in my life!)


Thank you for your advice in terms of just keeping the door open. Its what I needed to hear.


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Rabid Womble
 
Joined in 2010
January 7, 2010, 8:35 pm

Sandy,


My partner has been saying the same thing!


Perhaps they are the same person? (Or just emotionally intelligent!)


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pingtimeout
 
Joined in 2009
January 7, 2010, 10:16 pm

Hi again


Yes good points, Sandy. Building on the common ground you have with parents is a great idea. And we are certainly more than our orientations but sometimes get super focused on that area. If we emphasise it too much we can put pressure on us and well as others who are not yet sure about the topic. And that’s not a good idea.


Too true – I remember when I first came out it was all I could think about for 2 years, then I sort of developed a perspective that I was so much more as a person than who I am interested in sexually/emotionally. It happens to most people at some point I think, especially those who have been repressed for a period of time then get a sudden revelation of how things can be.


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 7, 2010, 10:23 pm

Yes probably a natural extreme before we settle into more of a balance.


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 9, 2010, 4:43 pm

hey Rabid Womble…..have you known about us for long. I think I should pay a visit to WA maybe this year.


thanks for sharing so openly…….I related a lot to your story. but it was the other way round. I had my kids on the lambskin rug on the church floor. I knew your Uncle Clarke before he began COC……when he was a still a stockman chasing brumbies in the NT.


Advice……just two things



  1. Give your parents time……how long did it take for you to reslove your fiath and sexuality. it may take them as long once your disclose.

  2. Dont work some much on the beliefs as the attitude. You and they have lots of examples in the life of Jesus to emulate when relating to people who might not be the same as us.



of course the great thing today is that there are many pentecostal leaders who are changing attitudes….and some even beliefs. Many of us didn’t have that sort of climate when we came out…..we only had rejection.


I’m assuming your are already out to your parents??????


hope to see more of you in our forum.


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hereiam
 
Joined in 2009
January 10, 2010, 3:20 am

my two cents worth…


Do not ever cut off ties with your parents!! they may not agree with your choices but they raised you and still care for you. just because they dont support you in one part of your life doesnt mean they wont be there to support you in others. Like AVB said, it took you 30 years to sort it out yourself, so dont expect them to accept it overnight. if you cut them out of your life I guarantee there will come a point that you will regret it!!!


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iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
January 10, 2010, 10:10 pm

I grew up on the church floor. Literally and figuratively. The literal is my three younger brothers and I all had blue sheepskin rugs to sleep on as we grew up and my first memory is of aisles of people’s feet as they danced.


Hi Rabid,


A belated welcome from myself. Unfortunately my former pente church didn’t allow dancing of any kind whatsoever. It was only recently did I allow myself the luxury of indulging in a little disco dancing ;) I suppose I have to blame years of conditioning that it was “of the world” for my lack of interest in this most entertaining pastime :)


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 11, 2010, 12:10 am

Hi mobileguy


That was one great thing about my church – there were lots of creative outlets encouraged, including thriving ministries in dance and prophetic dance. Every Sun, people were dancing around and running about. It was a regular party! If people could have danced on the ceiling they probably would have! Some of us used to dress in ways to enhance the dancing, with swirling skirts that were easy to move in for instance, or coloured scarves to wave about. It was fun.


Glad you are letting your hair down now. There’s plenty of passages that support dance and movement in the bible too.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 11, 2010, 12:44 am

he’s not a bad dancer either Ann Maree…..I’ve seen him. Considering it used to be a sin……possibly he is a natural.


Glad you are enjoying life mobileguy


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 11, 2010, 2:03 am

Well I do like a guy who can dance!! Thanks for letting me know, avb! hehe :)


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Penny
 
Joined in 2008
January 11, 2010, 9:27 pm

Heya Rabid Womble


Welcome & congratulations on your upcoming ceremony!


I am so glad you have found an inclusive faith community, it makes such a difference to have people who you can worship with & love you for all you are.


I can not imagine how difficult it would be to have to deal with your parents in this way at this time. I do hope it goes well, what ever you decide!


As for a charismatic church that is inclusive, our church is exctly that. But sadly it is in Sydney…

http://www.cravemcc.com.


Peace & blessings to you & your partner!

Penny :)


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gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
January 12, 2010, 7:49 pm

Hello Womble and thanks for sharing your story.


Like you, my parents are also ministers. Unlike you, I’m only 17 and still live with them. My relationship with them is very difficult to explain and also hard for me to talk about because I can’t understand what’s going on. I came out to them two and a half years ago, but it’s hard for me to tell if there’s really been any improvement. I know they are unaccepting, but it’s largely been nothing but stone-cold silence at my house on this topic. When it’s not, it’ll last for a short time, and then revert back to silence, leaving me to wonder whether anything changed for the long-term or not. My theory is they just block it out of their mind, but I have no idea what they do because they very rarely talk about it. The whole situation is highly unresolved and I honestly don’t know if they will ever support me. Sometimes I feel like I make progress with my dad (I never, ever want to talk about my sexuality with my mom ever again) and then after that the progress seems to disappear and then we go back to how things were before. Sometimes I feel like at some point I will cut them off for my own emotional health, sometimes I feel like I should hold on to them because they are still my parents, but I definitely know that I want to be independent as soon as I can so that I no longer have to worry about it. You asked about advice, and really all I can say is, you don’t know what will happen. Maybe you’ll get them to support you, maybe you won’t – but no matter what, you have to know that God is good and he loves you, even if your parents don’t accept you as you are. I don’t know if that’s going to be at all helpful, since I know it’s kind of depressing. All the best and remember that you are not alone in your struggles. :)


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Ann Maree
Chief Moderator
Joined in 2008
January 12, 2010, 9:13 pm

Hi gettingthere


Great to hear from you again. It’s really hard when you live with parents, even when not openly gay but especially when you are and they don’t know how to react. Greater independence in that situation is good and may help take the pressure off both parties. I became a lot closer to my mum when I went O/S. The distance really helped our relationship and she reached out a lot. Sometimes people need the time and space apart to process things.


And you’re right, irrespective of whether a parental response is affirmative or not, God is always loving and ‘for us’, and there are supportive ‘family’ around even if not one’s own blood family.


Happy New Year to you!!


Blessings,


Ann Maree


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Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 12, 2010, 11:01 pm

I’m sure mum and dad are sort of hoping its a phase and you’ll meet a nice girl, fall in love and all their concerns will be over……but when day they’ll realise what an amazing son they have……who just happens to be gay……and they will be proud.


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