I did promise in Iain’s thread to post my story, and I’m not sure if I ever did although I have discussed thing in part all over the place. So here is my humble attempt at sharing my journey thus far.

Who knows why people are homosexual and others are hetrosexual. I guess this statement is a little like, who knows why some are born in developing countries and others in more developed countries. I have come to the conclusion in my studies of literature that we are all equally blessed no matter who we are, where we are born or who we are born to.

I preface with these remarks because I observe that we have all found our walk as homosexual men and women difficult at some point. Some have expreienced every kind of evil, some of us just a few. Ginny Owens, a wonderful Christian artist once said, “It is never the trials in life that make us stronger, it is what we choose to do with those trials that make the difference”. And I have come to agree.

I was born to two great parents, each with their own baggage. Mum is highly strung, Dad is too relaxed and stayed in his ways. God love ‘em. I first remember having a crush on my grade 3 teacher, Mr Dawe and then wondering what Mr Blacky would look like in the nude. I used to have little crushes on friends when all the boys were playing kiss chasey with the girls, and I usually found myself joining in so I didn’t appear different.

I tried to fall in love with girls though my schooling, but to no avail. I did love them, but only from the neck up.

My mother realised that I was interested in performing arts at an early age and before I went to school I was enrolled in ballet and vocal lessons. My first recolection of primary school was being surrounded by a group of grade 6 boys who were calling me fairy, and fag and poofter. I didn’t get it, but realised it wasn’t meant to be a compliment. None of my friends from preschool ‘got it’ either, but understood that it meant, keep away from Phil or you’ll get picked on.

I asked Mum what a ‘poofter’ was one day, and her response was frightenly honest. I would from that day on be frightened that someone would try to put their private parts into my bottom. But that didn’t deter me from wanting to know what other boys looked like in the nude.

I think I was about grade 4 when I saw my first pornographic film, and that confimed how interested I was in the male form. A little early to become so sexually aware perhaps, but I was aware alright. I would look through Mum’s trashy woman’s gossip mags for a glimps of a TV star in speedos or a bare chest, and I’m sure you know what young boys do with images that arouse them.

I knew very early that I was gay but couldn’t tell anyone. I used to dream that one of the men I fantasised about would ask me to do things with him. I don’t know if that is normal, but its how I knew.

I was singled out by guys as being different because I danced and sang, I would have been good at sport, but they never let me play. So I find myself out of the sporting loop and more of a misfit when I made it to Highschool. The new friends I made there soon decided it was better for them to keep their distance too, so I made my ‘girlfriends’ and kept to myself.

It was when I finally had enough of the ridicule and wanted a change that I moved to the Senior Campus in Mildura to finish my Higher school certificate that I finally got a girlfriend. I kissed a few girls uncomfortably and found it hard to pretend to be excited about them. The first girl to offer herself to me, I kindly refused, not the reaction she was bargoning for.

I did become attached to her in the 9 months we were together. We never had sex, and I tried to avoid kissing her. She broke up with me and returned to her boyfriend and I decided to return to smoking drugs up the back of the oval. An escape I found comforting when I made it to Senior college.

Turning 18 brought heavy drinking and lusting after more of my male friends, a heartbreaking and confusing time. I had to break out. Shortly after discovering ‘party’ drugs, I had to move to the city and so headed to Melbourne. I went to Raw – my first Gay dance party, loved it, and that began my downward spiral of drug abuse and partying.

I finally came out to a friend, a very liberating experinece and began to finally kiss boys and not feel bad about it. I hid it from my family as I hid my drug taking and finally met my first boyfriend – who I totally regret.

It was after my close friend was murdered in 1999 that I started to search for spiritual meaning in life, and when I had a miraculous conversion to Christ on the floor of my loungroom, I believed, I had found the answer to all my confusion about who I was, and believed, as I was told, that God could turn you away from your sin.

I will have to do a part II, we have to take the dogs for a walk on the beach – sorry – back soon…

Yeh thanks!!!!!! ? wink I love your openess and frankness so far, very refreshing.

Phil, you could write a novel and easily too, I mean as in youre experiences really resonated with my experience as a Christian and am sure it would with many, you do write well, thankyou for sharing, youve helped me put another piece in my jigsaw puzzle ) .

I completely agree with what you said in that you dont have to become anything to become a Christian, you come as you are and just believe, all Jesus ever said was “come all ” etcc etccc… and yes what God wants changed he is capable of changing and changing when he sees fit to change it, if he wants it changed at all and usually he leads us to that change, not thrusts it on us with guilt trips and devils being present.

I could go on and on about what you have written, not that anyone elses story isnt as important but I just sense that maybe this could be another “life of unlearning” seller if ever you wanted to write a book.

(sorry if I am being frank in saying you could write a book, you strike me as a straight forward person, so I have been too wink )

No worries wink

One thing I have noticed Phil, what may seem ordinary to us because we are or have been amongst it and so got used to it can be quite extraordinary to someone else. Its wonderful when we arent aware of that, we remain humble and what we say comes from the heart as we feel or think it.

Speakers or autobiographic writers (is that a word lol ) that capture the attention of people the most are the ones that speak matter of factly from the heart as it comes to mind , you can have your notes but when God steps in (if we let him) he makes it something wonderful and even life changing because he can bring to mind safely the right words or things to share, with even the right words, to help those that need it. We are all called to do something and no matter how big, open, hidden or un-noticed it may be, it is all significant. We all impact the world immediately around us, even just by being ourselves, that in itself is a calling because it helps those who are afraid to do so see that its ok. Alright enough of my preach LOL wink

I can imagine it must be hard living a dbl life, I did for a while yonks ago but dont be hard on yourself, coming out completely thankfully is a choice and when we are ready we do, no one really has the answer to what to do, all we have is suggestions and experiences to share, whatever you decide is right for you and your situation, will obviosuly be the right thing to do for that time. One day, not too far off, I hope we will all be treated better and with more equality.

Phil,

I just finished reading your story mate. I feel very vulnerable right now; you opened some old wounds of mine through what you wrote.

I guess my relectance to build a real solid bond with my Pastors over the years was caused by seeing a lesbian couple pushed out of the Church (Pentecostal) by the Elders, at the Pastor’s approval.

From then on l went from Church to Church…never really staying long, through fear of being ‘found out’ and shamed in the community. I don’t think l could cope with being excluded from my Church…it would shatter me, cause at times in my life, the only thing l felt l really had that wasn’t ashmaed of me, or hated me, or be discusted by me, was my faith in God. If that had been taken from me…well?? Not that one can’t have a faith that exisits outside a traditional church, but at the time in my journey, l needed the community of church…i really did.

Your bravery in taking the sysytem on serves as motivation for me…you are doing God’s work. Stand tall my friend (if l can call you that!)

Take care.

RS

Rural, of coarse you can call me friend!!!!

It is encouraging, as I said to Magsdee that others find encouragement in our personal stories. I’m partly sorry, and partly hopeful that in opening up a can of worms for you, that you will find a path to stength in that which had caused you some pain in your journey.

One of my favorite musicians, Tori Amos once said that “the only way to combat distruction is to create something”. I truely believe in this principal, and for me, it has been the pattern of God’s work in and around my life. I hope that you can build something for yourself in your spirit that will empower you.

I found that displaced made me angry. It was a deep seeded anger that I couldn’t always put my finger on. I finally feel that having stepped right away from church for a while, not because I am forced to, but by not trying to fit in with a world who is not ready to accept me, I have become stronger and feel I’m nearly ready to walk in with my shoulders back and my head high.

Today, I find solace in people of all different faiths and backgrounds in a way I couldn’t before as an institutionalised Christian. While a ‘church goer’, I only would accept counsil from ‘believers’ because there was a subconscious ideal that they knew the rules of life better. How arrogant of me.

What I’m attempting to share is that I had to let go off guilt because I am forgiven. It was hard to learn that it’s only God’s opinion of me that counts, and to truely develop that untouchable faith (or maybe I mean unwavering). We are not the super sinners, we are just sinners like everyone else.

Thank you for your reply. You sound like you are much stronger today than ever before, keep proclaiming that over yourself.

Hey Anthony,

Thanks for the welcome back, its nice to be back, too.

Who knows about the book. I might need some coaching there one day.

Phil.

Yes, very romantic indeed wink

Thats beautiful Phil D , funny how you just feel and know it when you meet “the”one, it is like lightening striking or for me when I recently met my g/f it was just a feeling like I had finally arrived home after being away for too long. We both felt the same and never had this ever before in our lives. I love her sooo much oops the dag she is lol

Since my last post, and sorry to stop the violins for those who liked the romantic manner in which Michael and I met (at the wedding on the beach). But sadly Michael and I have parted ways. I feel a little vulnerable in writing about it on the forum. And I acknowledge that there are two sides to the story. But I will attempt to share mine, doing justice to a wonderful man, who really did love me deeply, and whom will always have a special place in my heart.

Michael’s mental health was not always well managed. There were many episodes with his Bipolar disorder in the early stages of our relationship that placed a huge strain on me. I know that it hurt him too, and he struggled to feel like he could give to our relationship. He did eventually seek help, but by then, the intimacy of mind, body and spirit had diminished in our relationship to the point where all we were left with was a wonderful and supportive friendship.

I totally loved him and desired for it to be more. We did work hard, and in some ways, maybe not hard enough. But there is no one to blame for the way we have ended.

Michael helped me find confidence in who I am as a person and as a gay man. The Michael I loved did that. Unfortunately there were aspects of his mental health that contradicted what he built up in me. It was not good for either of us to continue. Both of us loving each other, but I really did not know that he was in love with me, even though he assures me now that was/is I’m not sure … kinda… um?

Michael and I finished our relationship this January. My heart tore in two and I didn’t know how I was going to move on in many ways, even though I thought I’d been preparing myself for it for 6 months or so leading up to the break up. Nothing can prepare you for the loss.

But thankfully, I am able to move forward. I am feeling whole again, and a friendship that has been well established for more than a year now has blossomed into an amazing partnership.

I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, who speaks my many languages, and is as much of a hopeless romantic as me. We have a mutual best friend who he completed his final year of school with, and I went to College with in Australia.

He inspires me to be the man I want to be, and he tells me that I do that for him too. We augment each other beautifully. I have to say I have fallen for him hook line and sinker. Since he lives in the United States, we talk, text and email messages all day every day. He is the last voice I hear before I sleep, and the first when I wake up, and even though it’s in the reverse for him, it’s the same. (Time zones – bahhh)

I can’t wait to see how the relationship continues to blossom. Having a long distance relationship at the moment definitely has it’s struggles, but we are a kindred spirit and having had some amazing time together over here recently, where he met my friends and saw where I live, and just fitted perfectly in beside me, I know it is a great decision to move to the US in July to be close.

So things are great for me now. I miss Michael’s friendship, but believe that my new man and I are very well suited and will last. They say when you know, you just know. I am sure, I know.