Hi. My name is Susi. I am a 44 year old Christian Lesbian who is loved by God. Amen. I have just walked out of a dark time (hell) from an evangelical/charismatic church that tried to “change” me. I had prior to that been in a 9 year loving lesbian relationship, with God, however I was misled to believe the “world” instead of God and my then life partner. I thought I heard God ask me to leave my relationship, when in actuality He was asking me to be in relationship with Him, (probably wanting me to leave this church then?) to trust him, love him, know him…but the church told me differently. Needless to say, I lost my job, my home, my relationship, basically my life ( almost committed suicide when He divinely rescued me). My former wife has begun a nearly 2 month relationship now and I could just die at the loss. The church kicked me out (“we release you with our blessing”…glorified candy coated dog crap in my book) Ive lost all my friends, and am pretty alone with just Him. I repented of all my doubts, the confusion, trusting people, and not believing Him, and in a moment I was totally released! His peace, joy and Spirit fully in me, on me and through me! Thank you Jesus! I have little direction, and the feelings of lonliness creep in daily. My ex has let me move back into our home into our daughters room who is away at college, however the increasing pain of hearing her on the phone with her new girlfriend very painful. We have the house for sale, and I keep hearing Him tell me to honor and respect her, Yet the pain so great I can hardly bear it. The story is of course much longer and filled with an incredible journey…I am seeking help, guidance and support.

Here’s a link Susi that can help you find a support group and gay church hopefully close by to your home

http://www.gaychurch.org

They have a list of churches on the site, plus various other helpful information.

Bless you D

first I want to thank you both for your replys, and the speed in which they came. I was in a place of desperate need, and you were there. I have found 2 local pastors who are affirming and counseling with me. I went to their churchs’, but will miss the upbeat contemporary music and hearing the word spoken without all the liturgical mumbo jumbo I had become accostomed to. I will not however miss the judgement and condemnation I felt. I do feel alone as this is a real small town I live, and have lost all my friends either through my walk in darkness of thinking I could only be “saved” if I was “changed”, or now after finding I was saved all along amd that I am loved for who I am. I feel so alone. The deepest pain tho is the rejection from the one person for whom I know was my one, my true, my life mate. She leaves tomorrow to go see her new girlfriend. The pain so great. The sorrow so deep. I never stopped loving her, and am having such a hard time letting go. I know I keep hearing I need to give it to God, and I keep asking Him to help me to give it to Him, and for a few moments there is peace…then the pain sets in again at the loss. I cannot even believe this is happening after all that has happened. Its not like I want to jump right back into the relationship, just be given the chance, and I keep telling her so, but she is throwing it all away…ugh. I wish I could say life does not suck, and deep inside I know it does not, but right now, this SUCKS. I am too flippen old for this crap, yet know He has his hand in it, leading, guiding and it will be good on the other side.

I think i am tired. I am feeling real funky, like I am here but not really. This whole thing seems so surreal. thanks again for your reply. I do journal, I read scripture, and try to surround myself with good people, but have few freinds right now. I desire my strenght. I hate the feelings of anger and bitterness that are creepig in. I am afraid of saying, doing something stupid I will later regret. must sleep….

I did sleep well, and hard. I fell asleep reading and woke at 4am to the light still on and the book still open next to me, so I know I slept without even moving. Joanne got up at 4:30, to get ready to go running, and I happened to catch a glimpse of her walking round bottomless. She is soooooo beautiful. I really fought hard to get it out of my mind, and started praying…I fell back to sleep until 6am. I feel i have some peace today, tho my stomach is in knots. I prayed prayers of helping me to let her go and give her to you. That is my peace. The knots are in knowing I will see her yet this morning, that she is leaveing to go to the arms of another, and I will be alone to fight the feelings, thoughts, and assumptions, calling on Him already 4 times already this morning in just 1 1/2 hours. ugh. This could well be the longest weekend of my life, and possibly the most life altering. I had a vision the other day of 10 clouds black and full pass over me while praying how many more days must I endure this pain? That would be the 16th. must go…horses need hay, guess she forgot and I have a daughter to get to school.

God bless

Sus

I am still on my journey, however am finding more peace and joy. more of His presence. more hope for a future…

My daughters (have 2, one 19 in college and one 15 in high school). I had them in my life of denying my sexuality way back, when gay meant hell or blindness (lol).

I was sooo happy in my life with Joanne, and when we “split” because i fell under the lies of the church (yet again! some one, needed to hit me with a 2×4!!!!) my daughters’ hearts broke as they thought of her (much to my surprise, as they never said) as their “other mother”. Now they are excited about the slight possibility of having their “other mother” again. I am still waiting for her to “come back”.

God has made it perfectly clear, that I am to honor the marriage that he divinely gave us, and blessed us in, so for now, i am waiting patiently, and have to regain trust, as well as tear her away from the world she is now in. please pray. it is so painful.

I heard from one of the members of the church today that “kicked me out”. She said they all love and miss me. She said that she has some tape from a guy who claims to be ex-gay, and that in it he says how it can be defeated if I want to listen to it. I told her that what i am seeing is that it is just a guise to hide from it, the world, and that it never really “goes away”. it is those that scare me….if he is really gay, he is just “hiding”, or he never really was to begin with…i told her i dont know why God made gay people, but that he did and does, and we may never have all the answers. She said the church is praying that i not be led to evil…so sad really…so much hate. so much anger…so much misunderstanding.

I refuse to doubt.

God loves me and i know it, just as i am, where i am, and blessing me in it.

I am still struggling to restore my fallen marriage, and it is very painful. I took her out to dinner tonight, and it was good. I love her and she loves me, however she is so pained from the experience, that forgiveness seems miles away. She says things like, how do you know? nothing is forever. and other unencouraging things, besides becomming enmeshed in another gals life. I pray. I really believe God wants to restore this, however there is so many broken bridges…Please pray that his will be done, and hearts soften, and heal, so that the living part of life can go on.

sus

i just want to thank you for the kind and encouraging words this morning,.

I am really feeling anxious, nervous and doubt filled this morning. I cant seem to shake the agitation. but what you said confirmed some of my thoughts, and gave me a glimmer of hope. I know i need to be patient, yet am in such a balance today. I needed a friend. I have prayed, and some relief, but am overwhelmed by the emotions of the day. I am going to write down your words of encouragement and read them often today. thanks.

sus

today i am trying so hard to find any scrap of something to be thankful for, however have sunk to depression and despair yet again. nothing seems to help. i pray. got prayer. i am seeing a therapist on tuesday but have to drive almost 4 hours to get there. she is a christian lesbian, and the closest one the 2 pastors who sought to find one could find. i have no insurance so it is going to hurt the finances as well as i have not found nor been able to do more than part time work at this time. i so want this cloud of pain and despair to leave me. i am praying for a “partner” (not necessarily a life, or committment, but knowing we dont have to walk some of these paths alone…)to walk along side this task the Lord has asked me to do, however have none. Locally, we are starting a support group for the homosexual community, brought on by my story to the two pastors who have been tossing around the idea for a couple of years, and after seeing me, found a real desperate need. i became the jumper cables to start it i guess. the 2 churches are united methodist and elca lutheran. there are still walls in the larger church within those churches, but the closest totally gay church is an hour away, only at max 30 members, and meets sunday evening at the same time as my job. somehow i would like to connect there. for now tho, the thought of meeting new people causes panic and anxiety in me so intense, i hate being around crowds. i hate this place. i have no family locally, and only 1 true friend, others i tend to have serious trust issues with, and have a hard time reaching out. i am thankful for this place, and to go round and read others stories, and have you respond to mine. i wish it were closer. i wish i could climb out of this pit. i hate it. i want to be on the other side now. moving on. but, here i am. feeling so alone. so afraid. i am getting some comfort just in typing now, but i sure wish and pray for relief.

wow susi it feel as though your grief is overwhelming you. Dont stop allowing yourself this grief. I am thinking of you often. The Jesus i know loves you and grieves with you…. carries you and gives you others to carry you. Be patient, God will give you people to walk with and help to carry you…

I am here in spirit, not physicality to carry you and be a friend…

God i just ask for peace in the knowledge of you, and peace in the knowlege of the future as a positive thing. I pray for Susi’s daughters that they see, understand and respect their mums grief. I pray for Susi’s ex that she would see this grief, respect and understand this grief.

God bring peace, overwhelming peace over every person n this situation. I ask that you speed up the process of outcome in this situation. Give Susi a knowledge of your hand in all things… in Jesus name Amen