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The journey

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4JC

Joined in 2007

May 31, 2010, 6:12 am

Hey some of you know my story.

I’m 28 years love God with all of my hearth. but feel guys more attracted but try to manage it and not living out as a open gay man. Because I still have the idea that God has a straight marriage plan for my life.

Trough circumstances don’t go in detail. I faced rejection in my childhood. I looked different than other people. But that didn’t withhold me to move forward. It can influence relationships but people who know me don’t look to it.

So want to keep it short. I was wondering:

Can hiding or suppressing my gay feelings to others influence me subconsciously?

Does it have an influence on relationships. Like most of the time I feel a distance between myself and people. Will the truth set me free?

Is not being open I tormenting myself?

Ann Maree
Moderator
Joined in 2008

May 31, 2010, 11:31 am

Hi 4JC

By the questions you’re asking, it sounds like you know the answers already.

I’m wondering a few things, like how being closetted has affected you.. What are the benefits and drawbacks for you of remaining in that position? And, do you currently feel tormented?

Generally speaking, hiding things uses up a fair bit of energy that we might otherwise direct to more positive pursuits. That said, the expression of sexuality and coming out are very personal things and sometimes there are good reasons for withholding information or hiding aspects of ourselves. In terms of being more open, timing is important, as is whether you feel safe and comfortable enough. Your own beliefs are also very significant for directing any decisions and actions you take here. So your belief that God has a straight marriage plan for you is worth further exploration. I’m wondering what has brought you to that conclusion? When it comes to suppressing or holding back parts of who we are, we are all different with how this works or not for us. Reflecting more on some of these points might help you know what effect your actions are having and will continue to have in future.

I hope this gives you some food for thought. Discussion with others here might also assist in working out what is best for you.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown

Joined in 2005

June 1, 2010, 1:15 am

hi 4JC…..did you post your story before and you can paste this at the end of it.

4JC

Joined in 2007

June 7, 2010, 4:45 am

Yes I did, thought it was off the forum.

At I don’t know what to do with my life now I find some circumstances extremely difficult in my life. Don’t know what to do because I’m slipping in a depression. Don’t know where to find help. :tired: .Self shame is playing a part in it.

is it selfish do I look to much to my own circumstances that I must be happy because I have a lot because I life in a good country…..

I can’t talk to my leaders about this because for them is it just a sin because they don’t know anything about this.

Do I believe the devil his lies and lies are his language. God tells something different about me. Is that not the most important thing. We are not made to do the journey alone but feel rejected and approached different than other people.

Shall I just confess only positive things or not, put my hope on God?

(my grammatical writing can be a bit weird because never learned gramma but I can write a second language most of you don’t LOL)

IanJ

Joined in 2009

June 7, 2010, 1:57 pm

4JC,

Thank you so much for posting on here- and in a second language too. As native English speakers we are so ignorant of the difficulties that others have with our crazy language- and we never try to learn a second one ourselves.

God loves you

God loves all of you

God loves you just as you are

Where do you live? Maybe someone in our community can point you towards someone who lives in your area who can give you some personal support.

Ian

Ann Maree
Moderator
Joined in 2008

June 8, 2010, 9:41 am

Hi 4JC

I like what Ian said. And well done when english isn’t your first langauage. It must be very difficult.

So is there someone in your community you can talk with confidentially?

Blessings,

Ann Maree

4JC

Joined in 2007

June 9, 2010, 5:05 am

I lived 2 years in Australia but now I go to a AOG church in Europe.

I stil don’t know if I have to take the step to out me but it is something personal and want to tell it to people who I trust. I will not go shout it of the rooftops that I have gay feelings.

4JC

Joined in 2007

June 9, 2010, 5:18 am

I never took grammatical lessons decently only learned by own practice and using the language and spell checker on my computer. Personally I write more out out of feeling like what is going on in my head. Hope it all make sense.

I really have to do my best to find someone to speak to because there is such a said feeling on my spirit/soul/hearth . Even suicide is on my mind. (

:~ :~ :~ :~ :~ :~ :~ :~ :~ :~

I n my church there are gay people but not accepted to come forward. They are more misunderstood and not yet welcomed. Hope the pastor finds more wisdom in it because he told once that he can be attracted to a other women but not think on because he is married. Than he said something like gay people have to do the same because its only a attraction but that he said out of not knowing what feeling gay is. For a small part it can be lust but most of it is a craving to be with a men. It is not that lust that makes me said but that craving for a men.

Because I have a different character I think people stay a bit away. Beside they are encouraged for the person they see but miss friendships and really good mate’s.

kachezva

Joined in 2010

June 9, 2010, 5:30 am

4jC, God loves you, no matter what the Church says and what people say. God is bigger than that. I believe people put God in a box, but He is so much bigger than that! Dont allow for other peoples opinions to narrow your image of God. Spend some time ALONE with GOD and stop asking questions when you do. Just be still in His presence., and feel His love and peace surround you..At the end of the day, God looks at your heart and if your heart is based on love, and God is Love, then you should be right with God… Your relationship with God has nothing to do with anyone else, it is between YOU and HIM. So dont allow other people to confuse your heart. Its simple, you love God and He loves you. You have accepted Jesus Christ as your Saviour. Thats the end of the story. Nothing can seperate you from Him now.

I always believe God created love. God is love. And no person in the world can help WHO they fall in love with, be it a man or a woman. But if what you feel is TRUELLY love, then how can that be evil?

You say you want to tell someone. Do you know of any gay people or gay churches or organisations in your area? Often they have support groups and counselling so that they can assist you with your journey. It does become easier when you meet other people who feel the same way…

Above all, Love God with all Your mind, Body and soul… ANd everything else should flow from there! Dont listen to the World, Listen to the peace that God puts in your heart when you are alone with Him!

God bless you!

IanJ

Joined in 2009

June 9, 2010, 9:15 am

4JC,

thanks for your posts- they make a lot of sense. You are fighting against yourself all the time. I have been on the journey to be true to myself for just 2 years – http://www.freedom2b.org/topic/301 – and I am so much happier than I ever was in my life. the past few weeks I have been understanding how much we deny, how much we hide from ourselves and how we even convince ourselves that we are not hiding!!

Please- you must find a few (or even one!!) trusted people to talk to and share these things.

Please know that God loves you- all of you- just as you are. You are a precious child.

lots of love from this side of the world

Ian

Ann Maree
Moderator
Joined in 2008

June 9, 2010, 10:16 am

Hi 4JC

Which country are you living in? I agree with yourself and Ian that you need to find someone to talk with as soon as possible, preferably in your own language who understands about gay issues. There are gay community phone lines that provide resources and supports for people and also gay-friendly counsellors. You could search for these on the net. You could also ask for someone who speaks your first language to make things easier.

Depending on where you are, and you can message me privately about that if you like, I or one of the others here may be able to give more suggestions to you.

Keep talking to us. We appreciate the great effort you take when English is not your first language. You’re amazing!

Blessings,

Ann Maree

4JC

Joined in 2007

June 10, 2010, 3:54 am

Thank you .

Speaking English was not that a big problem only my accent. lol

Yes I need to speak to someone.

4JC

Joined in 2007

June 15, 2010, 4:28 am

Yesterday i went to church and I went for prayer after the service.I only told I had some emotional problems It helped. Most of the time I’m open what God wants to say to me.

In the evening I went to a friend’s place. We had great conversations over the last mounts but never about my most personal struggle. I told him that I had difficult week with emotions without telling what the real problem was.

In our conversation he said something about gay people that he is a homophobic and he finds it (disgusting) :~ .

He was telling about a other guy who is not outed in church that he thinks is gay because he has some traits.

In some way he struggled with some same sex attraction when he was younger because of abuse. (He can be bi)

For the side: We get along and I have no feelings for him because he is not my type but is just a good friend and I never assumed that he struggled.

So I didn’t outed to him.

Anthony Venn-Brown

Joined in 2005

June 16, 2010, 7:11 pm

funny how people assume someone is gay ‘because the have some traits’………they actually know other gay and lesbian people but dont realise it because they are masculine and feminine respectively……people assume things because of stereotypes.

4JC

Joined in 2007

January 15, 2011, 7:36 am

6 months passed of my last post.

The Last 6 months where very said because my only brother passed away I lost my mother almost 4 years ago. We where not best friends or something but he was my brother. Now after five months I start to realise what it is not to have a older brother. So in this I still grieve and miss him but in all of this God comes with his peace, peace in my heart and mind to comfort me. The biggest thing that break my hearth that he wasn’t a Christian so I don’ know if he is with the Lord. If he knew the Lord Jesus then will I have the assurance he was in heaven and now I have leave it in HIS hands and to His judgement. But we don’t know what happens when a person dies.

I therms of my orientation I know I’m gay and attracted to man and I can’t change it God didn’t change it. I have to accept and be honest to myself that I’m gay or I will not be happy. (when I became a Christian I rejected it and tried to change myself)

I gave up years ago but still for many years I have rejected myself self rejection brings in depression and thoughts of suicide. For the moment I not ready to say that I’m gay to the people of my world. Its possible that the day will come when I update my facebook account that I’m interested in men. But for now I have to communicate it to closer people and to some not. Some know. But in therms of accepting myself I much more closer.

When God allows me I hope that I can build a pure and healthy relationship with a Christian man not build on lust build on love and friendship and trust.

Johnny

JaydWoods

Joined in 2010

January 15, 2011, 7:47 am

Suppressing who you are attracted to is extremely influential on how you feel about yourself and how you treat others. This is why there is such an issue with gays and higher rates of suicide and depression. Gays don’t fall into these things out of being gay, it is out of rejection. If you don’t face rejection with a direct form of response you will find yourself repressing your true feelings as well as lying to yourself and others. And because lying is such a negative in its own it can make you feel directly inadequate about yourself and feeling bad about yourself may project those feelings upon others.

It is extremely tough. But once one has accepted themselves they can begin moving forward.

Ann Maree
Moderator
Joined in 2008

January 15, 2011, 11:27 am

Hi Johnny

I’m very sorry to learn of the passing of your brother. I hear you that it’s still a big loss to work through even though you were not super-close to him.

It sounds like you are moving forward in your journey of accepting yourself and in disclosing your orientation to those closest to you. Good for you! What’s helped you in this process?

Your goal of being in a loving relationship with a Christian man sounds lovely. I wish you well with this.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown

Joined in 2005

January 15, 2011, 12:16 pm

6 months passed of my last post.

The Last 6 months where very said because my only brother passed away I lost my mother almost 4 years ago. We where not best friends or something but he was my brother. Now after five months I start to realise what it is not to have a older brother. So in this I still grieve and miss him but in all of this God comes with his peace, peace in my heart and mind to comfort me. The biggest thing that break my hearth that he wasn’t a Christian so I don’ know if he is with the Lord. If he knew the Lord Jesus then will I have the assurance he was in heaven and now I have leave it in HIS hands and to His judgement. But we don’t know what happens when a person dies.

I therms of my orientation I know I’m gay and attracted to man and I can’t change it God didn’t change it. I have to accept and be honest to myself that I’m gay or I will not be happy. (when I became a Christian I rejected it and tried to change myself)

I gave up years ago but still for many years I have rejected myself self rejection brings in depression and thoughts of suicide. For the moment I not ready to say that I’m gay to the people of my world. Its possible that the day will come when I update my facebook account that I’m interested in men. But for now I have to communicate it to closer people and to some not. Some know. But in therms of accepting myself I much more closer.

When God allows me I hope that I can build a pure and healthy relationship with a Christian man not build on lust build on love and friendship and trust.

Johnny

Hey Johnny….nice to hear from you again…..and I am particularly thrilled to hear of the new space you have come to. Good on you my friend……it has not been an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination…….but you are making progress. …..and I know this is a huge step for you.

Boi70
Moderator
Joined in 2007

January 16, 2011, 3:32 pm

6 months passed of my last post.

The Last 6 months where very said because my only brother passed away I lost my mother almost 4 years ago. We where not best friends or something but he was my brother. Now after five months I start to realise what it is not to have a older brother. So in this I still grieve and miss him but in all of this God comes with his peace, peace in my heart and mind to comfort me. The biggest thing that break my hearth that he wasn’t a Christian so I don’ know if he is with the Lord. If he knew the Lord Jesus then will I have the assurance he was in heaven and now I have leave it in HIS hands and to His judgement. But we don’t know what happens when a person dies.

I therms of my orientation I know I’m gay and attracted to man and I can’t change it God didn’t change it. I have to accept and be honest to myself that I’m gay or I will not be happy. (when I became a Christian I rejected it and tried to change myself)

I gave up years ago but still for many years I have rejected myself self rejection brings in depression and thoughts of suicide. For the moment I not ready to say that I’m gay to the people of my world. Its possible that the day will come when I update my facebook account that I’m interested in men. But for now I have to communicate it to closer people and to some not. Some know. But in therms of accepting myself I much more closer.

When God allows me I hope that I can build a pure and healthy relationship with a Christian man not build on lust build on love and friendship and trust.

Johnny

Hi Johnny,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. I have an older brother, and I know that I would be devastated if he died.

On the other hand, I am so pleased that you have begun to accept yourself and being gay, and that you desire a loving relationship with a man as well. That is amazing progress. It takes a big step – I know, because I have been there too. And telling some close friends is a big step too. It takes courage, especially as we make ourselves vulnerable.

God Bless you Mate!

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