My journey has at long last brought me here. In many ways it has been far too long but for me it’s true that there is a time for everything and now I believe it is my time.

Growing up in the rural conservative Western District of Victoria meant that for me it took a long time to understand why I felt different. I think I new I was different to other boys from about 12 but I had no idea how I was different. As a teenager I was extremely lonely, thinking there was something terribly wrong with me. I was what you call a late bloomer not really reaching puberty until nearly 16. I couldn’t understand why I still looked like a boy when all the others were shaving and looked so grown up. I thought it was something I did or perhaps didn’t do. I only remember all too well that I was jealous of the other boys but at the same time I felt an attraction to them.

I was brought up in the traditions of my mother who was from a very long line of German Lutherans. While my parents weren’t overly strict, I felt strongly about my developing faith. I became involved in youth activities and struggled to come to terms with these ever increasing feelings. I went though an extended period of self-loathing, asking God to take this burden from me. I felt I couldn’t share my disgusting secret with anyone.

Somehow I managed to convince myself it was something I would grow out of if I could find a girl to love. At 23 I married the most wonderful women I’ve ever known. In five years we had three beautiful children. I thought, at last I’ve overcome the trials God set before me.

But of course I was fooling myself. I really had no idea what I had done. I loved my wife and I loved my children. I would do anything to keep them safe. So when I started feeling those same attractions again, I knew I needed to do something. I blamed myself for not having a strong enough faith – I wasn’t doing what God wanted me to do. Eventually after struggling to find what I thought God wanted me to do, and at the time I believed we were called, we joined the Worldwide Church of God just at the time of the death of its founder Herbert W Armstrong – perhaps better known for The Plain Truth magazine and The World Tomorrow tv program.

I thought this was the answer – a stronger faith, dedication to the Church of God, this would ensure my wayward thoughts would be put down. Perhaps it worked for a little while, but as I look back, I doubt it – the turmoil I felt when I realised my faith was still not strong enough was overwhelming. I wanted so much to share the pain with my wife but couldn’t bear the likely consequences.

A few years later when the Worldwide Church of God went through a kind of reformation and many members left or joined breakaway groups, I reached the point of turning my back on God. He hadn’t helped me overcome my problem. I was defeated.

I didn’t know what to do – I was in denial, refusing to accept that I might be gay – after all I was married and I had fathered three children – but the urges and forever telling myself not to look at men was wearing me down. The Internet arrived – I soon learned how to access chat rooms and discovered there were lots of gay men out there. Before this time, I had heard of gay men but I had never known any personally.

It was an enlightening time for me – but I had no idea I was playing with fire. I was soon burnt and of course my wife discovered I was not being completely honest with her. This was devastaing for both of us and within a year our marriage was over. Our children were now teenagers, when they needed me most, I was not able to be there for them. My life was ruined and I had ruined thier lives too. It wasn’t worth going on – so one night I decided to end it……

God had other plans for me.

Needless to say despite the difficult journey that has brought me here, I am now a much stronger person, my faith in God is being restored, I regularly attend church and have come to accept that God has always loved me just the way I am.

I still struggle with coming to terms with such a change in my life but now with the loving support of my grown children and the knowledge that I am still a child of God, I can go on.

hey trebor…..it is so good to have you here with us. Welcome to our community. I hope you feel a part of it.

the wonderful thiing about being here is that all of us understand the journey we must take if we are gay or lesbian and come from church backgrounds. I think you’ve created history…..you are the first person I know of who has come from the World Wide Church of God. Whilst we might have had different theologies……we have had the same experience.

Glad to know you’ve found a church to go to and feel comfortable in .

as you are in Geelong…..had you ever thought of popping in to our monthly freedom 2 b[e] chapter meeting in Melbourne.

Thanks guys for your warm welcome. I really appreciate your kind words and the friendly way each of you have responded to my story.

It’s a real challenge to find the words to share just a brief part of life’s experience. I was trying to piece together the memories that seemed to play a strong part in how I saw myself come to the point where I was able to accept that while I’m different from many other people, I am still a person that God loves.

I’m not sure if it came through, but the challenges I had, particularly in my teenage years and early adulthood, made me think I simply was not good enough for anyone to love – even once I got married – I think I never really understood why my wife would want to be with me. Of course these feelings ran very deep and I never had the nerve to share them. Bluntly put, I was scared of being found out.

In some ways, I still have a lot of self doubt about being worthy of love – it’s probably why I shy away from making close friends in case they find out. Generally today I’m not so worried about it. You can probably guess that I’m not completely out. The people closest to me know I’m gay but most others would not have a clue. If they asked, I would tell them. I just don’t see why I need to shout it to the world.

Unfortunatley I never got to telling my parents or my sister before they died some years ago now. I wonder how they would have reacted? I don’t know if it would have been so important for me, but I’m sure there would have been some comfort if I new they still accepted me – thing is I’m not sure they would have. I now have no close family except my three children (who have known for nearly ten years and are very supportive, particulaly my daughter who in fact has encouraged me, along with a certain facilitator, to join this forum).

I think the big issue I’m facing now is coming to terms with accepting that being a gay Christian (almost sounds like a pun ) is okay with God and how I should respond to the sometimes very strong desires to be with a man again.

Sinced coming back to Church – the Lutheran Church – over two years ago, I have refrained from acting on these feelings. But sometimes they are very strong and all I want is to hold a man in my arms, knowing that he cares for me as much as I care for him. Something inside me tells me that this will happen one day but like it is for everyone, time is ticking by.

We all seem to be searching for something more than we have – and I wonder if it’s just part of the human condition.

I am sure that we all have something special to add to one another’s story, and even though we come from such different backgrounds, it seems clear to me that we share common threads.

I would love to come along to a freedom 2b[e] meeting in Melbourne – just tell me when and I’ll try to get there.

Thanks again guys. [group hugs]

Ann Maree, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. They are appreciated. I can see this is going to be a fantastic experience for me – as it must be for so many who have shared their story, contributed to others and found support and encouragement that is so often lacking in our society and sadly in our Chrisitan communities. I’m sure it’s been said before, I wish something like this forum existed years ago where we might have been able to avoid so much pain and self loathing. Still, as I said in my opening lines, there is a time!!!

I think I’ve read it somewhere else in this forum that those who are still in their teens of twenties are in a fabulous time. Sure it is still not easy for them, however, they now have the opportunity to be encouraged by many who have trodden the path before them.

Over recent years I have avoided trying to make contact with like-minded people – silly really, but I suppose after coming out to my immediate family and all that ensued, and then jumping into the gay scene – well not quite jumping in, but you get my drift, I found it less than satisfying.

I came to the conclusion that being gay was not what I thought and more or less jumped back in the closet. Something was missing from my life – oh dear now that sounds like the words of a seventies song by Marcia Hines . Well, something was missing and it wasn’t until reading Anthony’s book that I realised there was more I needed. After making contact with Anthony, and the wonderful support he gave, I somehow, no doubt with God’s help, found the courage to return to the church of my youth. It truly was a remarkable experience that initially I dreaded. Of course, many other questions needed answering but in time, as indicated above, I came to accept that God does indeed love us all, afterall he created us the way we are.

The hardest thing is learning to accept what so many reject. I think it is a kind of miracle and while the path will not always be easy, it is now possible to endure with the help of God and with those people who have shared experiences.

BTW – this is my first experience of sharing so much about my story and I think I it is liberating.

Oh no! Now I’ve got Marcia stuck in my head!

Trebor, I’m glad that you’re finding the forums a liberating place. I think that’s what is intended.

Heehee.

Well even if you don’t like her music, the message of the lyrics is positive like so many songs from the 70s. Enjoy!!

Well, Marcia is kind of a guilty pleasure for me. I think she is gorgeous and has a beautiful, generous spirit, and her music is kinda cool.

I can remember the year she was crowned Queen of Pop in Melbourne. Now I am showing my age, too!

Yes quite right. There are advantages to getting older afterall!

Ann Maree –

You mentioned returning to your old church.. How’s that been?

It was a challenge returning to the church of my youth – while I knew some of the people still – there were many I didn’t know. I had this idea that they would all be able to tell I was now gay and that they wouldn’t want to know me. Of course I didn’t go in with a label around my neck and I wasn’t at a place to tell people I was only coming if you fully accepted me – I didn’t need that and as it was hard enough for me internally, I wanted to cross one bridge at a time. I’m not sure how it would have been – actually I think I do know – if I went in with guns blazing. But the point for me was that I needed to be in touch with God in a more physical sense. In some ways I’ve arrived at that place.

Not sure if I will ever reach the place where I can publicy announce that “Hey look at me, you’ve welcomed me back into the fold, but guess what, I’m gay.”

Just for clarification – I did not return to the same congregation that I attended growing up, and since I have again moved, I’m now attending a different one again.

Well we all have different ways of having our needs met and as long as you’re feeling positive about the church experience, that’s great.

Freedom 2 b[e] forum and chapter meetings have been a place of healing for so many and the reason we created it. Before this we were all alienated and isolated….left with our questions….afraid to speak to other gay and lesbian people because they just wouldn’t get ‘it’.

this is not about self promotion…..but ‘A Life of Unlearning’ was the catalyst that brought all this together….I became the first point of contact for 1000′s of people who had lived secretly with a sense of shame and failure.

People had been left with unresolved issues of faith and/or sexuality……two very different and distinct issues.