Hey all,
I am so nervous and scared at the moment mixed with a bit of excitement.
I hope to come out to my parents next weekend (29th June) as I feel that this will be the most appropriate time to tell them. I am going away that night to a mates place and I was going to leave them a letter. I feel this is the best option as this gives them time to think and process the information without my pressure and gives them time to think about how they want to answer me and address the topic.
I would prefer to do this is some other way than a letter but with my parents I don't think there is any other way.
Below is my draft letter to my parents. Please tell me what you think and I would love to get any hints or tips surrounding this issue. Also Anthony i have used one of your quotes in my letter "Homosexuality is not a choice but morality is". Hope you don't mind. 
Dear Mum and Dad
You’re probably wondering why I wrote you a letter. Well firstly I wanted to tell you how much I love you as my parents and I am truly blessed to have a mum and Dad that have always been there for me.
You have supported me through everything and given me anything I ever needed. You were strong when I was weak and have raised me to love our amazing, mighty God.
I am not perfect as you know. I’ve made mistakes, been hard to handle and been a bit too much sometimes.Writing this letter is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Because I love you and the thought that this could hurt you is enough to almost not say anything. You mean the world to me. But I know that I’ve needed to tell you this for a while. Here goes...I am gay.
There are probably many things going through your head during this moment. Perhaps you are sad, disappointed, shocked, worried, or confused. It is natural to not know what to do or to think. I know that there's a lot of theories that parents have something to do with their son being gay; I want to tell you both that none of it is true (both scientifically and psychologically) and to not accept it. As far as I know I was born gay.
This isn’t easy for you. Not many parents have to go through this and I am sorry that you have to. I’ve had my whole life to come to terms with it and it has still been extremely difficult. If you need to take some time to deal with it that is alright and I completely understand that. I love you both and will give you all the time you need. I hope that your journey to acceptance and love of your gay son doesn't take as many years as it has for him.
I am still the same person today as I was yesterday. I haven’t changed except I am finally being honest with you. I am gay and I am alright about it for once in my life. Over the past few months through my depression I have struggled with accepting myself but I have come to accept me for who I am. I know that God still loves me and my relationship with Him will never change. Jesus is still my Saviour and while I probably have more questions than answers I just have to have faith in His saving grace.
This has been so difficult for me and when you know you’re gay and you are a Christian it almost seems like they are two worlds in conflict. But there are others, Gay Christians that is. I believe the church as a whole is changing, motivated by the love and compassion of Jesus Christ and with the knowledge that gay people can still live a life devoted to God. Homosexuality is not a choice but morality is.Being gay doesn’t mean that I have to be promiscuous or that I have to change the way I act. There are so many gay people out there that are humble, loving, caring, honest and understanding. I am myself and I will still carry on the same way and just in case you were wondering I do not have a boyfriend or anything like that.
Most nights growing up I cried myself to sleep, desperately praying for God to change me. I hated myself and didn’t think that being gay was part of God’s plan. I constantly lied to myself and to others pretending to be straight. I would continually put on a facade as if everything was ok but underneath it wasn’t. I don’t know if there is anything harder than trying to deal with your sexuality in a church and a society that condemns and devalues you.
For all my life I’ve been praying for God to take the gay away but He would not make me straight or ‘cure’ me. He seems so present in so many circumstances but it’s almost like he just leaves me alone to deal with my sexuality. I have studied the bible many times and have probably come to take a more liberal approach than before but my faith stands strong if not stronger because of this. I have a deeper connection with God and a greater understanding of human frailty and potential and what it means to love unconditionally.
I’d love to tell you that this is just a phase or that I can change but sadly that’s not the case. I’ve been gay for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I just know that I am. Who knows why some people are born in developing countries and some are born to wealthy families; who knows why some people are straight and some are gay. There are no definite answers to these complicated questions but we have to believe that God’s plan is bigger than just what we see and hear.
I’ve read almost every single book I could find on changing the homosexual as I was desperate to be ‘normal’ and believed that change was what Jesus wanted of me. I have been through what the church call ex-gay programs to make you straight but they don’t work. After several attempts to try and ‘cure’ me it didn’t work. The success rate of these programs is something like 13% and even for those that claim to have changed, many are just denying and suppressing their true feelings. Personally, it made me depressed to the point where I almost took my life. I hated myself and constantly believed that I was a mistake or problem and started cutting myself just to feel anything. I kept who I was a secret, covered under shame, guilt and loneliness for most of my life. I was told I was an abomination and that is what I believed. I tried to change but could not and in my eyes that made me a failure with a one way ticket to hell. I had no self value, confidence or peace. Recently with a lot of medication, regular psychology sessions and heaps of prayer I have come to the knowledge that this can’t be what God requires of me. The heart of Jesus Christ cries out for love, freedom, truth and justice. Surely he doesn’t want me hating myself and wanting to die. There had to be something else to this. His word only says 6 debatable verses condemning homosexual sexual relations. The bible never condemns homosexual orientation nor says anything about trying to change homosexuals into heterosexuals but it does say:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Cor 12:9Maybe I can be a light in the gay community, perhaps which part of God’s plan for my life is. I want to be a part of bringing hope and justice to those that were in the same situation as me. Recent statistics have come out showing that one of the highest rates of suicide occurs by young gay men and women. Many are not told the truth nor given real answers. The term homosexual wasn’t even put into the bible until 1948. And nowhere in the bible does it say that you must change or that because you are gay you are a mistake. I can’t just stand still knowing what I know, what I have learnt and what I believe. I will be part of the difference and the hope that many in the church need today.
I don’t expect to ever have children or a family and that knowledge is once more a hard thing to face. But I cannot continue living a lie nor could I ever bear to put a woman through a false sense of love and marriage.
These next few weeks and months will be difficult but I will not back down. God is by my side standing with me for truth and justice, walking each and every step with me. Teaching me new things, blessing me with compassion and helping me unlearn many old, unhelpful attitudes and beliefs. Jesus is my guide, my strength, my rock. The God that I had once blamed for all of this has always been my liberator and my refuge. I just took longer to see Him for who He really is.I would love you to support me in this even though it’s hard. You don’t have to agree with me but I would really appreciate your love and support. I don’t know where you stand on this complicated issue and the choice is completely up to you. I would love for you to ask questions and I’m sure that by now you have heaps of them. I will be more than happy to answer any of your questions or concerns and I would love your advice. Again I would love for you to take all the time you need. This will be difficult for you and you both may need some time to reflect on it, ask questions and get support. If there’s anything I can do to help you deal with this then I would be happy to.
I love you so much and I hope you love me too. It is ok to find this hard, I probably would too if I was in your situation. But I want you to know that no matter what, I am still your son and I still absolutely love and respect you.
Lots of love,
I’ll see you when I get home tomorrow.
BenPs.
Hopefully you are both reading this together and if so now might be a good time to give each other a hug. I’m sure you need it.
Sorry. It is pretty heavy stuff at times but let me know what you think.
Thanks heaps,
Have the best weekend!!!
You are brave Ben.
I've been there and it takes alot of guts to be honest with your parents.
Know that however they respond you have love and support here with your new freedom2b(e) family.
Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes as you're able.
what an absolutely amazing letter Ben. You should be very proud of the way you have communicated.....as you say is an extremely difficult conversation to have with parents.
I really do wish that we were a little further along in discussions with Hillsong so that there was a pastor I could recommend that would support your parents appropriately. Do you want me to see what i can do?
A suggestion I'd make would be to mention all the reading you've done so that you are well informed now about sexual orientation and your situation as a Christian.
Also that you've found that there is also lots of support for parents if they at any time would like to talk.
If you think that I could help in some way then just let me know. But as Orfeo mentioned........the best would be some understanding person from their own congregation who they respect.
Ben, that is a fantastic letter bud.
Hope all goes well with your folks.
I trust you have some supportive people around you regardless of how your parents react.
All the best champ.
for those who are not aware of this great resouse for parents.....here is the link http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/ Let me know if you need to contact a particular person.
What is PFLAG ?
PFLAG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. We are a non-profit voluntary organisation whose members have a common goal of keeping families together. PFLAG is here to give help, support and information to families, friends of all gay people.
Who are we?
We are the parents and friends of gay and lesbian people who are a part of our community. Some of our families may be large, some small. Some of us are married, some divorced, some single. Our occupations are a varied as our personalities and educational levels. HOWEVER. We do have a common bond. Someone we love and care for is lesbian or gay.
Where are we?
There are various PFLAG groups around Australia in QLD, WA, SA, TAS, VIC, and NSW. Please click on the "Locations" link to the left to view a current list.
Why does PFLAG exist?
In Australia today, there are many parents with homosexual children. These children, and often their families are victims of social, political and economic prejudice. Gay persons in many communities are affected by discrimination in theirpursuit of happiness and in striving to live their lives with openness and dignity. Homosexuals are not the only ones touched by this discrimination. It also touches their friends and families. We as parents, families and friends of lesbians and gays wish to join together to appeal to the public conscience. We want to achieve the same rights and opportunities for our gay sons and lesbian daughters as are enjoyed by other Australians. As proud parents of gay people, our lives have been enriched by reaching an understanding and acceptance of our gay children and embracing their diversity. It is our goal to bring this understanding and acceptance of diversity to the community.
What do we do?
We have a number of activities aimed at supporting our members. We:
* Hold monthly support meetings where we discuss member issues and concerns. Sometimes we have guest speakers who are professionals in their field to discuss topics of interest to the members.
* Provide a safe, friendly place where participants can talk freely and openly. All our meetings are confidential to the participants.
* Maintain a library of books, videos, pamphlets, and articles to help educate parents and others on issues of homosexuality.
* Publish a monthly newsletter and provide an information telephone line. Provide speakers to interested organisations for discussion panels as and when requested.
We strictly respect and are sensitive to the confidentiality of all participants.
Hi Ben. My mother and father go to Hillsong and have had to go through the parent journey. They are good friends with a few of the pastors as well. I could give you there details for support if you would like.
They have gone from a place of anger and distress to their place of acceptance... PM if you want there details etc.
Hi Frogger!
Great to see you again it feels like forever! How have you been?
Hey,
Thank you again for the warm support, encouragement and helpful tips and guidance on this issue. I appreciate it and I honestly don't know what I would do without you all. THANK YOU!!!
This will be hard and I just hope and pray that God guides my way. Without Him this could end very badly. I would go so far as to say my Dad hates gays. But my Mum I hope will be a bit more supportive. I'm just really scared at the moment you know.
I really do wish that we were a little further along in discussions with Hillsong so that there was a pastor I could recommend that would support your parents appropriately. Do you want me to see what i can do?
Thanks Anthony and Frogger for the offer but in my previous talks about this with Hillsong pastors, either they try to shove me in another ex-gay program or like some pastors have, they just pray for me and then ignore it. My connect leader just prayed for me and told me...."Well Sy Rogers did it". He's said nothing since. Aargh!!!! 
I like others are stating to see a change in Hillsong but unfortunately many pastors and leaders are unwilling to actually help me out. I am scared to think what they will tell my parents. :?
But thank you for your support. I will definately mention PFLAG to them and maybe they could even come to a session with my psychologist. He is from Hillsong and seems like a great guy. I'm sure he could support them.
I've written a list of info and support sources for them:
ALSO - If you need support or advice:
- Ring Friend's parents ******* for advice or support
- Uncle **** could probably help
- Ring Hillsong if you feel you need to.
- My Psychologist (*****) at the Hillsong ******** – (ph:*******)
- PFLAG
- Gay Christian 101 is a website that explains the theological side www.gaychristian101.com
- www.exgaywatch.com
(Info on Ex-gay programs, reparative therapy and the dangers of entering these programs)
- www.freedom2be.com.au (Australian Pentecostal GLBT Christian support website)
And I was also gonna buy them a copy of your book Anthony. 
. My mum loves a good read!
Also would it be possible for my parents to maybe email you with any questions or anything like that. Most likely it won't happen but is that possible?
Yep.......I think we are possibly doing a dam fine job of support here Ben.......I'm very proud of everyone.
its such a shame there is no consistency amongst the leaders at hillsong...that is what i'd be pushing for........especially that they would be wise enough to know that their words could potentially contribute to a suicide.
My connect leader is very respectful of me....as I am of his.
if i can be of any help in any way....then let me know.
please print this out first before you give my book to your parents to read.
http://gayambassador.blogspot.com/2008/06/introduction-for-heterosexual-...
its meant to prepare them for some of the content.
Looks like it might be time for me to put my article about Sy on the net.
Ben that is a wonderful honest letter and very very well written and thought out and I ditto on having support for both you and your parents available.
Thanks Anthony and Frogger for the offer but in my previous talks about this with Hillsong pastors, either they try to shove me in another ex-gay program or like some pastors have, they just pray for me and then ignore it. My connect leader just prayed for me and told me...."Well Sy Rogers did it". He's said nothing since. Aargh!!!!
Thats annoying yes but Sy was wanting a sex change and felt he was a woman really in the wrong body (he also had a very very shattered childhood and his perception couldve been distorted and not suprisingly so), very different to a gay man who loves being a man wanting to be with men, Sy was not homosexual as far as I can see with these things in mind(so can hardly be used as a homosexual model for change), people still need to be educated in that arena(re:transsexuals) as far as I can see(in my opinion).
Ben, I am so proud of you and the maturity that you have shown in the letter to your parents. Its tough coming out parents, but if your paretns really love you, they will understand.
I am a hetro parent and if a child of mine came out and said they were gay, yes I would be dsappointed as I would know that it is a hard road to travel and no grandchildren, but they would still be my child whom I love.
God Bless
Shirlmo
Hey all, yes I have been busy sorting out my family, and other things... I am okay. Super crazy busy with work, family and life in general.
Ben, I'm sure my parents could lead you to a supportive pastor, maybe not with the same values as you, but supportive all the same. They found pastors who were supportive to them in their time of dealing with my sexuality, my relationship and then my partner and I having kids...
Ben, what a beautiful and heartfelt letter as many have said. I am so proud of you taking that step for yourself and standing by your convictions. Ground yourself in God's love and His words. Keep reminding yourself of God's unconditional love no matter what happens and how things dont go to plan, God is working behind the scene and in front.
Also remember that we will be praying for you and your family. I think most of up will also be up all night thinking/praying about you and your family.
When you leave the letter, pray over it and put it in God's hand. Knowing that God is in control. Love you bro! I think its pretty clear that your freedom to be you gang are 100% behind you and your mum and dad.
hugs
Well done Ben!
I am so proud of you to have written such a positive and confident letter to your parents ...filled with genuine love and integrity!
We'll all be thinking about you this weekend.
iain
Hi Ben....I sent you an email with some instructions. could you please confirm that you received it.
thanks.
Wow Ben, I so should not have read that at school why my kids are working on the computers. Man alive, I am moved, torn, inspired and a whole range of emotions right now. It's all a little too close to home, but such a huge step.
God Bless and good luck,
Phil
Hi Ben,
what a wonderful, well written and heartfelt letter. My situation is a little different to yours in that I'm a Christian parent who had to come out to adult children. One of my children is a penecostal Christian and has found it both difficult to accept my choice and understand how I could even have made it. I hope one day to be able to have an honest conversation with her and I would love to be able to show her your letter as it explains the situation in such a loving and clear way. Hope all goes well this weekend. Your parents have a son who can they can be justly proud of.
encouraging words from the other side of the fence cowshoes.....thanks
Hi Ben
Your letter is powerful and from the heart!
You have received some fantastic godly insight that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Your words cast me back to my own letter to my mother. God has always been interested in the state of our hearts, not the level of our piety or church devotion, but our hearts. You have a good heart Ben and God will honour that with grace and love. Your journey through the darkness (depression) is all but complete and the light is enveloping you (the love of God and your friends and supportive colleagues).
I look forward to hearing from you after this weekend.
You will never be alone again and you will THRIVE!
God bless Ben,
Andrew
Hey Ben,
after meeting you on Saturday, i am in awe of your integrity and commitment to live an authentic life before God and the people in your life.
Hope it all goes well...
Praying God's peace invades your heart in the midst of the chaos.
Pen
OK...
So last night I came out to my parents. I could have never expected the response I got from them.
I was expecting the worst. I honestly thought my parents would be so upset, angry, dissapointed and confused. I believed that my parents would not accept me and thought that they may have even thrown me out of home.
I could not have been so wrong....
I got home from the city after leaving them my letter. I struggled to make it from the car in the driveway to the front door of the house. I was so nervous and scared of what could happen.
Finally I made it inside only to be greeted by my Mum at first who looked a little shocked but she hugged me and told me that she loves me very much. She told me that she understands and accepts me for who I am and the only thing that matters to her is if I am happy and I love God. She told me that she was upset that I went through the ex-gay programs and wished that I told her earlier. But overall she was so great. My mum really showed me the love of Christ. An unconditional love that looks past circumstance and covers you with grace and acceptance.
My Dad, I was even more surprised with......He seemed to be really proud of me and told me that this doesn't change who I am and the love he has for me. He apologised for all of the homophobic comments and judgements in the past and told me that If I am gay then maybe he has been much too quick to judge GLBT people in the past. He was honestly proud of me. I think it meant a lot to him that I was loving God despite all of my past hardships. Me and my Dad have never really been close but now I think that will change. Last night me and my Dad really bonded like never before. My Dad even told me that he knew a few nights ago that I was gay. He said that "It's almost like God told me...Ben is still your son. You should love and accept him for who he is".
Once again I am so humbled by God's power, grace and mercy. Prayer and love had so much to do with the fact that this turned out so well. I think in so many ways that I underestimated my parent's love for me. The fact that I was happy and loved God was all that matters. It was amazing.
REALLY HAPPY NOW!!!!!
Thank you Freedom 2 b[e] and all you beautiful and wonderful people. Without you and all your help and support this could've turned out badly. But instead I got the best outcome I could have ever hoped for. I am now living an true and authentic life before God and others and I am happy in myself.
Sure times ahead will be hard but God is always walking with me. He will never let me go.
dude...... WOW!!!! You are so blessed, so bloody lucky...
You parents must really respect who you are. You should be proud...
Congratulations Ben!
I am so happy for you and proud of you taking this important (first of many!!) steps! Well done!
Now you can talk to your parents about the most deep or trivial of things and, you know what, ...there's NO FEAR. It's gone.
No fear ...of rejection.
No fear ...of the unknown.
No fear ...of the 'what if'?
As Bishop Spong says ...walk in the victory!
iain
ps ...or as some of us like to do ...dance in the victory! lol!
BENNY!!
Mate, you just made my day. That is SO wonderful. Especially your Dad apologising for comments he's made.
See, they know YOU as a person, not as some abstract gay stereotype.
And they love YOU.
That is just AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Soooo happy for you Ben God has big plans for you dude 
You have so ministered already..........Thankyou
Hey Ben, fantastic!!! How wonderful to read your post and to hear how well it went for you and your parents. It brought tears to my eyes. We all desire to be our authentic selves and for those we love to know who we really are. Thankfully your parents reaction was so immediately loving and accepting.
Your letter had such a wow factor that it blew me away. And now the response from you mum and dad... it didn't blow me away... it knocked me over! Fantastic. Sigh... our God is an Awesome God. I've got tears - tears of joy. I think all of us were shaking for you and that lead us individually to keep you in our thoughts constantly and pleading for the best outcome. What an outcome was that... that totally means that God is alive and kicking!
Am just so awed at the fact that things surpasses our understanding and there was God waiting for you to come through the front door ... you are home now and that's your place. Before you didn't feel you belonged... that's real confirmation that you belong without any conditions.
Fabulous! I am just so relieved and so excited for you! This has put a smile on my face for the days, weeks and months ahead of me. Thanks for being a light and joy to all of us... I'm just so thrilled that you were able to share this with us. Such a positive outcome.
Love and hugs!
Craig.
ditto to all the words above Ben......and thanks for making half the group cry at our F2B meeting on Friday night while you shared your story
I can see you being a wonderful little ambassador for other gay guys and young lesbians at Hillsong.......and of course your wonderful parents who have modeled for others the perfect response when thier children pluck up the courage to come out to them.
these are the things I've dreamed of since starting F2B three years ago.
your courage and the outcome of your coming out has inspired more people than you will ever know.
you rock!
Go Benny!
Awesome result ... you must have some amazing parents.
My name is Jeffrey and I live in Ohio (US).
I realized I was gay when I was 14, but not totally convinced that I was born gay...
I wrote a letter to my "mum" when I was living in Cleveland, and working with being an alcoholic. (Dad died an alcoholic smoker. Brain tumor.)
She said that "she would love me no matter what" and tried to understand as best as she could. I think I took her to a PFLAG meeting, but she was VERY Baptist in her beliefs. She was trying to deal with the death of her husband, and here I am moving in with her, telling her that I'm gay, AND, having a diagnosed mental illness on top of that (bi-polar disorder), she had her hands full. So she became the secretary for our "manic-depressive/depressive support group."
She later passed away of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 
YOUR letter is SO well-written and God-centric that they will do the best as they can to understand. Muchos kudos to you.
Jeff(rey)
P.S. Due to my depression (the phase lasted until this afternoon), I haven't kept up on my e-mails, so I'm NOW just getting around to replying.
Wow. Awesome stuff, Ben.
Seriously.
I personally think it's really valuable that you've put something in there about the depression and misery, because as parents I'm sure that your Mum and Dad genuinely want their son to be happy. This is one of the things my Mum picked up on immediately - she understood that struggling with my sexuality had been a factor in my depression (and general unhappiness before I was ever formally diagnosed).
I don't think I can really comment/advise beyond that, because this is just such a personal thing. You know better than any of us do what your parents are like and how they might feel about things (although believe me when I say, you don't know them perfectly and they could still surprise you!).
The only other thing I'll say is, if there's anyone who could 'be there' for them AND for you, that would be great. I know it might not be possible. I was incredibly blessed when I came out to have a minister who was able to stand alongside both me and my Mum, who goes to the same church. He talked to her after my 'coming out'... and even lent her some reading material, which I think right now she's minded to quote back at the NEW minsiter whose views are less sympathetic, lol!
But yes, encourage them to talk about it. To you, to each other, to others they trust. As you'd well know, it's a lot better than keeping guilt and shame inside.
Wish I could be there for YOU in person, but will just have to settle with being there in spirit and electronically.
- Trevor
Sen. Wilkinson "Toby, do you believe the Bible to be literally true?"
Toby Ziegler "Yes, sir. But I don't think either of us is smart enough to understand it."