I was raised Exclusive Brethren. The Exclusive Brethren are an extreme Christian sect that forbid radio, television, theatres, and eating, drinking, or socialising with anyone who is not a member of the church. I was a seventh generation member of the church, so the rigid control never seemed odd growing up as a child. We accepted that our family, our friends, our social life, our education, our employment, (and everything else you can think of), were under the control of the church, and so long as the rules were followed, it was a bearably conformist lifestyle.
I always knew that I was different, but it wasn’t until I was a young teenager that things began to make sense, and I realised that I was gay. The thought terrified me, and I rejected it for several years, not wanting to even think about how the church would react. I was educated at a church school, moving from there into the family business, so was never exposed to people I was able to talk to about it.
I accepted Jesus as my Saviour at the age of 18, (August 2007), after several years of mental torment. The first thing I did was “confess” everything to the priests, including that I was gay. They didn’t know how to react, and encouraged me to fight against my feelings. Four months later I was scheduled to meet the international leaders of the church, and was grilled as to my homosexual feelings. I was told that it was “constitutional”, and that I had to hope that one day God would have the grace to change me. In the meantime, I was told , I had a strong mind so just had to deal with it. It was too much to deal with, and a week later I packed a bag and ran off. I hadn’t planned anything, and the church found me several days later 600kms from home and persuaded me to return to the church. A month later I was sent to live in Sydney under the wing of the international leader of the church, where I was once again grilled as to my being gay. The leader of the church referred me to a doctor within the church, and this doctor prescribed me Cyprostat. Cyprostat is a hormonal suppressant, and is designed to reduce sexual feelings, typically in registered sex offenders. The logic was that if gay feelings couldn’t be changed, then removing sexual feelings altogether was the next best thing.
I was in Sydney for several months, and was eventually sent home with stern warnings that if I ever followed my “natural tendencies”, the only people I would ever get on with would be “wicked people”. I held out for another four months before being sent back to Australia in August 2008. On my return to NZ, I accepted in myself that remaining in the Exclusive Brethren was never going to work. I spent the next few months thinking about my decision, and tentatively making plans for leaving.
In March 2009 I informed the priests that I intended to leave the church, that I was not ashamed of being gay, and that I was no longer interested in following their policies. At this stage I had made very little contact with anyone outside of the church, so had no idea how general society worked!
The priests were alarmed, and word went out that I was in a bad state. For the next few months I had members of the church contacting me every day (calling, writing, visiting, even knocking on my bedroom door), trying to persuade me to change my mind. I began to tell people that I was gay, and the reactions were those of embarrassed confusion. The crunch point came when I came out to my six younger siblings – within a few hours my parents had removed them from the family home and sent them to live with other church members, and I was informed that the priests wished to speak to me immediately.
I knew I was staring down the barrel of excommunication, and spent that entire Saturday afternoon visiting family and friends saying goodbye. The worst day of my life. I turned up on my Grandma’s doorstep to say goodbye, only to find that she had been warned in advance not to let me in. She stood on her doorstep crying for half an hour, saying that she couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. This pattern repeated itself again and again – uncles and aunties, old friends, cousins... Words can’t describe the feeling of emptiness I had at the end of that day.
The priests began the excommunication process within a few days, and all church members were forbidden to contact me. I began networking outside of the church, and tentatively making new friends. My parents informed me that I was no longer welcome in their house, and left all my possessions in a storage unit for me to collect. (I was away at the time). All locks were changed, and they now refuse to let me across the threshold of the house. Dad has asked me not to contact them, and when I knocked on the door to say goodbye, was told to “go away, so we can get on with our lives”. I have been told that I am “evil” and “contaminated”, and that I am heading for hell.
I am prepared for the reality that I may never see my parents or siblings again – church rules forbid them from contacting me. The silver lining to the cloud is that I am now starting to meet family members that are already outside of the Exclusive Brethren. People like my Grandpa, who was thrown out of the church when my Mum was 13 – I’m the first of his children/grandchildren he’s seen for 28 years. He joined with me when I told my story publicly – for those of you interested in watching the TV documentary, it can be found here: http://www.tv3.co.nz/60-Minutes---Exclusive/tabid/905/articleID/62283/ca.... A fuller version of the story can also be found at http://www.gaynz.com/articles/publish/36/article_8207.php.
Hey Craig.... welcome........and .thanks so much for posting your story.....it is sad but also inspiring. We are the blessed ones to have found freedom from the misguided concepts and rules of others.
Whilst many here have not experienced being a part of cult......I guess we can relate to times we have been in churches that have had cultic elements to them. I often say that culture of itself is good......companies have cultures....countries have cultures.....families have cultural traits.......but when that culture is taken to far and to the extreme it becomes cultic .....a bondage and oppressive.......would you agree with that.?????
hope you enjoy our space here.
Hi Craig,
Wow!! I just want to say that you are amazing! I so admire you and can only imagine how difficult it would have been to make new connections outside of the only place you'd known all your life.
I hope you know you are not evil - in fact, far from it. And the real miracle is that you got out. God didn't create us so we could be untrue to ourselves. Your only 'crime' is that of honesty, in wanting to fully be yourself and live the way you were meant to. I think we are all given the opportunity for abundant life and it is each of our responsibilities to make our own free choices around that and then deal with the consequences, good and bad. It's not a sign of a mature person/society if we have others doing all of that for us. And yet, I can see that your church really believe they are doing the right thing, and so I feel sad for them. With no outside accountability, it would be very difficult for them to know that what they are doing is damaging rather than supportive and protective.
I'm so glad you have your grandfather's support. Please also know also that there is lots of support here at f2b.
All the best to you. I'm sure many will be deeply touched by your story.
Blessings,
Ann Maree
BTW I couldn't access the 60 mins link but was able to read the full story in the NZ press link. Thank you for posting that too.
Hi Craig,
Welcome to Freedom2b[e]. I've heard different stories about the Exclusive Brethren and the way they operate and it saddens me that they treated you this way. It's unfortunate some churches feel to need to exercise a high degree of control over their flock. I personally experienced the results of this myself when I was going to a pente church.
Hope to hear more of your journey on the forum.
Hey Craig.
You made it on here! Good on ya bro. Hope to hear more from you as you come from such dark places beyond what a lot of us could ever understand.
Keep sharing.
Shane
Craig,
Thanks for telling us this story- it is amazing that you are still in one piece! Testimony to the God who preserves us. I hope we can meet some time.
I've known what it is like to be without a family and a church- but life moves on and things change, and get better!
Ian
try this link - worked for me.
http://www.tv3.co.nz/60-Minutes---Exclusive/tabid/905/articleID/62283/cat/674/Default.aspx
Hey Craig.
You made it on here! Good on ya bro. Hope to hear more from you as you come from such dark places beyond what a lot of us could ever understand.
Keep sharing.
Shane
love your new avatar shane....very cool
Hi Craig
What struck me as I was reading your story was your grace in the face of exile and your willingness to see the gift in what could only have been, a heart breaking experience for you. I hope that you continue to find a network of supportive friends while growing in a new wonder at who you can be outside of the tight restraints that have been placed on you in the past.
May peace always be with you
Whilst many here have not experienced being a part of cult......I guess we can relate to times we have been in churches that have had cultic elements to them. I often say that culture of itself is good......companies have cultures....countries have cultures.....families have cultural traits.......but when that culture is taken to far and to the extreme it becomes cultic .....a bondage and oppressive.......would you agree with that?????
Hi Anthony!
Yes, I think you're right. Sometimes, though, it can be quite a subtle shift from "culture" to "cultic", and it can take a while before people realise it has taken place. I was wondering about it the other day, and came to the conclusion that the change takes place when the leadership within a "culture" begins to forbid members to deviate from or question the core foundations of that group. When this element of control is introduced, it starts to become "cultic". The Exclusive Brethren, for example, use catchphrases like "if you don't understand it, don't question it", and "we'll do the thinking, you do the doing".
I forgot to say!
Thanks to everyone for your support, it means a lot 
Life can be a difficult journey at times, but it is the love and friendship of those around us that carries us through. I appreciate every bit!
Ian - are you in Sydney? I'm coming to the mardi gras at the end of next month - would be nice to meet anyone who's in the area
Hi Craig
Brilliantly put about the subtle changes from culture to cultish. I can so relate to that. My church started off as a very loving community, just as Jonestown did (Actually, I couldn't take my eyes off that documentary/story of Jonestown and recommend it for anyone who thinks they've been in a cult. There were so many parallels with my own experience of church). But then as time went on, things gradually changed and we were told that anyone "not of the vision for the church must be against it or against leadership". This of course was another way of saying that we couldn't question anything. Things became more and more absolute and there was no room for variation or grey areas, as there needs to be in normal societies.
Now, I personally feel that if I'm finding myself listening to another's views more than my own inner voice, there's a problem. But sometimes in increasingly rigid churches/communities, the changes are so slight over time and people are so involved that it becomes difficult to see the wood for the trees. The inner voice gets muffled or silenced.
Craig, it's really helpful learning about your experiences and no doubt healing for you to share as well. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Blessings,
Ann Maree
avennbrown wrote:Whilst many here have not experienced being a part of cult......I guess we can relate to times we have been in churches that have had cultic elements to them. I often say that culture of itself is good......companies have cultures....countries have cultures.....families have cultural traits.......but when that culture is taken to far and to the extreme it becomes cultic .....a bondage and oppressive.......would you agree with that?????
Hi Anthony!
Yes, I think you're right. Sometimes, though, it can be quite a subtle shift from "culture" to "cultic", and it can take a while before people realise it has taken place. I was wondering about it the other day, and came to the conclusion that the change takes place when the leadership within a "culture" begins to forbid members to deviate from or question the core foundations of that group. When this element of control is introduced, it starts to become "cultic". The Exclusive Brethren, for example, use catchphrases like "if you don't understand it, don't question it", and "we'll do the thinking, you do the doing".
like the boiling frog syndrome
Hi Craig,
Just adding my voice to the chorus of greetings and also thank you for sharing your story. It must have taken incredible courage to cut the ties with a group who had been everything to you for most of your life. I can't imagine what that must have felt like.
I'm glad to hear that you've made contact with some family members outside of the Brethren, that must be a tremendous help--and that you're grandfather is supportive of you is just wonderful.
Looking forward to getting to know you here on the forums!
Hi Craig
Great to read your story, I hope to follow you one day soon. Any tips?
All my best
Paul (UK)
Hi Paul
Welcome to f2b! Is this your first time here and how did you find out about us?
Craig's story is really inspiring, isn't it? We're so privileged to witness not only his amazing resilience but that of others in this forum.
Hope to hear more from you.
Blessings,
Ann Maree
Hey Craig,
It's great that you will be marching with us in Mardi Gras this Saturday! I'm really looking forward to it
Ian - are you in Sydney? I'm coming to the mardi gras at the end of next month - would be nice to meet anyone who's in the area
Craig,
Sorry for the delay! I've been kinda busy teh past few weeks- and for a few more. Unfortunately, I'm not in Sydney for Mardi Gras. I'm in a rather gay-oppressive part of the world- but at least this site isn't blockd by the government! I'll be back just after Mardi Gras; it would be great to catch up with you! I hope to be at the F2b[e] meeting in April. Not sure when it will be because the first Friday is Good Friday.
Ian
Craig
Welcome to Freedom 2b(e). You have had an amazing journey. It is a wonderful testimony to the Lord that you are here.
We want to encourage you and help you in any way we can. You are not on your own.
When I read stories like yours, I can imagine the Lord just shaking His head.
Craig, we really want you to know the Lord loves you deeply and no you are not going to hell my friend.
It is just great to have you here.
Hi Ann Maree
Thanks for the welcome, I've actually been here for a few months now. I read Anthony's book and then looked you all up!
Craig's story is so real for me, every word is heart wrenching. Leaving your family and everything you know is a major step to take. It's a very inspiring story and one I hope will help others.
I believe the Lord has a place for all of us and that we're meant to enjoy this life. I trust that Craig, and many others, can find/have found that place where we are accepted.
God created us gay, we can all celebrate that!
All my best
Paul
Hi Paul
You are very welcome ...and well said! I wholeheartedly agree - we are meant to have joy, acceptance, belonging and celebration in our lives. We've each got the right to choose abundant life rather than a shadow of existence. That reminds me of the Wham slogan, "Choose Life", and fitting since George Michael is touring here now.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing more from you, and from Craig too. On that note, how's things going for you, Craig?
All the best,
Ann Maree
Hello Craig,
There is a certain gift you bring to yourself (and others) when you step out into the truth of who you are: even when you know that facing that truth may involve severing ties with so much of what you've known before... When I read your story I was filled with a sense of hope and excitement because it speaks of someone taking a stand to find their truth - rather than just accepting what they're told without question or enquiry. I'm affected not only by the courage you've shown to be who you are, but I'm moved by the blind rejection by so many in your family... Yet I know that you can only know the freedom you've sought for so long and how this now feels even with the times of deep emptiness you've been through...
God does not abandon us......if anything that's what I've come to learn in my own journey from leaving a 'cult' that demonised and abandonded me because I decided to stand in my truth... and be the person God made me to be.
I pray that your beliefs in a Divine Loving and Nurturing being have not been affected by this... that somewhere in your heart is still a place for God / Jesus / or whoever you deem that to be.... Perhaps now is really the time of getting to know Him - without the dialogue and insertions from Elders and Priests who have come to re-write the words of Jesus' healing ministry by adapting their own slants and slogans.
Let Him speak to you: Jesus is still there...and loves you. He will never leave you. Thank you for being so honest and open about your experience.
Take care, and God bless
Todd
Hi spiritearthling
Love your name and what you've written! It seems there are a few of us who have come from cults. I'd be interested in hearing more of your story if you feel like posting in the Telling Our Stories section.
Blessings,
Ann Maree
Great to spend time with you on the weekend Craig......and to have the opportunity to meet some of your Freedom 2 b[e] family.
Hi Craig
How was your experience of Mardi Gras and how's life generally?
Blessings,
Ann Maree
It was great to meet you Craig and march with you at Mardi Gras.
You are a brave and courageous young man and I feel blessed to know you!!
Ben
Hello people
I have a rather guilty conscience for having taken so long to come back on here - my bad! Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement - they mean a lot.
Paul, I was glad to hear from you privately, and my heart aches for you being stuck in the position I was in. For those who don't know, Paul is still trapped in the Exclusive Brethren church, and is faced with confronting the reality of excommunication should he choose to come out as gay. A terrible situation to be in.
Ian, thanks for finding me on Facebook - probably a more reliable way of keeping in touch!
To those who ask how I am now, including Ann-Maree:
I was in Sydney for the Mardi Gras, and marched in the parade with Freedom 2 Be. It was a powerful and exhilarating experience, and I need to thank Anthony for convincing me it would be a worthwhile endeavour. I wasn't sure about it all! It was great to catch up with the Sydney crew, and I look forward to meeting you all again
I spent some time filming with Channel Seven while I was in Sydney, which was a dramatic and traumatic experience. We confronted the doctor who prescribed me with the drug, and filmed outside the exclusive brethren church room in Sydney. This didn't sit well with the church, and we were chased across Sydney by church members. We had to seek police protection, and I believe several people are now being charged for stalking and predatory behaviour. Sad to see so-called Christians behaving in such an un-Christian way... For those of you interested in watching the Today Tonight segment, it aired on Monday 8th March.
I'm currently in Brisbane, and will be travelling to Melbourne next week. From there it will be on to Adelaide and Perth, before heading back to New Zealand around the beginning of May. Look forward to catching up with anyone in those cities!
Love,
Craig
Hi Craig
I'm so glad mardi gras was such a positive experience for you.
I'm sorry to have missed the today tonight story and also for the trauma around that for you. I tried to find it on their site but couldn't. Do you have the link to paste in here? My GF watched the story and let me know about it afterwards.
Hope you enjoy your time in Australia before returning to NZ. Please stay in touch.
Blessings,
Ann Maree
Hi Craig,
I'm glad the Mardi Gras was an empowering experience for you! Yeah, I watched the Today Tonight segment on Monday, and like you, was appalled that you were chased and stalked by EB church members. I hope you are relaxed now and enjoying your time in Brisbane and the other Australian cities!
Cheers
Hi Ann-Maree
If you click on this link, and then select "Exclusive Brethren" under Latest Stories. Good luck!
Latest stories from Today Tonight on Yahoo!7
au.todaytonight.yahoo.com
Oh my god... You have been through so much! Your obvious personal strength and courage is obvious - especially in getting your message out there, as that will help so many people - and my heart goes out to you. Good luck in your journey