45, Christian, Female........but I'm not sure about much else

LuckySky,

Your story sounds similar in many ways to my own, but for the fact I went actively looking for a female partner after leaving my husband. But yes, I remember the magazine Above Rubies, and I remember being in that 'picture perfect' (on the outside) marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The one great thing we all share in common, no matter what labels we use or don't use, is the fact that God loves us just the same despite our labels, beliefs or fears.

Hi Luckysky,

Welcome to Freedom2b[e] and thanks for sharing your story. Here you can be free to just be yourself without any condemnation or judgement. Hope to hear more of your journey to find a place of belonging ...

thanks for that, Meg.
May I ask why you went looking for a woman? (sorry if that's a bit forward) That's the part of me I don't understand. I don't think it had ever occurred to me that that could be my path, I had always thought that only broken people were lesbians. That sounds so arrogant now, I know. A big part of why i left my church is that I was suddenly so horrified by the judgement and hostility I saw around me towards homosexuality. And through my ignorance i had played a part in that. I feel so uninformed, how can I remedy that?

Hi LuckySky,

I am not offended by the question.

I guess because I'd always known, but did a lot of work at repressing the fact that I was same sex oriented. When I finally broke free, I wanted to put paid to the lies I had told myself, and everyone else, and finding a partner seemed the way to do that.

I didn't find one immediately and I feel grateful for that, now. I went on a series of 'dates' with varying degrees of disaster.

It wasn't until I stopped looking that love found me. So glad, now, that that is how it happened.

As far as feeling uninformed goes, please don't think that I am any kind of expert. I've had a total of one same sex relationships in my life and am still in that same one and still 'learning' who I am.

Where is it that you feel that you lack knowledge or information?

These forums are a great place to ask questions and learn more about faith and sexuality. I've learned quite a lot since joining here a couple of years ago now.

thanks, Mobileguy.
I'm so glad I found this forum. Some days are pretty hard to get through aren't they. I feel caught between 2 opposing worlds, neither of which have any tolerance for the other. I can't believe there are other people from the same place as me. I'll be sticking close.

thankyou

You're welcome! I went back and added a little bit to my previous reply. I hope you didn't miss it.

Hi Luckysky

You wrote:

I love this, the way you've expressed the journey of being who you are, as truth telling. Thank you for being so refreshing.

You are very welcome here.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hey Luckysky.....great to have you here. I trust you feel safe...supported and that you can be yourself here.

I dont know if this is of any help.......but I've had lots of emails from women who read my autobiography and told me their story.

it went very similar to yours. Never identified as lesbian.....but fell in love with thier best friend or another lady then had a relationship.....some are still together years later. Its okay to live with the ambiguity if its okay for you. You dont have to take on a label.....you just have to be you.

BTW....if you dont mind telling.....how did you find us.

.....and....OMG.....haven't heard about Above Rubies for decades....had completely forgotten about it. Obviously I didn't read it......used to read the Evangel and Charisma.

OK I guess where I'm most lost is ....
I thought I had such clear ideas about sexual orientation - I assumed that you're either gay or straight, and have always been. I don't know if that's me, cos this last one was my first with a woman. And initially I fought that so hard, as I said. Whatever happens now, I'm so grateful for my time with her. I haven't loved someone like that before and I wonder if its because she was a woman. So was it just about that person, irrespective of her gender? And does that make me a lesbian, or just lucky because I stumbled across someone I could really give myself to?

I think that it makes you lucky, first and foremost. Not many of us get the chance to experience that one, great love that transcends all else, you know?

Secondly, in my opinion, labels are just something to stick on jars.

I don't know if I am lesbian, or just in love with a person who happens to be a woman, or whether I could ever love a man in the same way again, or if I even want to. Not knowing is not a problem to me.

I've told people that I am gay/lesbian, because applying a label just makes things easier for others, but for me, it doesn't really define who I am...if you know what I mean? I don't think that any individual can be completely summed up in just one or two words.

I used to drive myself bananas trying to decide whether I really am gay, or just in love with a girl, or...any of a million different questions that could roll through my head in an hour.

About the only word I use to describe myself at present is "Happy"

That should be the only one that counts, really.

I agree with AVB it is perfectly fine to live with the ambiguity if that suits you.

thanks I do feel safe. And that's so good after the all the self doubt and defensiveness. I'm sitting here crying out all the sadness of the past few months, and its so healing to know that there are people here with me. About the label thing - I sort of feel like a bit of a fake calling myself a lesbian, because I've only had the one relationship and frankly don't know if it was a one-of or not. I'm not up to another relationship just yet because I'm still grieving over the last one.
I came across your page through the American (I think) website for gay christians - there is a link there.

The one thing I love about this journey of life, is that there's never any hurry. If you're not ready to use a label, you don't have to. You might never be ready to use a particular label and that's okay.

I think the important thing is to take the time to grieve your losses and truly feel free before you push yourself on to any more exploration or progress.

Remember that part of the 23rd Psalm says: "He makes me lie down in green pastures, and restores my soul."

That verse is all about taking time out to rest and heal. *hugs*

Meg, I love your answer. It really resonates with me. I've never liked categories.

Hi Luckysky

I also agree with Meg and don't care much for labels. They can be restrictive or about others' expectations rather than our own unique journey.

When it comes to sexuality and orientation, I prefer to think in terms of spectrums and fluidity, which are more dynamic than fixed. For me personally, I am most comfortable with women but sometimes like men. You raised a good point that we don't have to be 100% gay or straight. I mean, some people are and that's great but some of us are not and that's also more than OK. I think being present, aware and honest in each moment is more important than the label we use. And sometimes the expression of sexuality (in women especially) can change, and this is where a label that seems to fit at one time of our lives may no longer be accurate during another.

i've been working with some ladies lately who like the term gay women......not lesbain

for me I like the term gay. I buried all the negative connotations attached to it years ago.

for a time I thought I called myself bi.....my Christian friends said I was a confused heterosexual.....but now I realise I was a confused homosexual....hehe.

Welcome and I hope you feel comfortable and happy here

Magz said it better than me - but labels are just that. Some people are gay. Some people are straight. A lot of people are in the middle somewhere. Even if you get a room full of people who are actually 100% gay and you'll find most of them won't have anything much in common and will have different understandings and expressions of their sexuality. There's as many ways of defining sexuality as there are people in this earth. So don't feel that you have to define yourself by someone else's standards - define yourself as you, as a unique special person who God created, and figure out the rest on the way

just a thought. Heterosexuals don't have to identify themselves by their sexual orientation.......its already assumed and not an issue.

Hello, LuckySky,
I add my welcome to that of all the others'.
You don't have to call yourself anything or try and fit into a mould. There is no 'one size fits all' label; we are all unique and had different experiences and feelings.
I don't know what I am either. I did not have a same sex relationship, I just felt deeply in love with a woman and it forced me to re-examine my whole life and identity.
Ambiguity can make it more difficult to find our own place to belong, which is such a basic and important need. I find that Freedom to Be embraces everyone on their journey, in whatever place they are in the sexual continuum.

thats a powerful quote lady jane in your signature.......who said that.

Reminds me of people come into your life for a reason season or for life.

HI AVB,

I don't know who is the author of the quote, and I have not been able to find out yet. It arrived to me by email, as part of one of those 'chain' things.

The whole text is follows:
Life doesn't give you the people you want; it gives you the people you NEED... To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.
Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe. Now you're on the clock!!!! In 9 minutes something will make you happy. But you have to tell 9 sisters you love them, including me. Go!!!!

I ignored the rest, but I liked the first sentence very much.

I'm going to put the piece I think is helpful to live by in the discussion section. If I put it here then luckysky's story will get highjacked.

taking the wake-up pill

thanks for that piece, Anthony.

I'm finding it tough out here in my 'real world' but WOULD NOT go back for anything. I'm looking forward to meeting some of you face to face cos I find it hard to converse without tone and gesture. It must be the muso in me.
I"m taking on some great advice from some of you lovely people though......I'm taking my time to find my way. Its not my natural way, I usually take a long time to make a decision but once it's made I want everything to fall in to place immediately.
I work at a high school and know how kids and parents respond to homosexuality. I don't want my profile and personality to be about sexuality, but it would be a hot topic at this small private school. I've talked to a few close friends at school, and have been advised to be cautious. So I feel the need to make changes, to maybe look for a new job. But I'm taking my time with that too. As much as I can anyway.
thanks for the forum, it's so good to feel listened to and supported. Please keep talking to me!

Hi Luckysky

It's really good to have you here with us. I like what you say about taking your time. I think it's so important to do things in your own timing and style.

I look forward to hearing more from you and am glad you're finding this forum to be a supportive space.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Next phase...............

Im feeling the need for an update, so here it is

the last few weeks have seen some big shifts in my thinking and I know they're positive signs of growth. I would like to thank you all for your help through the process. It's been good to have your input. I particularly loved the reference in Psalm 23 about lying down in green pastures. That's rolled around in my heart a lot.

And one of the proverbs says something along the lines of ... we can plot and plan but God's purpose will always prevail (the Message version). I feel quite still and safe at the moment. I hope it lasts but I'm a pessimist to the core! I know it won't but it's nice to have a bit of respite before facing the next battle.

How amazing to discover that God's love encompasses all who desire it irrespective of their sexuality.

and you may now call me gay

Hi Luckysky,

It's great that you feel that you've made some progress and come to a place where you're feeling quieter within yourself. There's nothing like that sense of peace, is there?

And welcome to the family.

It's great to hear you're feeling better and that we've helped a bit with that.

It feels like things are moving for you, Luckysky. I look forward to the next chapter.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

thanks Magz. I feel like I'm at home.

that is soooo cool luckystar......I'm grateful you shared that with us.....we are all very encouraged.

hey luckysky.....I just checked our stats for the last month.....we had 118 people find us when they searched your user name......were they searching directly for you.....or was it by chance they found us.